Fellowship and the Elf Next Door Insanity V2
by Lamoo
Summary: The fellowship still live next door to Haldir, Legolas is as bad tempered as ever, Gimli still knits and more madness is bound to happen. It's Haldir's turn to host a dinner party and the fellowship win a holiday. Sequel to 'The Fellowship and the elf nex
1. Shampoo mishaps

AN/ hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Fellowship and the Elf next door: the adventure continues  
  
This is the sequel to the Fellowship and the elf Next door. I figured you all enjoyed that enough to merit another story. If you haven't read TF&TEND before, it might be handy to, but it's not crucial. If any of you can come up with a better name for this fic I would love to hear it. Otherwise this will just be TF&TEND: the adventures continue.  
  
Disclaimer: Lamoo, having failed to gain any ownership over things in her last fic, is desperate to own something again. But unfortunately, all she owns are the tickets to the ballet, herself, the underwear ice cube and Pippin's hot water bottle.  
  
Just a little not to people before I begin. There will be some other people in this fic. Reviewers mainly. As of now, please don't ask me if you can be in it, because I'm not even going to bother replying. If I have not already asked you, or have promised you a cameo in this fic, you not will get one, no matter how much you beg or how good a mood I am in. if I already said you could appear in this fic, probably because you asked to be in the last one but didn't get a chance, you will be included, don't worry. If anyone else even bothers asking me, I will either not reply, or explode in your face. If you had a cameo in the 1st fic, I am sorry, but I'm not going to let you appear in this sequel. There were far too many people in the first fic and I am not going to make the same mistake again. If I have asked you if you would like a cameo in this sequel, probably because you didn't get one in TF&TEND the first time when I said you could, then you will get your cameo. No one else is getting a cameo. This is the first and final warning.  
  
Oki doki then, now presenting the very first chapter of The Fellowship and the Elf Next Door: the adventures continue. Enjoy! ^-^  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 1  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Aragorn yawned and stretched his arms. The ranger opened his eyes to gaze up at the cracked ceiling. He glanced over at the clock on his bedside table and groaned.  
  
"5:30," mumbled Aragorn into his pillow. He rolled over, intending on going back to sleep but his door suddenly burst open. A blonde elf came flying into the room and roughly leaped on top of the lump in the bed that was Aragorn.  
  
"Wake up Aragorn," said Legolas Greenleaf as he vigorously shook his human friend's shoulders.  
  
Aragorn scowled and whacked the elf across the head with the pillow. "Piss off Legolas," Aragorn said crossly. "Its 5:30, let me sleep."  
  
Legolas shook his head and blonde locks flailed everywhere. "Nuh uh," he replied. "You have to get up, we're going out for breakfast."  
  
Aragorn shoved the elf off the bed and sat up. "Out? For breakfast?" Aragorn mused. "How come? Why are you in such a good mood?"  
  
Legolas grinned stupidly and shrugged. "Firstly we're going for breakfast cos I don't want to eat Sam's cooking or left over party food, and I'm in a good mood cos all that sugar and booze last night is only just beginning to take effect." The elf bounced up and down like a happy two year old. "And I'm gonna have pancakes, and toast and muesli, and eggs and carrots and mint humbugs and napkins and beans on toast and porridge and French toast and lettuce and chocolate milk and elderberries and more toast." Legolas took a huge breath and continued. "And some cheese on toast and blue berry muffins and crepes and more pancakes and ice cream and vegemite and banana and cream and Pavlova and chips and coco pops and orange juice and some sour worms. Ooh, and some pancakes."  
  
"You said pancakes three times," Aragorn helpfully pointed out.  
  
Legolas nodded happily. "I know," he replied. "I'm just gonna have three times as many pancakes."  
  
"Good, whatever," remarked Aragorn in a bored tone of voice. "Now get out while I go and get dressed."  
  
"Okay," said the elf skipping out of the room.  
  
"Oh yes, Legolas?"  
  
"Yeeeees?"  
  
"Have you by any chance seen my underwear? I can't seem to find any." Said Aragorn.  
  
Legolas shook his head and shrugged. "Sorry, I haven't. Now that you mention it I noticed all of mine is gone too. Hmm, blame the washing machine I say," said the elf.  
  
"Washing machine, whatever." Muttered Aragorn. "One more thing," added Aragorn. Legolas stopped in his tracks and spun around. Aragorn continued. "Why are we going out for breakfast at five thirty in the morning?"  
  
Legolas giggled. "Cos it takes me at least two hours to get ready, and then we have to make sure the hobbits are dressed and sober."  
  
"Ah, I see." Replied the ranger. "Ok, now go away." Legolas nodded and skipped off in the other direction.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The elf pranced his way towards the bathroom and slammed the door closed behind him. Legolas turned on the shower and waited for the water to get hot before he threw off his pjs and stepped in underneath the hot water.  
  
Humming to himself, the elf picked up the shampoo bottle and squeezed a generous amount onto his hand. Legolas lathered the shampoo in his hair until his head was covered in pretty smelling foam and rinsed it. Legolas yelped and tried to wash some of the soap out of his eyes, swearing at the same time. Once clear of shampoo the elf squirted the conditioner onto his hair. He let the hot water rush over his face and body and reached for the yummy smelling peach shower gel. With a squirt onto a pretty pink sponge, the elf tried to scrub his back and grumbled when he discovered he couldn't reach. Rinsing the last of the conditioner out of his hair, the elf decided to shave his legs.  
  
"Heh, who cares if I use all the hot water," he muttered to himself as he reached for the pink razor on the edge of the shower.  
  
"Lovely," the elf said to himself as he finished shaving his legs and ran a hand over the smooth sleek surface. "Let's see if Elrond can get his legs looking so good." Legolas gloated and grinned. Just then the water began to run cold and Legolas realised he'd used all the hot water. He rinsed the last of the soap off and turned off the taps.  
  
The shower curtain was pulled back and the elf stepped out of the shower leaving wet footprints on the bathmat. Grabbing two towels, Legolas wrapped his soggy hair up in one and used the other to dry himself. Once dry the elf slipped on a fluffy white bathrobe and opened the bathroom door. Steam rushed into the hall and Legolas sauntered down the hall to his bedroom, passing the kitchen on the way to get a bite to eat before he stuffed his face later on.  
  
The kitchen was not empty, but rather four hobbits were sitting there in their pyjamas discussing bath toys.  
  
"I'm telling you," began Merry. "The rubber duck is the only way to go."  
  
Frodo and Sam shook their curly heads. "Nup, no way." Replied Sam. "Barbie dolls."  
  
"In the bath?" Pippin wanted to know.  
  
Sam nodded. "Of course. You can give them a facial and shampoo their hair. Beautiful, silky blond locks,"  
  
Legolas snorted. It was a well-known fact that all Sam's Barbies had orange or green hair. The hobbits caught sight of the elf in his fluffy bathrobe with the towel around his head and smiled.  
  
"Good morning mister Legolas," said Sam cheerfully. "We are looking forward to breakfast very much."  
  
"I thought some one was going to have to threaten you to make you come along," mused the elf.  
  
Merry shook his head. "We did. And made him promise to make it looked like he wanted to come along of his own free will."  
  
"I see," replied the elf. "Tell me, what exactly did you threaten him with? I should like to see if it works on Aragorn."  
  
Pippin grinned evilly. "You see Legolas," he began innocently. "We told him that if he protests, we'll get Gandalf to cook pasta tonight." Pippin grinned again and Sam shuddered.  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow. "How can Gandalf cook pasta tonight when Haldir ate all the raw stuff at the party last night?" he asked and before the hobbits had a chance to reply, the elf spoke again. "Anyway, it doesn't matter. Just go and get ready."  
  
"Ok Lego," said Frodo brightly, bouncing off the kitchen stool and beginning to saunter off. He strolled a little faster when he saw the nickname register with Legolas.  
  
The elf groaned and wandered off to get ready. He pranced into his own bedroom and threw open the wardrobe doors.  
  
"I feel like dressing up today," he said to himself as he investigated to contents of the cupboard.  
  
The elf pulled out a pair of nice black trousers and a pale blue shirt. He rummaged around to find his one and only tie. It was green, hmm, how imaginative, and had little goldfish on it. Legolas rummaged around for some knickers and put his hands on his hips crossly when there were none to be seen.  
  
"Hmm, I guess I'll just have to find my secret stash,"  
  
Legolas pushed aside the clothes that were handing up and at the back of the wardrobe was a cut out part of the wall. There was a little compartment in the wall that held a couple of pairs of underwear, come chocolate, essential oils, a bath bomb or two and some dental floss. It was a well- known fact that Gandalf didn't like dental floss so none was ever kept in the bathroom for those who might want to rid themselves of that pesky bit of chicken that had been stuck between their teeth for the past six hours.  
  
The elf pulled out some pink frilly knickers and put them on before pulling on his nice smart trousers and the shirt. Legolas did up the buttons neatly and wrestled with the tie for a few minutes before he managed to do it up properly.  
  
"You're not going to wear that are you?" asked a voice from behind Legolas as the elf finished with the tie and unwrapped the towel from his head.  
  
"Go away Haldir." Replied Legolas shaking his wet head like a soaked dog.  
  
Haldir smirked and stepped into the room. "I hate the tie mate," he told Legolas.  
  
Legolas sneered and tugged off the tie. "I don't recall asking for your opinion." He remarked casually, tossing the offending tie into the back of the closet. "If you think you know better you can come with me to buy a suit later this week."  
  
"What the hell do you need a suit for?" asked Haldir  
  
"The fellowship and I are going to the ballet. Opening night so it's supposed to be quite formal."  
  
Haldir raised an eyebrow. "How do you expect to get the hobbits to dress formally? For heavens sake, they don't even wear shoes if they can avoid it!"  
  
Legolas shrugged and found his hairdryer. "Hmm, I guess." He mumbled. "But hey, we could always lock them in the car."  
  
"True," agreed Haldir. "Yes, that's better." He said as he rummaged around and found a nice casual turtleneck shirt in the closet. Legolas put down the hair dryer and pulled the shirt over his head.  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Ok, I look fine, now get out of my room please."  
  
"As long as you let me come to breakfast with you guys," proposed Haldir, trying to stifle some laughter. He had obviously noticed something his elven buddy hadn't.  
  
"Yes yes, fine, whatever, just get out, please?" The elf picked up the hairdryer and resumed the drying of his silky flaxen locks. It was only then that he realised that he could not run his hands through them. Nothing short of a serrated knife in fact. The hair on Legolas's head was solid. The elf gave a cry of despair and tapped his fist against his rigid hair. A loud thump thump was heard. It sounded just like a knock on wood. The elf panicked and ran into the bathroom to find the conditioner bottle.  
  
It looked all right on the outside but when the elf opened the lid and smelt it, he found that it was not the proper herbal essences shampoo that was supposed to smell like flowers and herbs, but rather, PVA glue, which of course goes solid when it dries  
  
The elf screamed in rage and threw the bottle out the window. There was a yell from outside but the elf didn't bother to see who it was he had hit with the bottle of glue. He instead, flopped down into the bed and screamed his lungs out into the pillow.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Gimli was just coming back from his morning run that morning dressed in his orange tracksuit with canary yellow leg warmers and a headband in pink that said 'Sweat is my Friend' on it. The dwarf, after a few nasty comments from the sleek and slender elf about weight, decided to trim down a bit. So at four thirty every morning, Gimli went to the gym for an hour then went for a run.  
  
He was just coming back down the street, pausing to check his stopwatch, when a shampoo bottle flew out of the window and hit him on the head.  
  
The dwarf stumbled and rubbed his head. Gimli picked up the bottle and examined it. It looked a lot like a shampoo bottle belonging to Legolas, but Gimli knew there was no way in the word the elf would throw a bottle of herbal essences out the window. For one thing, he was a complete greeny and threatened to actually kill people who dropped confetti on the ground, thus he would never do so much as litter himself and also the bottle was still half full and the elf would never waste perfectly good hair care products.  
  
"Crazy elf," muttered Gimli as he lobbed the bottle back through the open window and jogged around to the front door.  
  
Then, after rummaging through every pocket on his clothing, a total of about 63, Gimli realised he didn't have his key. The dwarf pushed the doorbell button and waited for someone to answer the door. But no one came. Gimli pushed the button a few more times and waited, but still no one came to the door. With one last effort the dwarf thumped his fist upon the door. "Perhaps everyone's still asleep," he mused. "Can't be, Legolas is up before me." Gimli thumped on the door once more and decided that no one was going to come.  
  
Then the dwarf spied an open window. It was flung open wide and the pretty purple organza curtains were drifting in the breeze. Gimli contemplated whether he would fit through the window for a bit and decided that, now that he was lovely and slim (AN/ ha! Yea right) he would glide through the window easily.  
  
But as the dwarf hoisted himself up onto the sill and through to window he discovered that he was not as slim as he would have liked. The dwarf was stuck, his legs waving madly facing out into the street, his head and shoulders in the kitchen, over the sink, screaming his lungs out.  
  
"Help!" he bellowed. "Someone help me!"  
  
Legolas and Aragorn came sidling into the room. The elf's eyes were red, as was his hair.  
  
Whoa, wait a second. his hair was red?  
  
"Legolas!" exclaimed Gimli, "get me out of here." Then the dwarf noticed the elf's hair. "Did you dye your hair?" he asked, pausing in the struggle to fit through the kitchen window.  
  
Legolas sent a glare Gimli's direction and spoke with a shaky voice. "I did not dye it you idiot." He said quietly, but crossly. "I washed my hair with PVA glue. And it went rigid." The elf knocked his knuckles against the red mass of hair on his head. "And then I discovered there was red ink in the bottle as well."  
  
Gimli snorted with laughter.  
  
Legolas glared stonily and began to walk away. Aragorn was standing in the doorway; apparently having been telling Legolas his hair didn't look that bad only a moment before.  
  
"That was the wrong thing to do Gimli," the ranger commented. "I'm not going to be able to get you out of there on my own."  
  
"But what about the hobbits?" asked Gimli. "And Gandalf? They can get me out cant they?"  
  
Aragorn shrugged, "the hobbits aren't going to be much help even if I knew where they were. They're all far too puny to reach to window and help me free you." The ranger paused for dramatic effect. "And you know Gandalf, he's still cross his party was crashed by hundreds of Lego's fan girls."  
  
"But why can you get me out by yourself?" yelled Gimli in despair. "You're a good strong lad."  
  
Aragorn shook his head. "It has nothing to do with that." He said. "I need someone to help me take the window frame apart. It's quite heavy and I can't pull you and hold the window frame at the same time. Legolas was the only one here big enough and sane enough to help."  
  
Gimli groaned.  
  
Aragorn continued. "And it seems to me, that you're officially buggered. If I were you, I'd try calling Legolas back nicely and telling him his hair suits his eyes or skin tone or something. Just don't mention his socks, he might hit you for that."  
  
"Thanks for the advice," Gimli replied sarcastically. "Anything else that might convince that damn elf to get me out of the window?"  
  
Aragorn put a finger to his lips. "Hmm, I'm not sure. By the way, how did you manage to get stuck in the window anyway?"  
  
Gimli sighed. "The front door was locked and I left my key here. I couldn't get in."  
  
"Why didn't you ring the doorbell? One of us MAY have come to the door to let you in.," replied the ranger  
  
"I did," said Gimli. "Rang the bloody doorbell about sixty times but nothing happened."  
  
There was a cruel laugh from the doorway. Legolas had returned and was leaning against the doorframe casually with his arms folded. "I disconnected the doorbell thing last night, after the party."  
  
"Why?" asked Aragorn and Gimli in unison  
  
"Because," began Legolas. "I for one don't like Haldir ringing the doorbell at three in the morning. He can ring all he likes, but if we can't hear it, then he's just wasting his time and we can get on with our lives."  
  
"Hmm, clever reasoning." Muttered Aragorn. "But now that you're here, you can help me get Gimli out of the window. Any minute now the neighbours are going to be coming over to complain about the view of a dwarf's backside they see from their windows."  
  
Legolas shook his head. "I am not getting him out of the window." Legolas said blankly. "Its his fault he's stuck in there anyway." The elf made his way over to the kettle beside the sink and began to make a cup of tea. "But," he said, striding to the fridge to get the milk. "I might try to get you out. If there's something in it for me."  
  
"What do you want? I'll do anything." Replied Gimli desperately.  
  
Legolas grinned evilly and stirred his tea. "Well," he began. "You could pay for me to get my hair redone this afternoon, and you could be my slave for a month, and you could keep Lamoo at bay for me."  
  
"Anything else?" the dwarf asked cynically.  
  
Legolas smiled. "Of course." He began. "You can take me shopping and give me a massage and clean the pool and while you're there, hit those two pesky pirates for me." The elf smiled thoughtfully. "And one more thing." An evil glint lit up in the eyes of the prince of Mirkwood. "You have to give me your Spongebob Squarepants plush toy."  
  
"NOT SPONGEBOB!" wailed Gimli. "Spongy would be too sad. Isn't there anything else?"  
  
Legolas smirked and shook his head. "Nope. I want Spongebob. If you wont let me have him then I'll have to leave you in the window all day."  
  
Gimli sobbed. "Ok, ok. I'll give you spongy, only if you get me out of here and be nice to my little yellow friend."  
  
Legolas grinned and nodded. "Ok, I'll help Aragorn get you out."  
  
The dwarf sighed with relief.  
  
Aragorn approached the offending window beside the elf and Legolas held open the window as far as possible while Aragorn pulled. Gimli was still stick so Legolas grabbed a spatula from one of the drawers and began to wedge Gimli out of the window, still holding the frame while Aragorn tugged at the dwarf to free him.  
  
After much pulling, yelling, swearing and spatulaizing, Gimli finally budged free with one mighty pull from the elf and ranger and the three of them went crashing to the other side of the kitchen.  
  
Gimli lay on the ground panting and suddenly Gandalf waltzed in.  
  
"I'm ready for breakfast." He announced.  
  
Aragorn glanced up at the clock on the microwave. It was now eight thirty. Neither elf, dwarf nor ranger could quite work out how two whole hours had passed.  
  
"Well?" said Gandalf putting his hands on his hips. Legolas only realised then what the wizard was wearing. The elf chocked back a laugh as he saw Gandalf standing there in his strappy red cocktail dress with matching high heels. The wizard's hair and beard was dyes platinum blonde and he was not pleased when an elf, a dwarf and a ranger were sitting on the kitchen floor laughing at him.  
  
"You're not wearing that are you?" asked Gimli.  
  
~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*  
  
TBC  
  
AN/ well, I hope you all enjoyed that chappie. I felt it was rather better than some of the latest things ive written (which have been fabulously bad), but only your reviews will tell me if I was right or not.  
  
The aim for this fic, apart from being enjoyable to write and read, is to reach the 400 review mark. The 1st TF&TEND received 303 reviews and I really hope this fic can do better.  
  
So, until next chapter.  
  
Uuma quena en'mani lle ume ri'mani lle umaya. Uma ta ar'lava ta quena ten'irste' (Don't talk about what you have done or what you are going to do. Do it and let it speak for itself.)  
  
Love Lamoo.  
  
Please R&R  
  
. 


	2. the german restaurant

AN/ ooh, very pleased indeed I am. When I looked in my inbox today I found all these lovely little reviews awaiting me.  
  
Disclaimer: despite ferocious attempt to claim ownership over anything, Lamoo has been reduced to being pleased to own Gandalf's dress, some cornflakes and a few dead movie tickets from POTC. No claim of ownership is made on anyone in the fellowship or anyone else. The only people Lamoo owns are herself and Legolas's friend Salkel, who will be making an appearance later.  
  
Oki doki then, here is chapter two. Oh yes, if anyone else can think of a better name for this fic, please, please, PLEASE let me know. I think 'the fellowship and the elf next door: the adventures continue' is kina lame. Hmm, hopefully would have thought up a title by the end. Ooh, I know.  
  
I have a couple of ideas. I want you all to vote for which one you like best in your review.  
  
The choices are. -The Fellowship and the elf next door: the adventures continue Or -A wasted web space concerning an elf or two Or - The misled adventures of Haldir's cronies. Or.. Yes, there's more - Robin Hood, who has no part in this fanfiction  
  
I'll let you guys decide. Please vote. Or if you can come up with something else.  
  
Also, a itty bit of German here. Please tell me if I get it too mucked up and accidentally ask for a stepladder instead of a cup of coffee. I'm not particularly good at German, so please bear with me with the itty bits that are in this chapter.  
  
And finally, my apologies to everyone that this chapter took so long to be written. Especially to Mr Bean who has been asking me nearly every day when the next chapter will be up.  
  
Ok, here is chapter 2 of the 'unnamed fanfiction tagging along behind TF&TEND'. enjoy!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Previously, Legolas had an accident concerning his hair and some glue, Gimli got stuck in the window, Legolas scored a spongebob squarepants toy and Gandalf dazzled them all in his red dress.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"No, seriously Gandalf," said Legolas. "You're not really going to wear that dress?"  
  
The wizard smouldered. "What? Don't you like it?" he asked crossly.  
  
Legolas shook his head. "No, no, that's not what I mean at all. I love it in fact. Just not on you."  
  
Gandalf's lower lip trembled.  
  
Legolas sensed he was on dangerous territory but continued anyway. "It's a wonderful dress." He said. "And it goes with your eyes and every thing, and I love the shoes, but,"  
  
"But what?" replied the wizard, growing increasingly more annoyed that the elf didn't like his clothing choice.  
  
"But that is a women's dress." Aragorn helpfully pointed out, taking the words right from Legolas's mouth. The elf nodded in agreement and the ranger continued. "Gandalf, last I recall, you were not a women."  
  
"Have you ever actually seen what's underneath those robes? I know I haven't," whispered Gimli to the elf. Legolas shook his head in reply.  
  
Aragorn spoke again. "Gandalf, please go and change. Or you can't come with us to breakfast."  
  
The wizard hung his head and sighed. "Ok, you win." He declared.  
  
Aragorn smiled as Gandalf stalked away to get changed.  
  
Legolas picked himself off the floor and dusted the dirt off the seat of his pants. "And you dwarf boy," he said to Gimli. "Are also not coming with us dressed like that."  
  
Gimli skulked off to change his clothes leaving Legolas and Aragorn alone in the kitchen.  
  
Legolas seemed to have forgotten about his hair until he glimpsed is reflection in the window. The elf wailed in despair and began a search for the happy pills.  
  
"Top shelf of the pantry," Aragorn informed the elf, without even asking what Legolas was looking for. Legolas nodded his thanks and stood on tiptoes to rummage around on the top shelf. He found the little blue bottle containing his precious happy pills and tipped half the bottle into his hand. Then the elf popped them all into his mouth and swallowed them all at once.  
  
Then the hobbits emerged from their bedrooms all neat and dressed, ready to go. Gandalf appeared a moment later in his baggy jeans and surf brand shirt and skate shoes in a pathetic attempt to look 'cool'. Gimli sauntered out of his room in a pair of orange trousers, a green shirt and a spotty yellow vest.  
  
At this particular moment, Legolas was glad Gimli and Gandalf had such bad taste, everyone would be busy looking at them rather than at the elf's bright red hair.  
  
Aragorn led the way to the cars parked in the driveway. Only then did anyone realise only five people could actually fit into Legolas's car.  
  
"I'll drive the hobbits," offered Frodo, moving over and unlocking the door of his orange mini. Merry and Pippin clamboured into the back seat of Frodo's car. Pippin whacked is head on the top of the door and swore loudly, which caused him to receive a sour look from an old lady walking her vacuum cleaner.  
  
Legolas glared at the lady, recognising her immediately as the lady with the pet salami he had accidentally squished when he was driving his old Red Ferrari. The old bat shook her fist at the fellowship and then gave them the finger before running away with her vacuum cleaner under her arm.  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes and unlocked the doors of his own car. "I'll drive if you want," offered Aragorn.  
  
Legolas shook his head. "No." he said. "Last time someone else drove my car they crashed it." The elf glared at Merry and Pippin, who hurriedly closed the car door of Frodo's mini. Sam climbed into the passenger seat and Frodo pulled out his pile of phone books from under the seat and sat down infront of the steering wheel.  
  
"Hurry up." Whinged Gandalf.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "All right already. Get in the car." He ordered. Gandalf and Gimli shot into the back seat and Legolas fought Aragorn for the steering wheel. The elf won and Aragorn sulked in his seat.  
  
Soon they all in the car and Frodo realised he had no idea where they were driving. "Merry?" said Frodo  
  
"Yea?" replied the other hobbit.  
  
"Do you know where we're supposed to be going?" Frodo asked.  
  
Merry shook his head, as did Pippin. Sam spoke. "Why don't you just follow Legolas's car?"  
  
Frodo was surprised at the logicality of it all and agreed that that was a good idea. The orange mini pulled out of the driveway behind the silver Porsche (AN/ it was a Porsche wasn't it?)  
  
Legolas put his foot down and the Porsche sped around the corner, narrowly avoiding a telegraph pole and a letterbox. The elf honked the horn at anyone who dared step out onto the pavement and continued his reckless drive to the restaurant. The orange mini followed behind. At this current time, even though when Legolas was quite a good driver when sane, Frodo seemed to have more control of the car. The mini calmly put putted along behind the speeding Porsche, managing to keep up without hitting anything or going outrageously over the speed limit.  
  
Soon Legolas yanked the steering wheel to the left and pulled into the car park. It took the hobbits a moment to register where he'd gone, but after they'd worked it out, they chucked a uey and pulled into the car park. (AN/ uey is Lamoo language for u-turn)  
  
The door of the Porsche opened and the elf and the ranger tumbled out of the car. Legolas was trying to defend blow to the head, Aragorn furiously trying to smack the elf's head with the gearstick. It obviously hadn't occurred to Aragorn that the car needed the gearstick. Gimli yanked Aragorn backwards off the elf and the pair of them stumbled backwards. Legolas stood up hurriedly and took cover behind Merry and Pippin. Gandalf stepped out of Legolas's car, unfazed, and skipped up the path towards the restaurant doors.  
  
The hobbits and Gimli followed leaving Legolas to run after them with Aragorn on his tail, the ranger angrily brandishing the gear stick out of the elf's car.  
  
The electric doors slid open and the fellowship was suddenly hit with a cold gust of air-conditioned air. Legolas sidled to the front of the group and confirmed their reservation. The fellowship followed a waitress to a table.  
  
The hobbits all sat down in their seats. Merry scowled crossly. "Could someone please get us hobbits here a booster seat?" he asked. The waitress nodded and went to fetch five booster seats.  
  
Gimli sniffed indignantly as the waitress handed him a booster seat. Gandalf snickered into his hand as both Legolas and Aragorn barked at Gimli to sit on the booster seat and shut up. The dwarf cursed under his breath and sat crossly while Legolas ordered some drinks.  
  
"Was möchten sie?" the waitress asked. It was only then that the hobbits, Aragorn, Gimli and Gandalf realised Legolas had taken them all to a German restaurant.  
  
Legolas turned to the others. "What do you want?" he asked everyone.  
  
"Mushrooms!" chorused Merry and Pippin together. "By the way, what did that waitress say?"  
  
Legolas sighed. "She asked what I wanted."  
  
"And since when have spoke German?" piped up Gimli.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "Dunno," he remarked. "Ever since Lamoo started learning it at school and made a pathetic attempt to speak it all the time. I sorta picked it up."  
  
The fellowship nodded. Merry and Pippin spoke again. "We want mushrooms, and milk and potato salad."  
  
"Why in the world do you two want potato salad?" asked Aragorn. "Normal people have bread and cereal and fruit and stuff for breakfast."  
  
"They're not normal Estel," muttered Legolas out of the corner of his mouth, only loud enough so Aragorn could hear. The elf continued. "Anyway, are you sure you want mushrooms and milk and potato salad?"  
  
The pair of hobbits nodded. Sam spoke. "I don't see why we couldn't just eat at home. They Legolas wouldn't have to bother with the German, besides, do any of you trust him? I have a sneaking suspicion he might tell the waitress I want a packet of enveloped in stead of a stack of pancakes."  
  
Legolas frowned. He had been planing to do the exact thing. He sighed. "We're eating here mainly because I don't want to eat your cooking. Also here, there is not even a remote chance that Lamoo might appear with her cronies. Neither Frodo nor me have been particularly popular with Lamoo's mate Mr Bean. As for the German, the waitress does speak English, Elvish, Spanish, Orcish as well as German. I'm just practising mine."  
  
The waitress tapped her foot impatiently. "Are you going to order or what?" she asked crossly.  
  
Legolas nodded. "Yes fine, two helpings of mushrooms, milk," he began. "Und zweimal Kartoffelsalate, ein tasse Kaffee,"  
  
"Eh?" said Aragorn.  
  
Legolas shook his head. "Don't worry about it, I haven't ordered yours yet."  
  
Aragorn nodded and picked up the menu. "Um, I think I might have some French toast, and some coffee."  
  
"And I'll have the same," added Gimli. "As well as toast with jam and a glass of orange juice."  
  
The waitress was scribbling down the orders on her pad of floral notepaper. "Sonst noch etwas?" she asked.  
  
"Heh?" said Aragorn.  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "She asked if we wanted anything else." He paused for a glance at the menu. "Uh, I think I'll have eggs and bacon."  
  
Frodo and Sam piped up and said that they'd have eggs and bacon too. Gandalf meanwhile was staring at the ceiling.  
  
"I think I feel like some French fries." He mused.  
  
"For breakfast?" asked Legolas. The wizard nodded and the elf shrugged. "Fine." He said, turning to the waitress. "Er möchtet einmal Pommes Frites." Legolas told the waitress.  
  
"Mit Mayonnaise oder ohne alles?" she replied.  
  
Legolas grinned evilly. "Mit bitte." He said. "Is that everything?" he asked the fellowship. They all nodded and the waitress strode away to place their order.  
  
"What's a pommes frites Legolas?" asked Frodo.  
  
"French fries." Legolas replied. "With mayonnaise."  
  
Gandalf pulled a face. "Chips with mayonnaise?!" he exclaimed. "That's like spaghetti flavoured ice cream."  
  
"They have that too if you want it."  
  
The fellowship shuddered. Then the made small talk while they waited for their food to arrive.  
  
All of a sudden Frodo glimpsed something on the other side of the room and started to squeak and wriggle.  
  
"Mr Frodo?" spoke up Sam. "what's the matter?"  
  
"M-m-m-mr B-b-b-bean." Frodo stuttered. It was true. There, at the front of the restaurant, was the, in Legolas and Frodo's opinion, the evil Mr Bean. With him were several other people, including Anelith, Lamoo, Nellie and Laura. All the girls were laughing as Mr Bean read something out of a German phrase book. They cracked up totally when Mr Bean asked for a sock full of spanners instead of a table for five.  
  
The man at the front desk raised an eyebrow before Anelith took over. She got everything sorted out again and the five weirdos followed the waiter towards their table.  
  
Frodo and Legolas sunk down in their seats and scrambled to hide under the tablecloth.  
  
"Why are you hiding?" asked Pippin. "It's only Lamoo and her friends."  
  
"We're hiding because its Lamoo and her friends you stupid hobbit." Legolas hissed.  
  
"Oh," was the only reply Pippin could come up with. It was not long before Laura noticed the fellowship sitting at their table.  
  
"Hi guys!" she said happily.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
TBC  
  
AN/ sorry guys will reply to your reviews in the next chapter, later. Sorry, I really want to get this chapter up and sometimes it takes way too long to get all the replies done. Sorry if that annoys anyone. deal with it! Anyway, sorry if that chapter was rather dry. Just a little comment before I let you all get on with your lives. NO BODY ELSEIS GETTING A CAMEO IN THIS FIC. If I said u could have one, you shall receive. later. Nellie and Mr Bean are two of my buddies from school so I don't think they'll mind terribly if I put them in every now and again. As for Anelith and Laura, they were the only two reviewers that I know know a bit of German. And it seemed right for the situation.  
  
Ok, I'm gonna go now. Happy reviewing! Until next chapter Love Lamoo  
  
Don't forget to review! 


	3. Very bad German, paintball and intruders

AN/ oh dear. I just realised I made a terrible mistake. I forgot to reply to the reviews for the past chapter AS WELL as the reviews for the last chappie of the first TF&TEND.  
  
Apologies to anyone who was a little scared when I made a bit of a scene telling people that they cant have cameos. Ok, here's the deal, if you asked for one in the first TF&TEND, but you didn't get one, you shall receive one. There are some others that I will give cameos too, mainly as a returned favour cos they put me in their fics. Thanks heaps guys for listening to what I said. (, Sorry if I got a bit scary.  
  
Ok, now time for reviews. hey hey, guess what! TF&TEND no. 1 has 300 reviews! Happy happy happy, I am so happy! Thankyou all! ( As for this fic, the numbers are well on their way!  
  
Ok, now down to business.  
  
Robyn the Pirate: hey dude. Sorry I got a bit scary. I wasn't really talking to you when I went all weird and kind of screamed my message. I did promise you and Norman a cameo, so you shall receive one. Tell Norman that we will have lots of random objects for him to juggle. As for Sam's bath toys, Barbies all the way! Water pistols, hmm, perhaps I should supply the hobbits with a few and see what happens. *Laughs evilly*. Would you mind if Jack Sparrow and Will Turner borrowed your boat? The pink hobbit? Cos it sounds like a way cool boat. erm, I mean ship. Lol. Anywhoosies, thankyou a bazzilion times to you and Norman for the reviews. Enjoy this silly, unhinged chapter! (  
  
Mr Bean: still here eh? You are very welcome. I really love writing, and for someone to say such nice things about it as you do makes me feel very special indeed. ( And the ballet, mwa haa haa! I feel some evil thoughts coming on. perhaps you can sit with Arwen and Leggie. *Laughs evilly* as for the 'so called' sad fic, I'm probably not going to bother putting it up cos its rather dry, plotless and boring. But if you so desperately want to read it, I'll finish it and email it to you. And who says I'm not planning on killing Mr Bean with an Arwen Stunt? Mwa haa haa. Nah, perhaps not. as for the glue, that idea was born out of pure insanity. Also I was almost temped to do it to my sister once. anyway, enjoy this chappie!  
  
Paladin Dragoon: thankyou. ( Very pleased you think I did myself proud. :D tell Loki he's very welcome, your mum will love the frame I'm sure. Hope this fic passes your criteria and you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
  
Saturndragon: moi? A torture genius? Thankyou. (. As for the waitress, I happen to think it would be very cool indeed if she really could speak all those languages. And the ice cube undies. Hehe. My mum told me she did that to a guy at camp once, when he pissed everyone up. The only thing with that was that she was supposedly one of the camp leadery instructor people. Hehe cracks me up when I think about it. XD and seeing as how you asked nicely, in your review in the last chappie of the other fic, I might consider squeezing you in. but only after anyone who didn't get a cameo before has had one. That's only cos you got to come to the party for the entire thing and some people asked to come but didn't get to. Anywho, thanks lots of bunches of yummy bananas.  
  
Aelimir: no, it's not over yet! And guess what, I did get 300 reviews! Yay, which makes me very very happy! Thankyou for your ever-faithful reviews. Enjoy this chapie, hope it's satisfactory. Lol  
  
LotRseer3350: not over! Not by a long shot! You want to be in the sequel? Hmm, I'm only going to say yes cos u asked me before I told everyone no more people; also I'm dying for more chapters of your fic. Hehe. And I don't get what you mean when u said Hex left u behind. *Shrug* I have no idea. Sorry. ( Anywhosies, I'm updating here, you owe me an update! :D  
  
Inweofnargothrond: twins. *sigh* grr, my sis apparently saw the ROTK trailer on telly a few days ago, while I was on the computer writing the next chapter for you guys. She said she saw some dude with long dark hair give Aragorn a sword. *Shrug* could have been Halbarad. Or then again, she could have been an annoying little turn and telling a huge fib. I've seen Ned Kelly! Maybe it's just me, but the only things that really make it watchable are the fact that Orlando and Heath Ledger are in it. But then again, I did kinda learn about stupid Ned Kelly in grade 4. Every Australian knows the story inside out. It was rather dry and kinda lame, but Orli made it ok. Actually, he made me watch it four times. Hehe. POTC was WAY better tho, perhaps even bordering on better than LOTR, only problem with it was that there were no hobbits in it. ( I'm not particularly fond of movie Arwen either. Liv Tyler's cool and all, and Arwen is certainly a kick ass woman, but Glorfindel was better. and the credits. In TTT, Cate Blanchet's name is way before Orlando's and Galadriel got like, three minutes screen time. Oh well, nothing we can do about it. I'm not sure what colour Mark the spatula is, you'll have to ask Laura. but lime green IS very cool. My room is lime green. Hehe. And the underwear ice cube, that idea came about when my mummy was telling me about a time when she was one of the leaders at a summer camp thing and this other camp dude was annoying everyone. So she and some other people stole all his undies and froze them in an ice cream container full of water and served them to him on a silver platter at breakfast. Hehe. And I've never had chocolate chip pancakes. Hmm, usually have em with maple syrup. Yummy. Mmm, even tho people keep telling me not to lick it off the plate when I'm done. Hehe. Oh damn, I always end up rambling and wasting everyone's time when I reply to reviews like this. oh well, such is life. (Watch out for that line in Ned Kelly) enjoy this chappie.  
  
Kawaii Elf Girl: if you don't want TF&TEND to end, than end it shall not. Hah, I will tell Mr Bean that you'll hire Legolas to shoot him. That was he'll be dead and we can go and huggle Legolas. I want to play paintball, say, that gives me an idea. Thanks! And I'm sorry, no more parties, the ballet! And other crazy places. Mwa haa haa. Cya!  
  
Legolas Stalker: I'll take that to mean Mark is pleased with his cameo. ( Birthday hat for Mark, what colour? Green?! Kewel. Go Monty Python, its one of my most favourtist movies too. POTR and LOTR included. Pleased you liked the last chapter. Oh yes, and who said it was Elrohir and Elladan that dyed Leggie's hair red? It could have been someone else. mwa haa haa. But I'm sure Leggie will be glad of the rubbing alcohol. Unless I persuade him to keep his red hair for a while. And you didn't offend me, I speak no Spanish what so ever. But the waitress does! (. And you probably know more German than I do. Hehe. Isn't Leggie clever?  
  
Marissa03: ack! No, alas I do not speak elvish. Not very well anyway, I know a few phrases and I don't know whether they're in Sindarian or Quenya. Heh. and I don't speak much German either. Only really as far as the eighth grade syllabus goes. Glad you're enjoying this pointless piece of silly writing  
  
Lolly: hmm, I wonder what did happen to Bory and Haldir? Hmm, I think I shall need to investigate that. Pleased you liked the last fic, hope you find this one as funny, hopefully. ( And the underwear! Whooo! As long as no one does that to me, I shall be happy. Enjoy this chappie!  
  
Sugaricing: why a teabag, well, to tell the truth, I'm not really sure. And everyone makes Leggie to only sane one. Here, he is sort of sane most of the time and occasionally he goes weird and crazy. :D. strange smart idiotic person. Hehe, sounds like me, if yu get rid of the smart bit. Lol. Pleased you 'luved it to bits' enjoy this strange, unhinged chapter!  
  
Snowmane: you bet! Here is the sequel! Is every body happy? Yay, that's good. Thankies a bazzilion for the reviews, they make me very happy and when I'm very happy, I tend to write chapters quicker. X)  
  
Loud-mouth-of-sauron- or- Katz: hehe, love the pen name chum. And thankies for the advice, I did change the rating; it wasn't really suitable was it? Hehe. Funny, glad you think so. ( Have a laugh at this chappie then tell me what you think.  
  
Banx: who says I'm not going to be able to reply to all those wonderfully goodyish reviews? Mercy peak? What's that? Oh, something with Craig parker in it right? Ooh, I found the cutest piccy of him the other day *dies* hehe, so very very cuteyish. I have no idea what mercy peak is actually about and I have never been to New Zealand. Beats me whether all doctors are like they are on telly. My grandma was a nurse in NZ years ago tho, and she's cool. Feather hat! That might have almost been the best bit in POTC; the sword fight was better tho, that was great. And even tho, as you said, I AM up to my belly button in reviews, I love it, and I WILL reply (will, hehe, will.) and we play hide and seek too. Murder in the dark is just hide and seek in the dark with a strange name. Glad you liked your, erm, lick. Hehe. I'll make sure I tell Haldir that you have a cat bite that needs kissing better. ( Yay all caught up. Simon and Garfunkle are kewel. Haldir is better tho, even tho I'm not sure whether the bootyful elfy can sing. *shrug* ok, enough rambling on my part, get on and read the chapter! And I told you I would reply! ha  
  
Luna-lovegood-fan: no, no not ended. Not by a long shot. Gandalf in his dress. *Shudder* mentally scared now. Happy, happy, happy! Happy you reviewed; hope you are happy with this chapter. As you might have guessed I like the word happy. Toodles  
  
Holly: no, you didn't forget to review; I think I must have just forgotten to reply. Naughty Lamoo. *Smacks head with keyboard* ok, I'm over it. And I agree with you completely, Leggie is not a Wus! Not a wus, no way. I want a will turner badge, NOW! Mwa haa haa, hmm, pointy.and you're not alone, it would be cruel for me to say that in POTC Johnny Depp kinda stole the show, but I think he kinda did. Even tho Orli is still wonderful. Oh yes, guess what! I got 300 reviews! Yay, so very, very happy! Thankyou for YOUR reviews. (  
  
Elfchick123/Elfchick456: sorry, combining your replies here. Saves me from having to type so much when I really want to get on and finish these replies and write this chapter. You like the ballet idea? Oh that's good. *Sigh* my strange sister, you might also have to fight Banx for Haldir. But then again, there's plenty of him to go around. :P and I played rock paper scissors and lost. with the rock. grr. Glue. have been very tempted to do that to my sis on a number of occasions. But then discovered we didn't have any pva glue. *sniff* anywho, enjoy this chappie!  
  
Hex of the Unseelie: somehow, I don't think I'd call this fic beautiful. Somewhat insane really, but I'm glad I made you feel better. And yes, real men do use swords, not gunses. And real elves use bows. *Drool* enjoy!  
  
XHellsFireX: wow, very pleased indeed that you think this fic is so funny. My parents have been certain I'm insane ever since I discovered the wonderful world of Fanfiction. And Leggie's hair should be ok, he's very resilient you see, and he'll probably be back to himself in a day or two. And the evil person who put glue and ink in Leggie's shampoo is yet to be uncovered. Mwa haa haa. And yea, I am Australian. Go Leggie! And for future reference, I don't mind strange reviews. Usually they're more entertaining to read than regular ones. So, enjoy this chapter, and.. Squirrel!  
  
Raven Demon: Ned Kelly huh? Hmm, it's pretty good, but the only reason its worth seeing is cos it has yummy guys in it. Ooh, I want a Legolas standee. Never actually seen one, but meh. Robin Hood? I loved Men in tights, that was great. And thankyou a bazillion times for the cameo in your mushrooms fic. I feel so special. ( will have to return the favour. And no, I have never seen spongebob toothbrush holders. not sure I want to either.but Lego, *drool* red hair, poor ol' Leggie. I haven't actually decided when the fellowship is going to the ballet. They might go and play paint ball first. Love the idea with the hobbits in the car for five days, hmm, I think that's something for Aragorn to do. *laughs evilly* anywho, hope you like this chapter, cos I loved writing it!  
  
Phew, that took a while. If I forgot anyone, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.. (  
  
Disclaimer: after spending an hour replying to reviews, Lamoo goes and eats a sandwich, which ham and cheese and tomato and chicken and lettuce and tomato sauce and avocado and mustard and mayonnaise and chips and sprinkles on it. She grins happily as she chomps down the sandwich, which she actually owned prior to her eating it. Unfortunately, unlike the sandwich, Lamoo does not own the fellowship or anything vaguely familiar. The only disturbing things Lamoo owns are herself, the waitress at the German restaurant, Gandalf's pocket pack of tissues and the deodorant that Aragorn forgot to put on that morning. All respective reviewers own themselves.  
  
Thanks to those who voted for the new fic name. Voting will close this chapter so if you want to see this fic re named then this is your chance. If no more votes come in, this fic will be called Robin Hood, the person who has no part in this fanfiction.  
  
Ok, enough blabbing. Here is chapter three!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
previously in TF&TEND, the adventures continue, Legolas and Aragorn convnded Gandalf to change, Legolas reminded us all why he no longer has a drivers licence, we discovered that our elf is bilingual and at the place they thought Lamoo would least likely be, she and her cronies appeared.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"hi there Laura," said Pippin happily. "Legolas is under the table,"  
  
Laura grinned and under the table Legolas bit Pippin on the kneecap. The hobbit yelped earning himself odd glances from the restaurant patrons.  
  
Lamoo grinned and waltzed up. She gave Merry and Pippin a hug and sat down at the table. "what's happening? And why are Frodo and Legolas hiding under the table?"  
  
There was a muffled grunt and then Legolas's red head emerged from under the tablecloth. "We're not hiding, I dropped my fork."  
  
Gimli laughed heartily. "They saw you and your friends and decided to hide." He informed the authoress. "Oh, good, here's the food." He added when sever waiters and waitresses came out of the kitchens carrying plates and trays.  
  
The waiters and waitresses put the food and drinks on the table and left without a word. Lamoo, Anelith, Laura, Nellie and Mr Bean heartily dug into the fellowship's food.  
  
"Oy," exclaimed Legolas. "Back off, those are my pancakes." Mr Bean grinned evilly and continued to eat Legolas's pancakes. "And by the way, I thought I ordered something else."  
  
"You did," replied Aragorn through a mouthful of bacon. "But Lamoo ate your French toast so now you have to eat the pancakes."  
  
"I cant," muttered the elf. "He's eating them." He added, nodding towards Mr Bean, who had just finished Legolas's pancakes and was now tucking into large helping of Merry and Pippin's potato salad.  
  
Lamoo licked maple syrup off her fingers. "Herr Ober!" she called. The waiter came over. Lamoo grinned. "Wir Möchten mehr essen bitte." She said, casting an eye back to the German phrase book lying open in the table.  
  
"What did she say?" whispered Mr Bean to Nellie.  
  
Nellie rolled her eyes. "She said, waiter, we would like more food please."  
  
"Oh," replied Mr Bean.  
  
The waiter nodded as Lamoo went through a list of every food imaginable, much to the delight of the hobbits. The waiter went through the order and Lamoo nodded in confirmation. The waiter disappeared again to place their order.  
  
By now Anelith and Laura had dragged over some extra chairs to the fellowship's table. Lamoo and Nellie were busy talking to Merry and Pippin about mushrooms, Legolas had his head in his hands, moping while Mr Bean laughed at his hair. Laura was glaring at Mr Bean, Anelith was inching closer and closer to Frodo and he hobbit was biting his fingernails and muttering things about crazy people under his breath. As for Aragorn, he and Gandalf were having a competition, seeing which of them could blow the most bubbles through the straw in their milkshakes. Gimli was refereeing and Sam was absent-mindedly playing with his place mat with the little bits of raffia along the side.  
  
Eventually, the food arrived and it wasn't long before it had all been eaten. Pippin belched loudly. Lamoo narrowed her eyes and let go an even bigger burp. Pippin grinned then burped again. From then on it was an all out belching contest.  
  
Soon, everyone was all 'burped out', if it could be said. The hobbits were felling that the next time they burped; they might puke up their breakfast.  
  
Legolas however, as with Aragorn, hadn't taken part in the contest. Legolas was halfway through another cup of lemon tea while Aragorn had a strawberry milkshake. They were discussing in hushed elvish, hunched over a bit of paper.  
  
Anelith glanced at the bit of paper and squealed in delight. Gimli raised his bushy eyebrows. "What?" he asked. "What are you so happy about?"  
  
"Paintball?" yelled out Frodo, reading the piece of paper. "Cool."  
  
Legolas smiled. "Glad you think so. Because you lot are going to play paint ball this afternoon while I go and get my hair done."  
  
"Who's paying?" Merry wanted to know.  
  
"Why does that matter?" Aragorn wanted to know.  
  
"Because," began Merry. "Pip and I were fired before we got our next pay check. Practically broke."  
  
Legolas sighed loudly. "I'll shout it, if you'll all leave me alone this afternoon so I can go shopping."  
  
"Deal," chorused the hobbits. Gandalf grinned happily and Gimli looked pleased.  
  
"Can we come?" asked Nellie. "Paint ball sounds fun."  
  
"Yes, it is," remarked Legolas in a bored, slightly sarcastic voice. "Go ahead. Just make sure Lamoo stays there with you." Lamoo and Nellie nodded happily. "And the rest of you can go too," Legolas informed Mr Bean, Laura and Anelith.  
  
"I'll get the bill," spoke up Lamoo. She called out to a passing waitress and she trotted off to fetch the bill. Lamoo grinned and clicked her fingers. A couple of $20 notes appeared and she put them on the little tray that the bill came on. "Let's get going,"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The fellowship plus Lamoo and her friends filed out of the restaurant, Legolas very much looking forward to some quality time alone, in peace and quiet, while the others were looking forward to the paintball.  
  
"How are you guys getting to where ever you're going?" asked Sam, noticing that Lamoo was only thirteen and couldn't drive. Somehow it didn't look like any of her friends could either.  
  
Lamoo grinned evilly again, clicked her fingers. Suddenly she, Laura, Nellie, Mr Bean and Anelith were gone.  
  
"Let's pretend that didn't happen shall we?" remarked Aragorn. "Ok, in the car," he pulled out his sword, which he still carried everywhere, and began waving it in the air, trying to hustle the hobbits into Frodo's car and Gimli and Gandalf into Legolas's.  
  
"Whoa, watch the paint," yelled Legolas as the sword came a little to close to the shiny silver paintwork on the Porsche.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~  
  
At last the fellowship arrived home, after taking almost twice as long than usual. They had been caught behind a silly old woman riding a donkey. She didn't seem to understand that the green traffic light meant she could move. So, the fellowship arrived home, tempers a little hotter than they had been previously.  
  
Aragorn rummaged around in his pockets for his keys and swore loudly when he discovered he'd taken Gandalf's instead. Any normal person would ask what was wrong with Gandalf's keys. The answer simply was that the only keys on the key ring was a plastic key for the wizard's diary, the mailbox key and a spare key to Elronds's house. Attached were about sixteen key chains, varying from pink and fluffy to a little toaster that sung 'I'm a little tea pot' when you squeezed it. Aragorn continued to swear loudly and was eventually quietened by a whack in the head with a cricket bat that Legolas had found lying on the lawn.  
  
Legolas discovered, after asking around, that none of the other members of the fellowship had their keys with them. So the elf rang the doorbell but then had a turn swearing loudly himself when he remembered he'd disconnected it the day before.  
  
"We can climb through the window," suggested Merry, un-aware of the scene Gimli had made that morning whilst stuck in the window.  
  
Legolas and Gimli glared at the hobbit. Aragorn however, was out cold on the front porch and Legolas was thumping the cricket bat used for the ranger whacking against his shin.  
  
"Don't suggest it," muttered Gimli. "We'll just go through the back door. I think I left it unlocked."  
  
Legolas usually would have screamed his lungs out at the dwarf for leaving the door unlocked. Especially after the behaviour of the party guests the night before, not to mention the pair of loony pirates that lived in their ship floating in the pool. But this time the elf was glad the dwarf had some something stupid.  
  
Gimli led the way around the back of the house. He gasped when he saw the back door was open, muddy footprints on the ground.  
  
All the fellowship minus Aragorn, grabbed something with which to smack the intruders with. Legolas still had his cricket bat, Gimli found a rake. Merry grabbed a loose fence plank from Haldir's side fence while Pippin grabbed a hold of a large inflatable pool toy, which so happened to be a duck. Gandalf picked up a golf club, another off item lying on the ground, and Frodo stole Aragorn's sword. Sam meanwhile was foraging in the garden shed. He nodded determinedly when he found a massive paintbrush and a roller.  
  
Legolas went in first, the bat raised above his head, followed by Merry and Pippin and his duck. Gandalf and Gimli came next and then Frodo, Sam cowering behind him. They left Aragorn unconscious on the deck.  
  
There were suspicious sounds coming from the living room.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
TBC  
  
AN/ mwa haa haa! Anyone willing to guess who the intruder is? Hehe. Thankyou for all the reviews people, they make me fell very loved. Anyway, hope you enjoyed that chapter.  
  
Don't forget to review  
  
Love Lamoo 


	4. Pippin meets Percy and paintball part II

AN/ whoo hoo! School holidays! Yay, which means lots more time for Fanfiction and the Sims. But all you guys should care about is the fact that I wrote a new chappie especially for you.(  
  
Reviews. *Sigh* how I love them. Keep them coming guys! Thankyou a bazillion times. But, I figured you would rather have this chapter sooner without replied to the reviews rather than later, so if yu want replies, you'll have to wait until next time.  
  
Disclaimer: anyone with half a brain might have worked out by now that Lamoo owns nothing of value in this fic, but Lamoo on the other hand, has no brain, let alone half of one. She still thinks she owns everything in this fanfiction, and everything in the world for that matter. Poor twisted Lamoo.  
  
And voting is still open, think of a good name for this fic and you'll get an extra long, special cameo.  
  
And just for your information, I have nothing against Haldir. He is wonderful and PJ is an evil, evil dude for killing him off. Legolas just gets pissy at Haldir in this chapter.  
  
Oki doki then, here is chapter 4. Hope everyone enjoys it!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue, it was decided that paintball was to be the activity that afternoon, Legolas left his keys inside, Aragorn got hit on the head with a cricket bat and a mysterious intruder was making suspicious noises in the fellowship's kitchen.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Pippin gulped nervously and squeezed his blow up pool toy. "You go first," Pippin said to Merry.  
  
Merry shook his head wildly. "Shut up Pippin, let Legolas go." He replied. "Besides, who would you rather have eaten? Your best friend? Or a pissy elf who bit your kneecap."  
  
Legolas heard what was being said and turned around to give the hobbits a murderous glare. The elf gripped the handle of his bat tighter and silently volunteered to emerge first. Sounds of saucepans clanking and water sloshing were coming from the kitchen.  
  
Gimli strode up to stand beside the elf. "Don't worry lad," he said. Legolas sneered in reply.  
  
Then Legolas and Gimli raised their weapons high above their heads, Gimli's rake almost smacking the elf in the chin.  
  
"Just go already!" muttered Frodo.  
  
Legolas gulped. "But what if it's fan girls?"  
  
Merry grinned. "If it is fan girls, just smile and ask them nicely to get out of our house." He said. "Use the blonde elf charm."  
  
Legolas let go an exasperated sigh. "And if it's anyone else, I'll hit them with this," he said, brandishing his cricket bat. "Wish us luck." He added before disappearing around the corner.  
  
Gimli came charging in next followed by the hobbits and Gandalf bringing up the rear. Frodo stopped in his tracks and actually laughed when he saw what was going on.  
  
Jack Sparrow was busy washing a saucepan while Will was loading the dishwasher. Haldir was with them, the elf licking plates clean then putting them back in the cupboard.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!??" roared Legolas. To Pippin, Legolas reminded him strongly of his mother the nights where Pip's dad came home from the Green Dragon completely pissed with a couple of mates.  
  
Jack dropped his saucepan into the sink of water with a splash and water sloshed all over the kitchen floor. Will dropped a plate and it smashed all over the floor before he cowered back against the wall. Haldir continued to lick the plates clean, un fazed by Legolas's screaming.  
  
Jack trembled. "We w-were j-j-just cleaning up." He stuttered. Legolas raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Our kitchen on our ship blew up and we wanted some breakfast," added Will helpfully. "So we came over here to ask if we could borrow your microwave, and Haldir was already here, pulling the shoelaces out of every pair of shoes in the house. You guys weren't here so we figured you wouldn't mind if we cooked some brunch, and cleaned up after ourselves,"  
  
Then, all of a sudden, Aragorn stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing his head. "Whas goin on?" he slurred. "An why duz my 'ead hur' so mush?"  
  
Haldir giggled and smashed a plate over Aragorn's head, causing the ranger to drop to the ground again, out cold.  
  
Legolas smiled. "For once, that was a very intelligent thing to do Haldir," he told the other elf. "But more to the point, why were you taking out the shoelaces of every shoe in this house?"  
  
"I wasn't," squeaked Haldir. "I was putting more red ink in your shampoo bottle."  
  
Legolas went the same colour as his hair and everyone thought that steam was coming out of his ears. Haldir sensed that he'd said something he shouldn't have and began to back away. Legolas however lunged, screaming his lungs out, yelling obscene things at Haldir. The prince of Mirkwood pummelled Haldir, the latter screaming like a chipmunk.  
  
"Hey Pip," whispered Merry as everyone watched Haldir take a serious beating. "Wanna get some popcorn?"  
  
Pippin nodded eagerly and the pair of hobbits edged their was around the kitchen to where Will and Jack were sitting on the table munching on some popcorn. Merry snatched the pack away from the pirates and he and Pippin scurried away, leaving Jack and Will to eat imaginary popcorn until it registered with the pair that their supply had been snatched away.  
  
"Damn hobbit," muttered Will as he reached for an apple in the fruit bowl. "Ow, that would have hurt," he added as everyone watched Legolas's foot connect somewhere where no male should ever be kicked. Haldir squeaked in pain and went cross-eyed.  
  
Legolas panted as he sent another sweeping kick, his foot kicking Haldir around the head. "That will teach you never to mess with my hair," he spat savagely. "If I ever catch you near my stuff again," he added, pausing for dramatic effect. "I will not hesitate to kill you." Haldir squeaked, obviously unable to say anything else. "Now get out." Said Legolas. Haldir hurriedly limped out of the kitchen and ran away.  
  
Legolas turned to face the pirates. "I hope you two had nothing to do with my shampoo and a bottle of glue." He said in a would be calm voice.  
  
Jack and Will shook their heads. "No sir," they replied obediently.  
  
Will smiled sweetly. "And if it would not be too bold to say, your hair does look very fetching."  
  
The hobbits snickered behind Legolas's back, and luckily for them, the elf did not hear them. Aragorn stirred again.  
  
"Oh look, he's waking up, we'd better be going," said Jack quickly. "Thankyou, ta ta," he added before he and Will fled out of the kitchen. Gimli watched out the window and grunted in surprise when he saw a pink cardboard box floating in the middle of the pool.  
  
"Why is there a box in the pool?" Gimli asked Gandalf, who had come to stand beside him and was watching as Will and Jack vaulted into the box/boat and began to paddle away to the other side of the pool with pool noodles. Gandalf shrugged.  
  
Outside, Will and Jack were having a bit of difficulty making their boat sail. For one, the box wasn't very big, two, it was made of cardboard and was all soggy and three, two pirates in a box is enough to make the boat sink.  
  
"Man over board!" hollered Jack as their box began to sink. Will muttered something but it was drowned out as the pair of pirates sunk under the water.  
  
All the while the fellowship had been watching from inside and all of them laughed. Apart from Pippin, who wasn't tall enough to see through the window.  
  
Aragorn rubbed his head again. "My head hurts, I'm going to lie down." He remarked.  
  
"No you're not." Legolas replied. "You're supervising the hobbits and Gandalf along with Lamoo and her friends, while they play paintball."  
  
Aragorn whimpered in protest. "Do I have to?" he wanted to know.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "Dunno, either that or you can come shopping with me."  
  
"I think I'll come with you," answered the ranger. "Gimli can supervise. Either that or you let them all go wild while you go and get a pedicure."  
  
Legolas smiled at the prospect. "All right, Aragorn, you're coming with me, every body else, the session starts in an hour."  
  
"I thought you said it was supposed to be this AFTERNOON." Remarked Sam.  
  
Legolas nodded. "It is," he replied. "It's already two o'clock."  
  
Everyone looked shocked that the day had flown so fast. Frodo shrugged. "Fine then, let's go."  
  
"But what about lunch?" Merry spoke up.  
  
"We'll go to maccas." Suggested Gimli. Everyone cheered, especially Legolas, who was very glad indeed that he would be rid of the hobbits, the dwarf and strange twisted Gandalf for the whole afternoon.  
  
The fellowship minus the elf and the ranger hurried out the door. Aragorn frowned. "How do they expect to get there?" he asked.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "No idea. One thing's for sure; no one's driving my car. Merry crashed it last time."  
  
"But Frodo and Gandalf are the only ones that actually have cars. And I wouldn't trust Gandalf to drive sensibly. I suppose all of them could go in Gandalf's VW, Gimli could drive."  
  
Legolas nodded. "Not our problem. Let's go, I want to get my hair done as soon as possible."  
  
"Right," muttered Aragorn as he grabbed his wallet and keys. Legolas picked up his own bundle of keys and sauntered out the door.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The fellowship minus the elf and the ranger arrived at the paintball place a little while later. After about ten minutes trying to get the car parked straight, Gimli opened the door and hopped out, followed by the others.  
  
"Looking forward to this Pip?" Merry asked his buddy. But Pippin wasn't concentrating. The hobbit's eyes were all glassy and he was grinning stupidly.  
  
"Pippin?"  
  
Pippin made no reply, but continued to stare at something.  
  
"What are you looking at?" asked Sam.  
  
Pippin beamed and trotted over to the dumpster that was in the car park. He picked up something small and mouldy, rather brownish and hugged it close.  
  
"Put that down Pip," said Frodo. "What is it anyway?"  
  
"I think it's a mouldy parsnip." Replied Gimli. "Put it down Pippin, we'll be late."  
  
Pippin glared at Gimli. "Don't be mean to Percy."  
  
"Who's Percy?" Gandalf wanted to know.  
  
Pippin held out Percy the parsnip for all to see. "Say hello Percy," Pippin said. The hobbit hugged the mouldy vegetable close again.  
  
"Pippin," said Frodo gently. "That is a parsnip. Put it back in the garbage and come with us."  
  
Pippin's eyed welled up. "Never," he choked. "I could never abandon Percy,"  
  
Merry shook his head exasperatedly. "Pip, you are not bringing that stinking, mouldy vegetable to play paintball."  
  
"If Percy cant come, I'm not either," declared Pippin resolutely.  
  
"Fine," chorused the others as they turned their backs on Pippin and began striding through the doors.  
  
"Good," Pippin told Percy. "It's just you and me now."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
By now, Legolas and Aragorn were at the mall. Bags already weighed down Aragorn's arms considerably, all containing some new thing Legolas had bought. Whether it be a nice new pair of jeans, a pair of strappy high heels or a nice bottle of yummy, but strange, smelling cologne.  
  
"Ooh, look at that," squealed Legolas, as he saw a brightly coloured cushion for sale in a home wears store.  
  
"Legolas," grunted Aragorn, "you don't need any more crap."  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow. "That is a cushion, not a turd." He told Aragorn. The ranger only sighed. Legolas skipped into the store and set about looking at various things. Soon he had an armful of purchases and was making his way over to the counter.  
  
"That all?" asked the salesgirl sarcastically as she saw piles and piles of things tipped onto the counter.  
  
"Well actually," began the elf, "there's a very nice candle holder over there, mind if I just pop over and get it?"  
  
"Not at all," replied the salesgirl dully.  
  
Legolas grabbed the blue sparkly candleholder and sauntered back over to the counter. He and the ranger waited while the girl loaded their purchases into bags. Legolas handed them all to Aragorn, who was not pleased that he had to carry another twelve bags on top of the fifteen he was already carting around.  
  
"That'll be six hundred and forty five dollars and twenty five cents," droned the sales girl, hitting a few buttons on the cash register. "And because you spent over fifty dollars, you qualify to enter our holiday competition."  
  
"Cool," replied Legolas as he handed over his well worked out credit card. "What do you win?"  
  
"A trip for you and ten friends to the destination of your choice, two weeks accommodation and $5000 spending money."  
  
"Wow, that sounds cool." Mused the elf. "Can I enter?"  
  
"Knock yourself out," the salesgirl told Legolas, actually hoping he would take that phrase literally. Sensing that he would not, she slid the entry form over towards the elf. Legolas pulled his pretty silver pen and filled in the entry form.  
  
"Ok, now what?" asked the elf.  
  
"Well done sir," droned the sales girl. "You have won the competition."  
  
"Wow, that was quick," exclaimed Legolas delightedly.  
  
"Whatever," replied the sales girl. "The competition closes today and in the past year while the comp was running, you were the only person to make a purchase over fifty dollars in this store, thus the only person to enter the competition."  
  
Legolas beamed happily before turning to Aragorn. "Where should we go?" he asked.  
  
"Back to the car," replied Aragorn, his arms groaning under the weight of the bags.  
  
Legolas sighed. "Fine, let's go." The elf took the lead and strutted through the mall, flashing white-toothed smiles at anyone who commented on his hair.  
  
"I thought you were going to get your hair done?" Aragorn said to the elf as he dumped the armfuls of bags into the backseat of Legolas's car.  
  
The elf shrugged. "I was," he replied. "But I quite like it red. For one thing, maybe some of those rabid fan girls wont notice me, and also, there is a very pretty elf who works at the vacuum cleaner store." Legolas locked the car and he and the ranger made their way back into the mall for a bite to eat.  
  
"So, what about this elf?" inquired Aragorn. "Who is he?"  
  
"Excuse me, I thought you said who was HE," said Legolas.  
  
"I did," answered the ranger with a raised eyebrow.  
  
Legolas shook his head. "Don't be stupid. You don't know how much it irritates me to be labelled a poof."  
  
"Well I do actually, you should see how many slash fan fictions there are out there with you and me featuring as the main, erm, characters."  
  
The elf and the ranger shuddered in unison. "Disturbing," muttered Legolas as he and Aragorn strode past various shops, the elf gazing into the windows with an expression of mild interest. Soon they came to a little café, where it seemed, Legolas was a regular. "Table for two please," he called out to a waiter. The pair was shown to their table and Legolas ordered some coffee and a treacle tart before continuing the conversation.  
  
"Estel," the elf began.  
  
"Hmm?" came the reply as Aragorn stuffed his face full of chocolate cake.  
  
"What made you think that this elf I was talking about was a bloke?"  
  
Aragorn shrugged. "Ocu trike mas etie." He said, his mouth full.  
  
Legolas let go an exasperated sigh. "What was that?" he asked, arching a dark eyebrow gracefully. "And don't talk with your mouth full, you sprayed me with chewed up cake and slobber."  
  
"Shorry," came the reply. Aragorn swallowed. "I was saying that you just sometimes appear a little gay."  
  
Legolas looked taken aback. "How?" he wanted to know.  
  
Aragorn took a swig of his coffee. "Well," he said, putting the cup back on the table. "Need I mention the obsession with shopping and clothes, hair, movies with Johnny Depp in them, not to mention almost everything that you have bought recently looked as if it would suit Arwen's bedroom better than yours."  
  
Legolas narrowed his eyes. "Is it my fault that I have impeccable taste and like to look good?"  
  
Aragorn shook his head. "Spose not." He replied, draining his coffee cup. Legolas nodded and finished the last of his own coffee, chatting with the ranger mildly about various subjects such as general interest magazines and patchwork.  
  
Aragorn payed for their coffee and cake before he and the elf set off again to wander around the mall. "So," began the ranger awkwardly. "Who's this girl?"  
  
Legolas grinned stupidly. "If I told you I'd never live it down."  
  
"How come?" Aragorn wanted to know.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "Cos you'd tell Lamoo and then she'd persist in writing a Mary Sue featuring me and this person."  
  
"Fair enough," replied Estel. "So, where are we gonna go now that you've won a holiday."  
  
The elf shrugged. "No idea," he answered, his feet carrying him over to a store. "What do you think of these?" he asked Aragorn, holding up a pair of faded blue jeans.  
  
The latter shrugged. "They're nice," Aragorn said mildly. "But you already have forty five pairs of jeans."  
  
"So?" came the reply as the elf picked up a few more items of clothing and carted them over to the cashier. "As for our holiday, somewhere tropical would be nice."  
  
The cashier took the credit card Legolas handed him and loaded the elf's purchases into a bag, shooting the elf strange glances as Legolas talked about 'our' holiday with Aragorn. "Thankyou," Legolas said briskly, picking up his purchases and stalking out of the store, Aragorn tagging along behind.  
  
"We could go to Hawaii." Suggested Aragorn. "That sure is tropical."  
  
Legolas wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Nah, been there already. Somewhere new would be nice."  
  
"You could always just stop by the travel agent and grab some brochures." Suggested Aragorn with a shrug.  
  
"Why not," replied the elf briskly, quickening his pace. "Perhaps Bali, I hear they do nice hair braiding and the shopping is wonderful,"  
  
"Maybe," mused the ranger thoughtfully. "Or Malaysia, Thailand perhaps."  
  
"Maybe," answered the elf as he slipped into the travel agent for a minute to grab some brochures. When he returned, he handed a fistful to Aragorn, who flipped through a few.  
  
"Why did you get a brochure about the Swiss alps?" Estel asked.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "I thought it might be better if we went skiing."  
  
"Personally, I like the idea of warm sun, sand and sea better, rather than hobbits feeling tempted to put snow in my underwear."  
  
Legolas snickered, recalling a time where Merry and Pippin had indeed done that. The elf regained his composure and nodded. "Yes, somewhere warm definitely, I need to work on my tan."  
  
"And you tell everyone you're straight," muttered Aragorn under his breath  
  
Legolas chose to ignore that comment. "How long is it since you've had a massage and a manicure?" Legolas asked the ranger suddenly.  
  
Aragorn raised his eyebrows. "Never had a manicure," he began and there was an audible gasp from the elf. "As for massage, Arwen gave me one once and I hardly count her walking on my back a massage,"  
  
Legolas nodded. "Right then," he murmured. "Then I guess we're going to get a massage and a manicure,"  
  
"If you wouldn't mind, I'd rather not." Replied the ranger.  
  
Legolas arched an eyebrow. "Why not? My shout,"  
  
Aragorn decided that it couldn't be too bad, plus Legolas just offered to pay. "Why not." He said.  
  
Legolas flashed a white-toothed smile and links arms with the man before towing him off towards the health spa and beauty salon that was so conveniently located just a few shops down.  
  
"We can be manicure buddies!" said Legolas happily as they sauntered into the store. "French manicure and a two hour massage and facial for two please," he said politely to the girl at the counter.  
  
She looked up from filing her fingernails and nodded. "Will you be paying my cash or credit card?" she asked. Legolas flicked over his well-used credit card and she took it. "Just go into that room there and the masseuses will be with you in a moment."  
  
Legolas took back his card and smiled. "Thankyou very much," he said jauntily before he towed Aragorn into the room.  
  
Aragorn gazed awkwardly around the room. The room was decorated tranquilly and some soft, relaxing music was playing. Two massage tables were in the middle of the room.  
  
"What now?" the ranger asked, not sure what he should do next.  
  
Legolas put his hands on his hips. "What do you think?" he asked.  
  
Aragorn shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "Dunno," he replied. "Dance around in a yellow tutu," he teased.  
  
The elf rolled his eyes and suddenly two masseuses entered. Legolas beamed at them. "Please excuse my friend, he's never had a decent massage before, he might be a little jumpy."  
  
"Jumpy? Why would I be jumpy?" piped up the ranger, who was beginning to look more like a frightened rabbit rather than a brave, strong king of men.  
  
One of the masseuses gestured to the table bench bed things. In a matter of seconds, Legolas was lying comfortably on his stomach on one, shirt off.  
  
"I am not taking my clothes off," squeaked Aragorn, hugging his own clothes as close as possible.  
  
"Don't be a baby Aragorn, just take of your shirt and pants and lie down on the table." Said Legolas.  
  
"My pants?!" replied Aragorn.  
  
Legolas let go another exasperated sigh. "Yes, you'll still have your boxers, just lie down and shut up, you're giving me a headache."  
  
Aragorn gulped nervously and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. He took as much time folding it and putting on the bench as possible before he threw off his jeans with the grass stains on the knees and chucked them on top of the shirt. He timidly shuffled over and climbed up on the bed table thing. There he sat, cross-legged, waiting for the next instruction from Legolas. However, the elf wasn't paying much attention at the moment, sighing contentedly as the masseuse rubbed massage oil on his back.  
  
"Lego?" Aragorn squeaked.  
  
"Mmm hmm?" came the reply.  
  
"What now?"  
  
"Lie down on the table you idiot," the elf said crossly. "And don't talk to me for the next hour and a half,"  
  
"But,"  
  
"Shut up Estel," interrupted the elf again.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~***~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
So while the elf was relaxing and the ranger was rocking backwards and forwards in nervousness, the rest of the fellowship was having a wonderful time playing paintball.  
  
More on that later  
  
TBC  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~  
  
AN/ nice long chappie for everyone. And yes, I have had a massage before; I think I was more like Aragorn. XP  
  
Hehe, it wasn't so bad, but enough on my massage experiences. Hope this chapter passed everybody's criteria. oh how nice Leggie is without a shirt. *Grins happily* mmmmmmmmm *sigh*.  
  
Don't forget to read and review. Love Lamoo 


	5. paintball, puking pirates and pedicures

AN/ sorry this one also took so long. As of late I haven't really been in the mood or the right frame of mind for fan fiction writing. Was rather strange. I only hope I'm not growing out of my ff obsession. Nah, never.  
  
Anyway, thanks all for being so patient. So, without bothering you with my inane babble, here is chapter five. The exit is located at the front and rear of the aircraft, life jackets are under your seats, replies to reviews are situated at the end of this chapter and the stewardesses shall be coming around soon to distribute pillows, headphones and little packets of peanuts. The extra long chapter will begin to taxi along the runway before takeoff where we will be soaring to an altitude of over 3000 words.  
  
Disclaimer: Lamoo is getting really sick of writing these seeing as how a vaguely normal person might be able to figure out that nothing in these fics belongs to the high and mighty Lamoo. Apart from Percy the parsnip, Legolas's massage oil (which smells yummy), the ideas in this fic, and crazy insane Lamoo herself.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Gimli grunted, blue paint exploding in his face. The dwarf coughed, growled before firing paint at the retreating back of Gandalf, the wizard snickering into his hand. That was until purple splattered all over his back.  
  
"Meanie," muttered Gandalf, reloading his paint pistol. He fired around like a crazed lunatic, hitting everything, from walls, roof, floor as well as other people.  
  
"It's ok Sam," whispered Frodo from his cover over behind a very large man wearing a polka dot bandanna. "I don't think Gandalf can see us here."  
  
"Maybe Mr Legolas was right, maybe we should have gone shopping instead of this." Replied Sam. He sighed and aimed his pistol at Gimli, who was looking very vulnerable, his tail in the air, him bending over to pick up a ten-cent coin that was gleaming dully on the ground. The hobbits giggled and fired, Gimli leaping with a yelp when a blob of mustard colored paint hit him on the rear end.  
  
"Hehe," giggled Frodo. "That paint looks like mustard." He commented, reloading his pistol.  
  
"I know. Cool isn't it," replied Sam. "it came from that little yellow bottle that was sitting on the counter of the snack bar."  
  
"What did?" asked Frodo. "That paint?"  
  
Sam nodded and Frodo smacked his forehead with his hand. "Sam, that was mustard,"  
  
"Oh," was the only reply Sam could come up with.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was relaxing, sighing in contentment as his back was rubbed with yummy smelling massage oils.  
  
"Lego," murmured Aragorn.  
  
"What," replied the elf in a harsh tone.  
  
"This feels weird," the ranger replied as the masseuse rubbed one of his feet, not daring yet to move on to rub Aragorn's back. Which, unlike Legolas's, was rather hairy.  
  
"Get over it. Enjoy it," remarked the elf, a smile plastered on his face. It was almost identical to that on the face of the masseuse massaging him. Raven Demon giggled and set about massaging the elf's shoulders.  
  
She of course, did not mind massaging the elf one bit. But felt a little sorry for her companion and fellow masseuse, Sugaricing. Raven Demon made a mental note to let Sugaricing have a turn giving 'Leggie' a massage later. But then again, she thought to herself, there may well be a massive line of girls, maybe a few guys too, waiting outside to rub Lego's back. She snickered, causing the elf to look over his shoulder at her, arching an eyebrow.  
  
Aragorn squeaked when Sugaricing touched a particularly ticklish bit of his foot.  
  
"Stay still please," she said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Just give him some tranquilizer and he should settle right down," murmured Legolas, half asleep.  
  
"Tranquilizer?" stuttered Aragorn nervously.  
  
"May I?" said Kawaii elf girl, popping her head through the door, brandishing a large gun.  
  
"Only if you promise not to shoot him, only put him out for a while," replied Raven Demon. "I need him for my fan fictions, and so does everyone else."  
  
"Good point," said Kawaii elf girl. "I reckon fanfiction.net would go to ruin if I killed Aragorn. However, all those Aragorn fan girls don't need to know that we're about to do, so, again, may I?"  
  
"Go for it," muttered Legolas.  
  
Kawaii elf girl grinned and promptly shot Aragorn with her gun, which was loaded with a tranquilizer dart. The ranger wrinkled his nose, opened his mouth to say something. But he didn't get a chance, leisurely slumping onto the bed table thing.  
  
"All done," said Kawaii elf girl. "I'm off to organize the fellowship's holiday."  
  
"How come you get to?" asked Sugaricing.  
  
"Because you get to shave Aragorn's back." Replied elf girl.  
  
"Eew," chorused the three girls and Legolas.  
  
"Wonderful," muttered Sugaricing as she pushed the unconscious Aragorn onto the massage table bed thing. She then strode over to a set of drawers and rummaged around before she found what she was looking for. Leg wax and those little bits of fabric you stick to the wax.  
  
"Ooh, this looks fun," giggled Raven Demon as Sugaricing rolled Aragorn over onto his stomach so she could slop the wax all over his hairy back.  
  
"Make sure you leave me one of those to pull off," Raven added, mentioning one of the cloth strips Sugaricing was sticking to the ranger's back.  
  
"One for me too." Piped up the elf. "I find the idea of causing Aragorn pain to be quite amusing. Especially since he's never waxed anything before it should hurt." The elf laughed evilly, causing the pair of masseuses to exchange worried glances.  
  
Sugar promised she'd leave two of the cloth strips stuck to the ranger's back for Legolas and Raven Demon to pull off. She then set about tearing some of them off Aragorn's hairy back.  
  
"You know," Sugaricing mused. "You could make a rope out of this," she added, showing Raven Demon the amount of hair stuck to the newly ripped cloth.  
  
Raven shook her head. "You have seen Pirates of the Caribbean far too many times."  
  
"Ahem," spoke up the elf. "Would you please stop talking and start rubbing my feet."  
  
"Certainly," replied Raven Demon, beaming.  
  
Sugaricing muttered something rude under her breath and pulled the next cloth strip off Aragorn's back with increased ferocity, causing the ranger to flinch, even though he was out cold.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Back at the paintball center, Frodo, Sam and Merry had abandoned their pistols. Instead of hitting people with paint pellets, they chose instead to hit the snack bar. Pippin was still outside, refusing to come in unless he could bring Percy the parsnip. Of course no one wanted a moldy vegetable inside, so they left Pip sitting in the car park, singing to the parsnip.  
  
"Sam," whined Merry. "Something tells me you might have something to do with the fact that there is no mustard left to put on my hotdog." The hobbit brandished the empty bottle.  
  
"Why would you think that I had something to do with that Mr Merry?" replied the other hobbit, trying as hard as possible to look innocent. But unfortunately, it was blowing up in his face and he was failing miserably.  
  
"Maybe because every person in this damn place has mustard squirted on their asses!" answered Merry crossly. "And I sort of get the impression, by the way your twitching and looking around nervously that you had something to so with it."  
  
"Hey, weren't Lamoo and her friends supposed to be coming?" said Frodo, changing the subject. Merry shrugged and took a bite from his hot dog, WITHOUT mustard. Sam also shrugged and flicked a sprinkle from his donut at a knot of girls sitting at a nearby table.  
  
One girl who had distinctly pointed ears and was sitting next to an aardvark turned around. "Hey, quit it little dude," she said, standing up and putting her hands on her hips to reveal dark colored breeches, knee high boots as well as a tattoo on her left arm that looked like a pirate tattoo. "Oh, hi, you must be the fat hobbit. Sam right?"  
  
Sam glowered and crossed his arms. "Humph," was all he said.  
  
"Don't worry about him, he just doesn't like being called fat," said Merry, hopping down off his seat and greeting the girl and her aardvark. "I'm Merry and this is Frodo." He said, introducing himself then the other remaining Hobbit.  
  
"I'm Robyn," said the pirate looking elf girl.  
  
"I knew I've seen you somewhere before," exclaimed Merry. The others raised eyebrows in question. Merry sighed. "Pip and I were going through some of the stuff in Legolas's room the other day and we found some of his old school pictures. The days where he didn't have, so called 'perfect' skin." Merry giggled. "Poor dude had acne everywhere."  
  
"Good thing he isn't here to hear you say that. He'd thump you." Muttered Frodo.  
  
"Anyway," pressed on Merry loudly. "There were pictures from Lego's year twelve formal,"  
  
"Eh?" remarked Frodo.  
  
"I think it's also called a prom in the US of A." replied Merry. "And Legolas has a habit of writing scrutinizing detailed descriptions of the photos on the back of the pictures. There was this one where he was looking extremely drunk, feeding his date pizza with chopsticks. Later he must have written on the back, 'me and Robyn sharing Italian cuisine'. As soon as I saw you and you told us who you were I recognized you as the girl in the photo."  
  
"I wonder if he'll remember me," remarked Robyn. "I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't, we went to school a few decent hundred years back."  
  
"Wow, that was a long time ago," commented Sam dreamily. "I never even finished third grade." He added, not focusing entirely on what was being said.  
  
The other hobbits gaped open mouthed at Sam, who blushed furiously then ran to hide in the bathrooms.  
  
"Ignore him," murmured Frodo.  
  
"Already taken care of," replied Robyn. "Anyway, what's Lego up to these days?"  
  
"I honestly couldn't tell you." Replied Merry with a shrug. "But he doesn't have pimples any more," he added with a snicker. "He's gone shopping with Aragorn."  
  
"Oh yea, I know him." Answered Robyn. "I met him once at a BBQ in Rivendell. He smells rather weird. I can't tell why that Arwen chick married him."  
  
"Since when has Aragorn been married?" wondered Merry, earning himself a smack in the head from Frodo.  
  
"We went to his wedding you idiot. Remember? And then Arwen attempted to kill him so they separated. Well, he moved out to be more specific. Then Arwen went on a hurting people spree. She started with Glorfindel. Poor guy's never been the same since." Said Frodo, shaking his head sadly. "So yea, he and Lego have gone shopping."  
  
"He and Lego?" repeated Robyn. "As in Legolas and him?" the hobbits nodded. Robyn continued. "Together?" the hobbits nodded some more and the pirate elf shuddered.  
  
Then Frodo seemed to catch at what she was hinting at. "Oh, no, not like that." He remarked. "He'd hurt you severely if you suggested such a thing."  
  
Robyn sighed with relief. "Good." She proclaimed. "Now I have a chance of getting a kiss from him."  
  
"I wouldn't try it," advised Merry. "Pip did once and the crazy elf broke three of Pip's ribs, pip's collar bone, his wrist as well as several toes and fingers on top of a dislocated knee and giving poor Pip a very sore, erm."  
  
"Erm?" repeated Robyn.  
  
"Lego is very skilled at kneeing other people where no male should ever be kicked." Said Frodo sadly, shaking his head. "Pip was talking in a high pitched voice for weeks."  
  
Despite what had happened to Pippin, Robyn couldn't help but snicker. "Speaking of Pippin, where is he? Did Legolas put him in hospital?"  
  
"Oh yes," replied Merry. "Pip had several broken bones and was in plaster for a month and a bit. But that happened ages ago. We hobbit all stay well away from Legolas now. But I did think Pip and I were going to receive the same treatment the afternoon after we accidentally crashed Legolas's new red Ferrari. But Pippin is sitting in the car park talking to Percy."  
  
"Who's Percy?" Robyn wondered.  
  
"Pippin's pet the parsnip. Percy the Parsnip." Replied Frodo  
  
Before Robyn could reply, two men entered the snack bar area. One of them was staggering about, as if very drunk, the other walking somewhat normally. Both however, were drenched and the second bloke was not wearing an expression of enjoyment.  
  
"Will?" said Robyn grinning and waving to the guy who was looking less than happy with his predicament.  
  
"Meh," was the only reply the elf pirate received.  
  
Jack however, completely drunk, was wearing a blissful smile. "Good morrow fair maiden."  
  
Will promptly slapped his companion. Jack giggled. "I don't think I deserved that."  
  
"Shut up you idiot," replied Will, slapping Jack again. Jack suddenly went rather green and proceeded to rush into the men's room. The sounds that were heard by all outside were those of someone who is heaving violently into the loo bowl.  
  
"Poor Jack." Sympathized Robyn. "I haven't seen him that pissed since that adventure we had on the high seas a few years ago. Just before the whole crew was about to chuck him overboard cos he kept puking everywhere."  
  
"You're bordering on entering the realm of too much information," replied Will. "I think I should go and make sure he's not pretending to puke and writing obscene things on the toilet walls instead." So Will made his way into the men's room.  
  
"Hobbits!" called Gimli's voice, as if he were calling a bunch of dogs. "Time to go. Come on hobbits."  
  
"Sorry, that's Gimli," Merry said to Robyn. "We have to go. But you can come around anytime, I'm sure Legolas will be pleased to see you, even if Aragorn isn't."  
  
"Bye," chorused Frodo and Sam, who had just emerged out of the bathroom.  
  
"Toodles," replied Robyn.  
  
The hobbits left, following Gandalf and Gimli through the front doors.  
  
Outside, Pippin was sitting on the roof of the car, rocking Percy the parsnip back and forth.  
  
"Get down Pippin," said Frodo in an exasperated tone. "You can take Pansy,"  
  
"It's Percy, not Pansy," replied Pip indignantly. "But ok," he added, climbing down off the roof of Gandalf's van and sliding into the back seat once Gimli opened the doors.  
  
"Everybody in," commanded the dwarf. Everyone scrambled into the van and Gimli slammed the doors closed before hopping into the drivers seat. Gandalf was toying with the car air freshener and humming the theme music from the Simpson's, much to the annoyance of all others in the vehicle.  
  
Gimli piled up the cushions and sat on top, so that he could actually see over the wheel a little, and turned on the radio. But, like before, when the fellowship made their little excursion to the mall to buy the materials for their costumes, it only would play the classical music stations.  
  
Gimli grumbled for a while as he wrestled with his seat belt before switching off the radio all together. He started the van and it roared to life, making the hobbits in the back seat jump. Pippin was startled, accidentally throwing Percy upwards, the moldy vegetable sticking to the roof.  
  
"Bumbling idiot," muttered Frodo.  
  
"Speaking of bumbling Idiots, how come Lamoo and her cronies were no shows?" wondered Gandalf.  
  
All of a sudden, as the van was pulling out of the driveway, a hot pink double Decker bus with lime green and purple painted flowers on the side came swerving around the curb. Lamoo was at the wheel, waving to everyone the bus passed. Mr Bean, Nellie, Laura and Anelith were all hanging out of the windows, waving and throwing cotton buds at people innocently walking along.  
  
The strange bus pulled up and Lamoo and her friends leapt out and ran up to the hippie van.  
  
"Sorry we're late," said Lamoo. "The bus wouldn't start so we had to teach Ryan to fix buses."  
  
"And he failed miserable at first," added Nellie helpfully. "But Laura had a book about do it yourself bus repairs. So we gave Mr Bean a crash course in bus repair."  
  
"And now I'm a fully qualified mechanic," commented Mr Bean, in a less than pleased tone of voice. "And now we cant play paint ball anymore," he said in the same tone of voice. "How sad, back on the bus," he added, siding back over to the pink bus and stepping aboard.  
  
"Ignore him," said Anelith. "He's still mad at Lamoo cos she forced him to dance with Arwen at the party."  
  
"Ah, I see," replied Gimli. All of a sudden he revved the engine and drove off, leaving Lamoo, Laura, Anelith and Nellie standing in the middle of the road.  
  
"Meanie beanie," muttered Nellie.  
  
"Let's go play paintball anyway," suggested Laura. Everyone agreed. Even though Mr Bean sort of had to be dragged forcefully off the bus, the girls wearing expressions cross between amusement and annoyance. .  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"My back hurts," muttered Aragorn groggily. Sugaricing shushed him loudly and finished the ranger's massage. Legolas meanwhile, was sound asleep.  
  
Aragorn sighed happily. He was really beginning to see why Legolas tried to go for a massage once a week. It was very relaxing. The ranger smiled and rested his head on his arms before closing his own eyes.  
  
The pair was awoken a little later. Aragorn awoke grumbling, annoyed that his snooze had been destroyed. Legolas though was perfectly cheerful and laid-back.  
  
"Thankyou very much ladies," he said to Raven Demon and Sugaricing. "Wasn't as bad as you thought it would be was it?" he said to Aragorn, who shook his head sheepishly.  
  
"No, it was very nice," the ranger replied.  
  
"That's good. Now it's time for our facial then our manicure." Declared Legolas.  
  
Aragorn's smile fell. "Do we have to?" he whined like a child. Legolas put on his most serious expression and nodded. Aragorn sighed in defeat. "Fine." He huffed, pulling his shirt over his head.  
  
"And then, we'll go and get our hair done."  
  
"Fabulous," muttered the ranger, sarcasm evident in his voice. Legolas pretended not to hear, happily conversing with Sugaricing about the holiday he won that morning.  
  
"Where would you recommend?" the elf asked.  
  
Sugaricing shrugged. "I don't know. You could go skiing. Or go to a theme park."  
  
"Maybe," replied Legolas before he and Aragorn were ushered out of the room to have their facials.  
  
Once they were lying down in a separate room, two ladies came to apply the avocado mud mask and little cucumber bits. "I hate cucumber," complained Aragorn as two little slices of cucumber were placed over his eyes.  
  
"You're not supposed to be eating it," replied the elf just as Aragorn was about to pop one of the cucumber pieces into his mouth.  
  
"Who said I was eating it?" said the ranger, hastily placing the cucumber back over his left eye. "I merely said I didn't like it."  
  
Legolas sighed. "If you don't be quiet I shall have you either tied to the chair or tranquilized again."  
  
"Tranquilized? Again?!"  
  
The elf nodded but did not speak again until it was time for him and Aragorn to wash the mud masks off. After Legolas had cleansed and toned, and Aragorn had had his head dunked in a bowl of disinfectant ("it's clog your pores, but a good idea none the less," Legolas had said at the time,) the pair moved on to have their manicures, their skin glowing healthily.  
  
"You are such a prissy Lego," commented Aragorn as a lady with very tall red hair filed his own nails.  
  
Legolas glared, narrowing his eyes. "I would thump you until you're black and blue if Gertrude here was not busy pushing back my cuticles."  
  
"Sure you would," teased Aragorn, causing Legolas to go scarlet, his hair was still the same colour.  
  
"Ok, dip your fingers in the water please," spoke up the lady who was doing Aragorn's nails.  
  
"Eek, no way. I saw that loony tunes episode. There's mousetraps in there, I just know it," he replied, eyeing the bowl of water on the tabletop.  
  
"Aragorn, I can guarantee that there will be no mousetraps, rat traps, possum traps, cockroach traps or anything else that might hurt you in that water." Remarked the elf. "I am not paying for you're massage, facial and manicure if you persist in being an idiot."  
  
The ranger sighed and muttered something rude under his breath directed at the elf. Either Legolas did not hear, or pretended not to. "Fine." He sighed, overcome. Hesitantly he did dip his fingertips in the water.  
  
Of course, as Legolas had promised, there were no mousetraps in the water. There was however a piranha fish. As soon as the ranger lowered his fingers, the little fish took a huge chomp, causing the ranger to leap three feet in the air at the unexpected pain.  
  
"Gerroff! Gerroff! Gerroff!" he shrieked, waving his hands around, the piranha clamped on the end of his thumb.  
  
Legolas snickered but hopped up to help his friend detach the fish. "I hope you don't do that to all your customers," he said matter of factly, amusement making his azure eyes sparkle in glee. At last Aragorn was left sucking his throbbing and bleeding thumb, Legolas was trying very hard to disguise an amused smile while the two ladies who'd been manicuring their fingernails were fussing about, trying to make sure there was no way Aragorn could sue the salon.  
  
"I think perhaps we should skip the hair today and just go home. We have got a holiday to plan after all." Legolas proposed. Aragorn nodded gratefully. Legolas payed for their treatments and he and Aragorn wandered back to the car, the ranger still sucking his aching thumb.  
  
Legolas clicked the button on his keys that would unlock the cars central locking only to round the corner to discover the car was not where he had parked it.  
  
"Oh carp," muttered Aragorn in disbelief as Legolas strode up to the spot where once had stood a gleaming brand new silver Porsche.  
  
"Where is it? Where is the precious?" whimpered the elf. "We needs it, where is it? Where is the precious?" he rounded on Aragorn. "Does the ranger know what happened to poor Legolas's precious?"  
  
"Oh no, not you as well." Exclaimed Aragorn, assuming that Legolas was talking about some random piece of jewellery.  
  
"You idiot! Where is the car!" barked the elf, changing moods very abruptly.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
TBC  
  
AN/ mwa haa haa! More car troubles for Leggie. *Sigh* when will it end? And now there's a holiday thrown into the jumble! Hope everyone enjoyed this new chapter, which was longer than usual by my regular standards.  
  
Ok, as I promised, time for reviews. Thankyou all so so much. All your wonderful reviews make me all happy and fuzzy inside and provide the enticement for me to write another chapter as soon as possible. Here we go. be warned, this may take a while.  
  
Inweofnargothrond: actually, now that you mention it, I've never eaten a parsnip either. Just thought the word 'parsnip' was funky. Hehe. I've only ever had an 'at home' facial. I tried to do it myself and got the mud mask stuff in my eyes and spent the next half hour trying to make my eyes stop stinging. ROTK trailer online! I downloaded it the other day, but I cant remember where I saved it to. *grumbles*. and no wonder you've never heard about Ned Kelly. makes up for how much everyone here knows about some bloody dead bushranger dude. But Orli makes it all worthwhile. I entered a comp to win tickets to the world premiere of Ned Kelly in Melbourne in March, but some other stupid person went instead. And Orlando wasn't even there! *Cackle* ROTK will be WAY better though. Maybe even better than Pirates of the Caribbean. And just for the books, I've never played paintball either. which definitely made things interesting while I was trying to write about it. Hehe. Anywho, thankies for the reviews, I'll read your new chapter as soon as I've finished this. Ta ta  
  
Mr Bean: ah, here we go again. Wrote about Lego with no shirt on just to provoke you. *Snicker* also partly for my own personal sugar induced imagination. *Cackle* mwa haa. Glad you thought the last chappie was somewhat readable despite Legolas's shirtlessness. Hehe. This one MIGHT have been a little better, but I seriously doubt it. Mwa haa haa! So, thankyou again, for sticking with me.  
  
Luna-lovegood-fan: I shall continue if that is what you ask of me. Hehe. Hope that chapter passed your inspection and made you laugh. my sincerest apologies if it was somewhat dry and lame. *shrug* ta ta  
  
Tegan: yay. You are yet another loyal reviewer who has stuck with me from the beginning. Took you a while to catch up, but now that you have, no excuses. Hehe. Hope you enjoyed this chappie.  
  
Banx: you liked Pippin's friend Percy I gather. Hehe. Will definitely be a large part for Percy in this fic. Hehe. I hate slashy fics, they are rather wrong. despite however well written they may be. Ooh, Johnny Depp, moving right off the topic of slash fics, *drool* ooh, I saw Chocolat today and it was wonderful. He had this REALLY cute Irish-ish accent and had long hair. *Giggles* cute. Haldir. also cute. No, no, I didn't make a 'fat joke' as you said. I love Haldir almost as much as I love Leggie. Why would I insult him?! *Sniffs* perhaps I was 'drunk' *cough cough* when I wrote that. hehe. Sorry if I offended everyone's darlin' Haldir.  
  
Elfchick123: *giggles* I love to giggle. Hope this chapter passed your ruthless inspection. If not. tough cookies. *Snicker*  
  
Kawaii elf girl: yes! I'm back! And I did LOVE the paintball idea. Just one teensy problem, I never played it before so I may have had to fudge a little bit. Hehe, sorry if I stuffed up. Manicure? Weird? Nooooo. Lego and his manicure. lovely. Why not? Haven't you ever wondered how come he has such nice hands whereas Aragorn always has dirty nails and Frodo's are ghastly? And I'm sure Lego would remember you. He is an elf after all and remembers lots of stuff. except our anniversary *sniffs* hehe. And who says I wont let you show up at some time or another. Hehe. Besides, it might be quite entertaining if Legolas suddenly had needed to see a therapist. Hehe.  
  
Lolly: *blushes* thankyou chum. ( French test. *shudder* well, I wouldn't know seeing as how I have never studied French. oh well *shrug* one thing that is nice however, is Lego with no shirt. *giggles* has anyone noticed I have been giggling a lot lately? Oh well. *Giggles* and when did I say that Leggie was gay? ARAGORN suggested that he could be. shame on you Estel. shame. I do have to agree that Sam is rather. Rosie was just a cover up. *Snicker*  
  
Legolas Stalker: oh no! Don't take Will! I needed him for this chapter! Hehe, you can have him back after though. I'm sure he'll be happy to go with you. *Cackles and prods Will with a pointy stick* glad I managed to cheer you up a bit on your sucky day. Everyone gets a sucky day once in a while and I'm glad I managed to make yours a little bit 'un-suckier' hehe. And how come boys suck monkey butts? Actually, hold that. I agree. GUYS however, such as a few particular elves and a pair of pirates are very 'nice' *giggles* anyway, hope that chappie made you have a good giggle. Bai for now.  
  
Robyn the Pirate: actually no, the pink box was not your pink hobbit, that was Will and Jack's previous ship. Now they need to get a new one. Hehe. Don't worry; I will personally hire Leggie to shoot both those naughty pirates should anything happen to your ship. shoot them softly of course. Hehe. Hope you liked your Cameo in that chapter. Norman is yet to make an appearance, but don't worry, he will. Hehe, WILL, hehe.  
  
Raven Demon: I like shopping, shopping is nice. Hehe. well, actually as long as you're not shopping for school stuff or socks. Wondering who the Mary sue person at the vacuum cleaner store is? Well, actually, I haven't decided, so she shall remain a mystery for now. but interesting. very interesting. *cough cough* not. Anyway, sorry this update took so long. To make up for it, I hope you liked your Cameo. Legolas's back. mmm. Ooh, also, love your suggestion, thankyou veddy veddy much. now I have to think. oh dear. I hate thinking, makes my brain hurt.  
  
Aelimir: thanks heaps for those title suggestions, mine were blatantly pathetic. I like Haldir and the pool pirates. Hehe. now I have to choose. Will get back to everyone on that matter. Glad you like the vacation idea. I know people have the fellowship going on holidays heaps, but I loved the idea and plan to make mine VERY different. Hehe. Thanks again for the wonderfully wonderful reviews.  
  
Marissa03: *chants* UPDATE YOUR FIC! UPDATE YOUR FIC! Please? Hehe. Anyway, thanks heaps for your reviews, they make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. ( I'll keep you posted with the title dilemma. Hehe. Hope this chapter was somewhat decent ;)  
  
If I left anyone out, you have my permission to send me a review telling me. Hehe.  
  
See everyone next chapter, Don't forget to review! Love Lamoo 


	6. Dude where's my car?

AN/ another chappie! Yay! All hail me! Hehe. Ok, before I begin, I have a few things to say. as usual. Reviews will be answered at the end, I don't own any of this crap, but more importantly, this will probably be the last update until December. Why you ask? How could Lamoo possibly neglect her fics for a whole month? Well, NaNoWriMo starts November 1st and runs for the whole month of November. So, I'll be more than busy trying to write 50 000 words in that month I doubt I'll have the time for the inspiration to write fanfiction for you guys. I am terribly sorry, but rest assured that there will be plenty of new stuff once November is over.  
  
Disclaimer: Lamoo has suddenly realised what a dull activity it is writing disclaimers. She wishes she didn't have to but feels it is her duty to remind everyone out there in fanfiction land, that none of Mr Tolkien's characters belong to her. She also wishes to remind everyone that neither the loyal reviewers who feature in this fic, nor the pair of lovely pirates belong in her possession either. But Lamoo is very happy when she declares that Legolas's car, Pippin's friend Percy as well as the other insane nonsense in this story occasionally like to visit her house, thus giving their permission to be featured in this silly story. Have a nice day and please ignore future disclaimers that state that Lamoo is an evil chipmunk and rules the world. This is not so. She is in fact and evil gold fish who rules the world *cough cough*.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter Six!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue, Percy made more appearances, we caught a glimpse of Lamoo's magic weirdo bus, Aragorn got bitten by a piranha and Legolas is wondering "dude, where's my car?!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Dude, where is it!" Legolas asked in a panicked tone of voice.  
  
"How should I know?" replied Aragorn with a shrug. "Why do you always blame me when something goes wrong?"  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "I blame you because it's usually your fault!" he barked  
  
"Maybe your car has just been towed cos you parked it in a no parking zone," suggested the ranger.  
  
The elf shook his head. "Would never happen. I never park in idiotic places like you do."  
  
"Maybe you just parked it somewhere else and forgot,"  
  
Again, the elf shook his head. "I am an elf Aragorn, I don't forget stuff as easily as mortals do."  
  
"Could have fooled me," Aragorn muttered under his breath. Legolas glared and the ranger smiled sheepishly before he suggested another option. "Maybe Lamoo came and borrowed it while we were getting our massages?"  
  
"That might be a possibility," began Legolas with a despairing nod. "But thankfully she didn't, because she and her cronies are off playing paintball with the others."  
  
"I see," remarked Aragorn. He paused for a moment. "I still think you forgot where you parked the car," he muttered. Legolas heard and turned around to face his companion, punching Aragorn in the nose. "Oww, wa os at for?" Aragorn asked, clutching at his nose, which was now bleeding quite heavily.  
  
"For being an idiot," replied the elf coolly.  
  
"Ok," said the ranger, defeated. "Still hurt." He added, rummaging around in his pockets for a tissue to stem the blood flow.  
  
"It was supposed to hurt," commented Legolas.  
  
"Whatever," muttered Aragorn. Then, suddenly, Aragorn noticed a silver Porsche parked a few car spaces down. "Uh, Lego, your car is over there,"  
  
"What!?" came the reply as the elf leapt from where he'd been sitting on the edge of the walkway.  
  
"Over there," replied Aragorn, pointing at the car in question with one hand, holding a tissue to his nose with the other.  
  
Legolas ran up to it and started inspecting the car. Of course, one would only have to look at the number plate and the bumper stickers to see that the car plainly belonged to an elven prince of Mirkwood.  
  
"Told you." Said the ranger triumphantly.  
  
Legolas narrowed his eyes. "Do you want me to give you a broken jaw to match your nose?"  
  
Aragorn shook his head. ~Ha! I knew he'd forgotten, ~ he thought to himself, grinning.  
  
"What's so funny?" Legolas wanted to know as he unlocked the car.  
  
"Nothing," replied the ranger, sliding into his seat, his nose still bleeding.  
  
"That's what I thought," said the elf as he revved the engine to life. "Let's go. We have a holiday to plan."  
  
For the elf and the ranger, the drive home was fairly normal by Legolas's usual standards. He only drove onto the wrong side of the road once and managed to avoid hitting anything. Soon, the silver Porsche pulled up in the driveway of the fellowship's house.  
  
It appeared that the rest of the fellowship had arrived home some time earlier for there were blue, yellow and orange footprints all over the front porch. Frodo had left the door open, as usual, so Legolas and Aragorn strolled in, Legolas acting like he had never almost lost his car. Aragorn was carrying all the bags of shopping while Legolas just had a few holiday brochures in his left hand. And yes, the ranger's nose had eventually stopped bleeding.  
  
"We're baaaack," Legolas called out in a singsong voice.  
  
The hobbits scampered out into the kitchen, hoping Legolas had bought them food like he usually did on one of his shopping trips. Gandalf followed, wanting to see if any of the clothes Legolas had probably bought would fit him. And Gimli tagged along as well, just for the hell of it.  
  
"Did you get us anything?" Merry wanted to know.  
  
Legolas sighed and rummaged through one of the bags that Aragorn had gladly dumped on the kitchen table. After a few minutes of searching, Legolas found what he's been looking for.  
  
"There you go," he said brightly, tossing each of the hobbits something, the elf's bad mood forgotten.  
  
Pippin beamed and held up the bunch of bananas Legolas got for him for everyone to see whilst Merry hoed in immediately to the packet of chicken flavoured rice crackers.  
  
"Easily amused aren't they," mused Aragorn as Sam and Frodo compared their own items, Frodo's a tin of instant coffee and Sam's bottle of vinegar.  
  
"What about me?" Gandalf asked, hands on hips.  
  
"What about you?" Legolas wanted to know. "Oh, yea, I did get you something."  
  
Gandalf beamed with glee whilst Legolas again rummaged through another bag. "Ah ha!" cried the elf when he found Gandalf's gift. The wizard grinned with delight when Legolas bestowed upon him an orange frilly shower cap, which was the same colour as the tie the elf prince gifted the wizard with.  
  
"I take by your delighted expression you like the tie," commented Legolas. Gandalf nodded and thrust the shower cap over his head and pulled the tie around his neck.  
  
"You really should discourage him from wearing those sort of things," Gimli commented, hoping that Legolas had bought something for him too.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "In my opinion, the worse he looks, the less the rest of us have to worry about how bad we appear. And yes, I did get you something, but you only get it if you stop making that ridiculous expression." Again, the elf rummaged around unnecessarily before he found the pair of musical socks with potatoes embroidered all over them and the extra large bottle of two in one shampoo and conditioner. "And I expect the shampoo to be actually USED, not eaten."  
  
"What evidence is there to suggest that I eat shampoo?!" cried Gimli, highly offended.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "A few weeks ago, Sam made stir fry something, and you heaped my shampoo all over the top of it then proceeded to eat the food, AND the shampoo."  
  
"That was Gandalf." Remarked Aragorn. "Gimli was eating the dental floss."  
  
"Oh." Replied the elf. "Sorry, my mistake. Yo can still keep the shampoo Gimli. You're hair would look lovely if it wasn't so." the elf paused, looking for a suitable word to use.  
  
"Frizzy?" suggested Merry. "How about disgusting? Repulsive? Filthy?"  
  
"All of those." Replied the elf. Gimli's lower lip trembled and for a moment everyone thought he was about to burst into tears. "I'm only being honest Gimli," Legolas explained, trying not to snicker. "All your hair needs is a wash once in a while," he said, eyeing Gimli's split ends and filthy locks before moving on. "And perhaps a cut."  
  
Gimli smiled, happy that all Legolas thought was wrong with his beard was that it was dirty and in dire need of a cut. But Legolas of course, could think of nothing more repulsive than Gimli's greasy, grimy hair and his beard, split ends, complete with morsels of food stuck there for over a month.  
  
There was an awkward silence in the kitchen before Aragorn spoke. "Did you all have to put up with Lamoo?" he wondered.  
  
The hobbits shook their heads gleefully and explained that Lamoo and her friends had been late and had stayed at the paintball centre to have a game or two to make up for the time they missed.  
  
Pippin thrust Percy the Parsnip under Aragorn's nose all of a sudden. The ranger looked disgusted and shoved the mouldy vegetable away.  
  
Pippin scowled. "Don't be mean to Percy," he said, cradling the parsnip in his arms.  
  
Legolas grinned evilly. "Hey Estel," he began. "You know what I feel like for dinner tonight?"  
  
"What?" replied the ranger, having a fairly good guess at what Legolas was going at.  
  
"Parsnip soup," added the elf, rubbing his stomach.  
  
Pippin squeaked in protest and hugged Percy closer before he dashed off to his bedroom to sulk and find away to protect his beloved parsnip from the horrors of Legolas's cooking.  
  
The elf chucked as did the ranger and they both went their separate ways. Legolas took his shopping to his room where it was presumed he was trying to lot of it on. again. Aragorn meanwhile went into the lounge room and plonked down on the couch with the TV remote, changing the channels, looking for anything that might resemble something worth watching.  
  
Gimli shrugged and announced that he was going to wash his hair, much to the amazement of the other members of the fellowship. Merry trotted back to the room he shared with Pippin and tried to convince the other hobbits that Legolas was not going to put Percy the parsnip in a soup.  
  
Gandalf declared that he was going to clean the toilet with his new tie. Off he sauntered, not remembering in time that Gimli was trying to have a shower.  
  
Of course there was a lock on the bathroom door, Legolas had installed it to prevent unwanted visitors interrupting him when he was trying to have a long soak in the bath after a crazy day. But the last time Gimli had had a shower was at least six months ago, before Legolas had put the lock on the bathroom door. Thus, the dwarf did not think to lock to door. Instead he simply stripped off his clothes, creating very, very bad mental images for all the readers out there in fanfiction land, and hopped into the shower with his bottle of two in one shampoo and conditioner.  
  
So along came the ludicrous wizard, wearing his orange shower cap and matching tie, ready to clean the toilet for his own enjoyment. He casually opened the door and caught a glimpse of Gimli, nude.  
  
Lamoo wishes to inform readers that she will not even try to describe this scene as it may damage her permanently and evaporate the last of her remaining sanity. She would like to reassure readers that it was certainly not a pretty sight, so she will leave the interpretation of this scene up to the disturbed imaginations of loyal readers.  
  
Gandalf's ear splitting scream mingled with a cry of despair from Gimli could be heard four streets away.  
  
It wasn't long before Legolas stomped out of his room, no shirt on, halfway through trying on his new jeans, and barked at the dwarf and wizard to quieten down, move out or suffer his wrath. Lamoo would like to inform readers that even though Legolas is certainly a very beautiful elf, his wrath is not something one would like to experience often. Haldir and Boromir are the only two living people who had suffered Legolas's wrath and lived to tell the tale. Lamoo wishes to inform readers that previous little screaming fits Legolas may have had during the duration of this story and its prequel are nothing in comparison to the wrath of the blonde archer.  
  
The dwarf and the wizard yelped and ran away from the elf, Gimli trying to hold a towel around his waist to prevent Lamoo from barfing should she catch a glimpse of. anything. while writing this chapter. Gandalf skittered away and went to hide in the linen closet while Gimli took shelter underneath the kitchen table.  
  
The elf rolled his eyes and stomped back to his room.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam had taken Legolas's holiday brochures out into the lounge room and the pair of hobbits were lying on their stomachs on the floor reading them.  
  
"Aragorn," spoke up Frodo, trying to get the attention of the ranger parked on the couch who was thoroughly engrossed in a documentary about potato peelers. "Aragorn!" yelled Frodo once more.  
  
The ranger spun around to glare at the hobbits who had disturbed his TV watching. "What do you want?" he asked.  
  
"Why did Legolas get all these brochures?" Sam wanted to know, quite literally taking the words out of Frodo's mouth.  
  
Aragorn's mood changed and he climbed off the couch to join the hobbits on the floor, abandoning the potato peeler documentary. He sat cross-legged and grinned. "We're going on holidays." He said  
  
"All of us?" wondered Frodo.  
  
The ranger nodded. "Yep. Lego won a competition, and we're going on vacation!"  
  
"Where are we going?" Sam enquired.  
  
Aragorn shrugged. "No idea. It's up to Legolas." He explained. "But rest assured that he'll probably pick somewhere nice."  
  
"I'd like to go skiing," mused Frodo.  
  
The ranger winced and shook his head. "You know how much Merry and Pippin would protest." He said. "Its more trouble asking than it's worth. Besides, Legolas'll say he can't get a good tan in the snow."  
  
"The beach!" chorused both hobbits in unison.  
  
Aragorn smiled and nodded. "I hope so." He said. He was just about to suggest they go and ask the elf now when a mind blowing yelling match broke out. As usual, it sounded as though something had pissed the elf off and now he was screaming at the top of his lungs at the culprit/s.  
  
"Maybe we should ask him later," remarked Aragorn. Sam nodded in agreement but Frodo had an idea.  
  
"Maybe if we asked him now, he might suddenly drop his pissy mood and be somewhat civilised." Explained the hobbit. "Vacations make me happy, maybe they'll make Legolas forget that he ticked off at someone."  
  
Aragorn and Sam agreed that this was a better idea and all three off the made their way out of the lounge room, down the hall, and knocked on the elf's bedroom door.  
  
"Mani uma lle merna? (What do you want?)" Came the elf's voice through the door.  
  
Frodo and Sam didn't speak much elvish so they thought Legolas was swearing at them. Aragorn though, did understand.  
  
"Amin merna quen (I wish to speak,)" replied the ranger.  
  
There was a hollow laugh from behind Legolas's door. "Speak away," he said, this time in the common tongue.  
  
"May we come in?" Aragorn asked.  
  
The door opened and Legolas let the ranger and the three hobbits into his room. "What do you want?" he asked.  
  
"To ask you where you want to go on vacation," piped up Sam.  
  
Legolas's expression softened and a smile graced his fair face. He smiled but shrugged. "I have no idea," he remarked. "Any ideas?"  
  
"Well," began Frodo. "We were thinking that the beach would be nice."  
  
The elf nodded, deep in thought. Finally he spoke. "Sun, Sea and Sand, I like that idea."  
  
The hobbits and Aragorn grinned in triumph. Aragorn piped up again. "There are plenty of beaches around, let's go somewhere tropical and exotic."  
  
"The moon?" suggested Sam. His suggestion was declined as Frodo rolled his eyes and slapped his companion over the head. Sam frowned. "How about the sun, it's nice and warm."  
  
"And we'll frizzle you idiot!" exclaimed Frodo.  
  
Sam sniffed. "Fine then." He said. "What about Bali?" he said, reading out the first thing he saw in the brochure that Frodo had in his hand.  
  
Much to the surprise of the hobbits, the elf nodded as if seriously contemplating this possibility. "Why not," remarked the elf. "I've heard the shopping is great, and the beaches are wonderful. Bali it is. That is it none of you have any objections?"  
  
The hobbits and the ranger all shook their heads in unison. The elf beamed before he stood up to usher them out of the room. "Out, out," he said. "I have planning to do."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Well that certainly changed his mood," mused Frodo a few minutes later once he and Sam and Aragorn were all in the kitchen. Aragorn nodded as he rummaged in the fridge for a can of beer and Sam grunted in agreement through his mouthful of left over chocolate cake.  
  
"Bali," mused Sam. "where's that?"  
  
"Indonesia." Replied Aragorn, sighing with disappointment when he discovered there was no beer left.  
  
Frodo picked up the travel brochure. "Tropical, wonderful warm climate, culture and shopping."  
  
"Sounds fun." Remarked Sam. Frodo nodded in agreement while the ranger grumbled under his breath about the lack of beer.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
That evening, Legolas did the cooking, much to the dismay of Sam. Pippin meanwhile was terrified that Legolas would carry out his threat and put Percy in the soup.  
  
Thankfully, Legolas decided to make stir-fried something or other. He hummed to himself as he tossed the assorted vegetables and chopped up bits of chicken around the wok. The hobbits waited eagerly at the table for the elf to finish cooking, Sam perhaps less eager than the others after having being turfed from the kitchen by the elf who did not particularly want any help cooking from any hobbit, least of all Sam.  
  
Aragorn meanwhile tried to help Legolas by cooking some rice to go with the stir-fry. No body saw Legolas tip several chopped up chillies into the wok. The elf licked his lips; he was rather fond of chilli. He smiled evilly. He'd also like to see the reactions of Gimli and Merry to the massive amounts of chilli in the food. Aragorn probably wouldn't notice, and neither would Frodo probably.  
  
Legolas barked out an order to Gandalf, whom he was still not exactly pleased with, for the wizard to get the chopsticks out of the drawer.  
  
Unfortunately Legolas didn't remember that he and Aragorn were the only ones in the household who had ever actually seen a pair of chopsticks before, let alone ones who knew how to use them properly.  
  
"Mithrandir," called Legolas. "Get out the chopsticks please,"  
  
The elf's request was met by a bemused expression on Gandalf's part and an argument broke out between Frodo and Merry over what exactly a chopstick was.  
  
Legolas let go an frustrated sigh and thrust the thing he was stirring the stir fry with into Aragorn's hands, leaving the ranger in charge of the cooking, while he marched over to the drawers and rummaged through until he found several sets of miss-matched chopsticks. Only after a second thought did Legolas think that perhaps he should get forks in stead.  
  
"Forks?" he asked the hobbits tiredly.  
  
They all shook their heads, wanting to be like everyone else and use the choppies. The elf shrugged and handed Gandalf the chopsticks and went back to stirring the stir-fry.  
  
As is the nature of stirs fried chicken, it did not take very long for Legolas to finish up cooking. Just as he had served the food, as if on cue, there was a knock on the door.  
  
"I'll get it," remarked Aragorn, hopping up to answer the door.  
  
"Please let it be anyone but Haldir or Lamoo." Said Legolas to the ceiling fan.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
TBC  
  
AN/ yep, that's it. And again cos I am so lazy, I cant be bothered replying to reviews. I hope no body minds. I did receive them all, but it takes me way too long to reply to them all. And if it takes me ages, it takes me ages to finish this chapter, which means its ages before you guys get to read it.  
  
Sorry guys.  
  
Hehe Love Lamoo 


	7. Of Candlesticks and flamable tablecloths

AN/ did everyone miss me?! I hope I didn't leave you all hanging too long. To make up for that, here is an extra long chapter. (  
  
What can I say about the past month? Nano was hectic and because I slacked off at the beginning, I never got my 50 000 words. What I did do was improve my writing heaps and had a lot of fun. But that fun was nothing compared to writing this. I love this fic, always have, and always will. So as long as you guys keep wanting more, I shall write more.  
  
It's also about time I replied to some reviews. That shall be done at the end of the chapter so I don't have to hold you up when you want me to get on with things. Thankyou guys, we're fast approaching the total of 100 reviews for this fic.  
  
So, with no more dilly-dally, well, not much, here is chapter seven of TF&TEND, the adventures continue.  
  
Disclaimer: during November Lamoo had a long and hard think about the ownership of things in this fic. She now knows she is more than capable of making up her own characters, despite the fact that one of them usually resembles Legolas or Aragorn. She is ready to accept that none of the characters in this fic belong to her, except herself of course. All reviewers own themselves and Mr Tolkien owns Haldir and the fellowship. The POTC people own Jack Sparrow and Will Turner, even though darlin Will is still being held captive by everyone's friend, Legolas Stalker, otherwise known as Laura. The ideas in this fic however, do belong to Lamoo to some extent. She is ashamed to admit that the party idea in the 1st TF&TEND wasn't very original, but now that things are beginning to become more creative, she wishes to inform everyone that if they steal her ideas, she will come after them with a paintball gun and a mop with Percy the parsnip wielding a rusty rapier to clean up the mess. Thankyou for your time and thankyou for being bored enough to actually read Lamoo's weird disclaimer.  
  
Right, on with the show!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 7  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Previously in TF&TEND, the adventures continue, Legolas found his car, all the reviewer's were permanently scared by the mental image of Gimli nude and it was decided that the vacation soon to be taken, would be to the tropical and wonderful island of Bali. The hobbits declared that they were perfectly capable of using chopsticks and someone rung the doorbell. Just in case it was someone whom the elf was not really looking forward to seeing, Legolas had a sharp knife ready to kill himself.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Aragorn rose to his feet to answer the door and Legolas suddenly strode over to the dishwasher. As if on impulse, pulled out a very sharp knife and held it in his hand.  
  
"What are you doin with that knife Lego?" asked Lamoo as she entered the kitchen, Aragorn behind her.  
  
The elf rolled his eyes and slammed the sharp implement down on the bench. He calmly walked over to the panty and reached up onto the top shelf for something. They jar of happy pills came down once more and the elf tipped the entire contents of the jar into his mouth and washed the lot down with a swig of beer that was in the can in Aragorn's hand.  
  
"Better." He remarked, sitting down again at the table.  
  
"Ooh! Food!" exclaimed Lamoo. "I want some!" she added, pulling Gimli's dinner away from him and starting to dig into it herself.  
  
Pippin thrust a pair of chopsticks at her, almost poking her eyes out with them. Lamoo shrugged and ate with the chopsticks, skewering assorted bits of food on the end instead of grabbing the morsel properly.  
  
Gandalf shook his head, beard wagging along with his orange tie, and tried to show Lamoo how to use the choppies properly. She failed miserably and ate with her fingers.  
  
By now Gimli was annoyed that his food has been pilfered and he slammed his fists down on the table angrily whist complaining loudly. Legolas glared at him and the elf massaged his own temples, trying to ignore the headache that always seemed to come on whenever Lamoo was around.  
  
Aragorn helpfully handed Legolas the hot wok that was still sitting on the stove in the kitchen. The elf smiled and swung it through the air until it collided with the dwarf's head. Much to Legolas's annoyance, nothing happened, in fact, Gimli didn't even notice that he'd been hit on the head with something quite hot, quite heavy, and made of metal.  
  
Legolas clouted him repeatedly until Gimli realised what was going on, but that was only because Pippin was yelling at the top of his voice at Legolas to stop hitting people with hot objects because it might frighten Percy.  
  
"I don't bloody care about Percy!" screamed Legolas, rising from his seat. Aragorn pushed him back down again, not wanting to be the one to have to clean up all the blood and brains that would be spilt all over the floor if someone didn't hold the bad tempered elf back.  
  
Lamoo was completely unfazed by the whole situation, still wolfing down Gimli's dinner. All of a sudden it registered with her that there was a massive amount if chilli in the dish.  
  
She screamed and dashed into the kitchen and stuck her head under the tap. But anyone who knows anything knows that water doesn't help when your mouth is on fire from eating red-hot chillies. But obviously Lamoo didn't know that and was quite pissed off when the water did nothing except make her very wet.  
  
Merry kind-heartedly dashed after her and supplied the loony authoress with the milk carton and instructed her to drink. When she complained that she hated milk Merry called in Aragorn to force her to drink it.  
  
Aragorn was busy trying to stop Legolas from killing Pippin so Merry had to make do with the help he received from Frodo and Sam.  
  
Finally Lamoo gave up and guzzled the whole carton of milk. Merry tried not to think about what Legolas might do, in his foul mood, when he found out that there was no milk left for his tea.  
  
Back in the dining room, Pippin was shrieking and hugging Percy the Parsnip, who was starting to smell a little bit off by now, close. Legolas was swearing, in English, elvish, orcish, dwarvish, German, French and another language he knew bits of whilst trying to smack the ranger with the wok. Gandalf and Gimli were spectating and Haldir had appeared. He must have heard all the yelling and thought that there was yet another party on that he hadn't been invited to.  
  
He had come over in his care-bears nightie with matching slippers and had sat himself down in Frodo's chair; on which was an enormous pile of phone books because Frodo was so short.  
  
Aragorn screamed an order at Haldir and the pair of them managed to wrestle the wok from Legolas. The only way they had been able to do it was when Haldir cleverly seized the candelabra off the sideboard and smacked the elf over the head with it. Unlike Gimli, his skull was not quite as think and he was out cold in an instant, not to mention at the candles were lit and the glue that Legolas had accidentally put I his hair that morning was very flammable.  
  
Haldir squealed in fright when Legolas's hair blazed alight. Gandalf handed him Aragorns beer and Haldir poured it all over Legolas's head in an attempt to put out the flames. The room was full of smoke that smelt like a mixture between singed socks, cigarette smoke and Legolas's aftershave. No one had quite worked out why he needed after-shave seeing as he supposedly didn't need to shave.  
  
Aragorn took the wok and ran outside. There was a splash and everyone assumed that he'd thrown it in the pool. Merry wasn't sure if this was the best idea seeing as how Legolas could supposedly swim better than any of them and would have no trouble at all retrieving the wok. But then again, Merry reminded himself; he had never actually seen the elf swim. Either way, it was pretty certain one of the pirates whose ship floated around in the middle of the pool would find the wok before Legolas would. Merry only hoped that they wouldn't find a more 'creative' use for it.  
  
Legolas's hair was still on fire, the beer doing little but making it splutter and burn faster. Lamoo screamed as she came out, a milk moustache on her lip, when she saw her Leggie's hair on fire. In primary school she had been taught that when you're on fire, you have to stop, drop, roll, so she tried to do the same to the elf, who through all this, was unconscious.  
  
"Don't do that!" bellowed Sam. "you have to smother the flames with a blanket!"  
  
Haldir ripped the tablecloth off the table, making all the crockery and everything else smash onto the floor. He tried to smother the flames in Legolas's hair with the cloth but only succeeded in setting the tablecloth on fire as well.  
  
"Stand on the flames!!" yelled Aragorn, coming back inside. Frodo did and screeched in pain when his bare hobbit feet were scorched by the flames. He tripped over the elf and fell flat on top of him.  
  
Then Gimli, showing extraordinary logic, ran into the kitchen and filled a jug up with water. He rushed back and poured the whole lot on Legolas's head. The flames spluttered and went out and the elf remained oblivious to everything.  
  
Lamoo quietly slipped out the back door and Aragorn could see her running towards the pool. A shiny pink boat glided up to the edge and she hopped aboard. The ranger rolled his eyes when he saw Will Turner and Jack Sparrow waving merrily. He pulled the curtains closed.  
  
"What do we do now?" Gandalf wanted to know as everyone stood in a circle around the elf who was out cold. "He'll kill us all when he finds out what happened to his hair."  
  
"We can just say it was Haldir's fault." Suggested the ranger. "He was the one who put the glue in Legolas's shampoo and hit him with the candles."  
  
"Hey!" exclaimed Haldir in protest. "You told me to hit him! I'm going home, you're scaring Me." he huffed to the front door. "Scaring me more than usual." The door slammed and much to everyone's relief, Haldir was gone for the moment.  
  
"I say we lock him in the bathroom for a day or two so that when he wakes up he cant hurt anyone. Too much, and he'll be able to get over It." Advised Frodo.  
  
"And in those days none of us can have a shower or go to the loo." Replied Gimli. "And if I have to go over to Haldir's to piss I am going to follow the elf's example and get myself hit on the head with a candlestick."  
  
"It's a candelabra." Interrupted Pippin. "And Percy says that Legolas didn't chose to be whacked so you can't really follow his example."  
  
Gimli glared, giving Pippin much the same look as Legolas had moments before. "I am beginning to think that Parsnip soup would be very good about now." he said, letting the threat sink him.  
  
The hobbit's eyes widened in horror and he gaped speechlessly. "You wouldn't!" he yelled.  
  
Gimli raised and eyebrow. "Oh wouldn't I." He said, repeating the elf's earlier words.  
  
"I think its time we all went to bed now." suggested Aragorn, trying to avoid any more conflict. It was bad enough already, that as the only vaguely sane, conscious person that he would be the one having to clean up the smashed dishes from when Haldir had pulled the tablecloth off the table when everything was still on top of it. The washing up still had to be done and Aragorn had to find something to do with Legolas for the time being.  
  
The hobbits scurried off followed by Gandalf leaving Gimli and Aragorn in the kitchen with the elf who was lying with his hair scorched on the floor.  
  
"You shouldn't wind him up like that." Aragorn told Gimli as he fetched the broom and begun to sweep up the broken glass up off the floor. "This is like the fourth time this month that he's been whacked on the head with something. I know he's an elf, but even so, being out cold because of a smack to the head cant be healthy."  
  
"I didn't wind him up!" protested Gimli, putting his hands on his hip. "He is just so bad tempered."  
  
"He never used to be." Aragorn mused, thinking back to the days where the fellowship was actually fighting orcs and trolls. Legolas had been so quiet and patient. Until Lamoo had appeared. "She did it." Aragorn said,  
  
"Who did what?" Gimli wanted to know.  
  
"Lamoo. She was the one who made Legolas act like this all the time." The ranger replied, sweeping up the last bits of smashed crockery. "Now help me lug him onto the couch." He added, giving the unconscious elf a kick in the side. Legolas didn't stir.  
  
Gimli nodded and with not too much difficulty, he and Aragorn managed to haul Legolas into the lounge room and onto the couch.  
  
"I'm going to bed." Gimli said. Aragorn didn't argue and the dwarf strolled off down the hallway.  
  
Aragorn plonked down on the second couch and looked over at the elf.  
  
A small sneaky voice spoke. "You know, now would be a very good time to get some of the slash fanfiction written."  
  
Aragorn was shocked and appalled. He glanced around for the source of the voice but couldn't see anything. But he had been taught as a child that just because you cannot see something doesn't mean its not there. "Hello? Anyone there?" he called out.  
  
"Someone is always here." Replied the voice. Aragorn glanced over at the elf, the area around Legolas's left eyebrow very swollen and red. His hair was scorched in places, merely singed in others.  
  
"Stupid voices." Muttered Aragorn, thinking that the small sneaky voice he was hearing must be his own imagination. He was disgusted however, that his own mind could fester such an idea. He shuddered and decided to go to bed.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The next morning, Legolas awoke with no recollection whatsoever as to what had happened the night before. As a matter of fact, he did not seem to remember the past year as well as several other things that he should have had permanently engraved in his head by now.  
  
Merry and Pippin were the first afoot, which was rather extraordinary for they were notorious for being rooted to their beds on weekdays. Today was Monday and they were up and ready for work. Sam was up only minutes after, beginning to cook breakfast, as usual. Gimli emerged from his room sometime after, his beard and hair more dishevelled than usual. Gandalf surfaced nearly an hour later, revealing to all that he had been up since dawn singing to his pot plants.  
  
Everyone sitting at the table eating breakfast chose not to ask why he bothered when all the wizard had by way of living things in his room was mould, bacteria and a rather dead looking parrot that sat in a cage all day shouting obscene things at anyone blonde. This may have had something to do with the incident when Legolas got so annoyed with the bird, along with the other members of the fellowship, and at their bidding, threw the bird into the pool.  
  
The pirates rescued it and from then on, the bird had a deep veined hatred of blondes.  
  
"Good bacon." Said Merry as he gobbled down a rasher of raw bacon. He squirted maple syrup into his mouth and swallowed, smiling.  
  
Aragorn came out of his room looking like he hadn't slept at all, not much later. Legolas was still on the couch. The ranger had huge purple shadows under his eyes and he had a severe case of bed hair. He slumped down in his seat and pulled the box of cornflakes towards him, opting to deny himself Sam's bacon in fear that it might make him puke. That was the last thing he needed.  
  
"When should we wake Legolas?" murmured Frodo, who had woken around the same time Sam had.  
  
"Never." Suggested Pippin. "He will he oh so cross."  
  
"Stop talking like that." Scolded Merry, narked.  
  
"Talking like what?" Pippin wondered.  
  
"Oh so cross." Repeated Merry. "Don't say that, you sound like more of a girl than usual."  
  
"Speaking of Girls," Gimli spoke up, turning to Aragorn. "Arwen rang yesterday afternoon. She wanted you to call her back."  
  
"And you were planning on telling me this when?" the ranger wanted to know.  
  
"It slipped my mind." Gimli said with a shrug. "Besides, you never bother ringing her back anyway."  
  
"I do so!" exclaimed Aragorn, leaping to his own defence. Everyone snickered and tried to avert their eyes. The ranger sighed. "Fine. So what if I never call her back? At least I have the right to know when she calls."  
  
"Yea, she is your wife after all." Laughed Frodo.  
  
"I say we wake the elf up now." Aragorn said, trying to change the subject. "You can do the honours." He said to Gandalf and Gimli.  
  
It took a little persuading before Gimli and Gandalf stood beside the couch on which the elf slept. His bump on the head was swollen and his forehead bruised. Gimli kept his distance, afraid that Legolas might lash out, and poked the elf with the vacuum cleaner hose.  
  
Gandalf was more ignorant that unafraid however and gave Legolas's arm a gentle prod. The elf smiled in his sleep and muttered something in elvish, which made Aragorn snicker.  
  
"What did he say?" Sam wanted to know.  
  
Aragorn chuckled. "He's mumbling about Galadriel's lacy knickers." He replied. The rest of the fellowship snorted with laughter, all of them wondering when exactly Legolas had seen Galadriel's knickers.  
  
Gandalf poked Legolas again and he began to stir. He woke slowly and rubbed his head, wondering why it was so sore.  
  
"Morning." He mumbled, pulling himself into a sitting position and rubbing his eyes. "Why is everyone looking at me? Whatever it was, I swear I didn't do it."  
  
The others stood back and waited for comprehension to dawn. They all braced themselves; ready for the explosion of anger that was soon to come when Legolas remembered what had happened.  
  
Surprisingly, nothing did happen.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~  
  
TBC  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~  
  
AN/ mwa haa haa! Only I know what's happened to Legolas! Tee hee!  
  
Ok, after a long wait, here are the replies to your reviews.  
  
I cant thank all of you enough for the reviews which act as little pinnacles of light to get me through horrible times where the only ideas that seem to come to mind involve tacky Mary-Sues, or giant clowns. Thankyou dudes and dudettes.  
  
Andboriel Swan: of course Gandalf likes his tie, he LOVES his tie! Hehe, but rest assured that you'll never see anyone else wearing it, for even Aragorn, who has very bad taste, wouldn't be caught dad wearing it. Indonesia! Yay, well, actually Bali is really different from the rest of it, but I reckon it's all wonderful. And when it comes to the bathroom incident, you're welcome. I don't think I could have stood it myself to have had to write that. Thanks a million for you reviews.  
  
Enelya: ohh, I just love reading your reviews, nice and long. Hehe. Yes, our darling Aragorn can be a bit dim sometimes can't he? Especially with the piranha. Haven't you seen the loony tunes episode with bugs bunny and that big hairy orange monster and bugs gives him a manicure and there are mousetraps in the water? I thought I might try something different, and as a result the world is less one horrible little fishy and someone had grilled fish for dinner that night. And I'm happy that someone, anyone, actually reads my ANs. Well, I guess it doesn't really make much difference, but still. Ooh, maybe the fellowship should go to New Caledonia next year? After they go to Germany and several other places. Ohhh, I just had an evil idea. Hmm, don't mind me. And I agree, it is a shame that people don't get payed for writing fanfics. Actually, I'm kinda glad cos then all the really good writers out there would take over my little obsession and my crappy, disturbing little stories would be overshadowed so much. And I do watch Queer eye, I love it!! Can you believe that they're making an Australian version? I reckon that'll be soooo lame, but your comments gave me some more evil ideas. Give the next chapter a read to find out. Tee hee. And just for the books, I want to read your fics, I'll have to do that once ive finished here, and yea, I know you wouldn't copy a shirtless Legolas, besides, that idea is not mine, never has been, and unfortunately, never will be. Legolas topless is a regular topic in the crazy little world of fan fictions. So, after listening to me blab on for ages, I am going to tell you one more thing, wait, two, no three. Thankyou soo soo soo much for your reviews, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the next one, and oh bugger, forgot the third one. Guess there's only two. Bye.  
  
Elfchick123: loved it? I loved your review! Made me veddy veddy happy it did. Its always nice to know when people like what you write. I will not mention that I still kinda think this story is a tad on the lame side and that I don't think its as good as people make it out to be. You go on thinking that this story is good, cos although it is a strange little load of Legolas poop, I shall continue writing cos I love it. The story, not the Legolas poop.  
  
XhellsFireX: I know exactly how you feel with long reviews. They're always nice to receive, but rather tiresome and tedious to write. Unless you type fast, which I do not. Anyway, you're not tired anymore, so you have no excuse not to write me a nice long review.  
  
Inweofnargothrond: personally I hate chicken flavoured rice crackers. They're icky. Plain one are the best. Anyway, anyone know where I can get myself a pair of musical socks? Hmm, maybe I could get Gimli to knit me a pair. And no one was being mean to Percy, for a few reasons. Number one, no matter what Pippin says, Percy is a vegetable and does not have a brain, number two, he fully deserves every insult for being a yucky parsnip, which, did I mention, were yucky. supposedly, I've never tried one. And Bali would have to be the best place on earth. Sun, sea, sand, and SHOPPING!! Yay. It's wonderful! Anywho, thanks for your reviews, always make me smile when I read em.  
  
Banx: whoo! Hope you enjoyed the Haldir in this Chapter! Hehe. But I'm back now, and I swear I am never doing anything like nanowrimo again. until next year. Hehe. Sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but you knew I'd be back didn't you? But if you got Hal-dear to burn out your eyes, then you wouldn't be able to look at beautiful Hal-dear or Leggy any more. I suggest finding a nice comfy crate and stuffing Gimli in it then floating the box down a river. hobbit style. Hope I didn't leave you handing too long, and just in case I did, you get two chapters for the price of one! Yay!  
  
Aelimir: by the comment you made in your last review I gathered that you liked the last chapter. Hehe. Hope you liked this one too, fight scene! Yay. And I'm so sorry I left you hanging, the month wasn't that bad was it? Anyway, the point is I'm back, I'm replying to reviews, and you all get two chapters. I am expecting some reviews after this. Lol.  
  
Legolas Stalker: Helooo there my fellow elf kidnapper. Will says he enjoyed his little holiday at your secret hideaway, but he missed Elizabeth. *Lamoo growls and brandishes big pointy stick* feel free to take Will after these two chapters, cos I have the feeling that he is the last thing Legolas is going to need in the upcoming chapters. And I solemnly promise to never do any more dwarf nudity again. To tell the truth, al I really wanted to see was everyone's reaction. Quite sick aren't I? Thankies for your reviews, they make be veddy veddy happy indeed.  
  
Kawaii Elf Girl: I love the song that never ends, it is the best! Wonder how long Aragorn could endure Merry and Pippin singing it on the plane on the way to Bali before he snaps? A few chapters still to come before the big holiday chapters, but I'm really quite eager now to see how long it'll be before our friend the ranger snaps. Hope this chapter passed your ruthless inspection and that you don't find the next one too disturbing. No dwarves, I promise.  
  
Robyn The Pirate: ack, if I had knows how people would react when I said no updates for a month, maybe I would have rethought that whole nanowrimo thing. But, it doesn't matter now; I'm back in fanfiction land and ready for some serious sugar induced writing. Pleased, very pleased, very very pleased that you liked the last chapters. And just because people suggest eating Percy the Parsnip doesn't mean they'll actually do it. Maybe Gimli will make a candle out of it, somehow. not quite sure, but I think the threat was just to scare the darling little Pippin, who tends to be a tad on the gullible side. And of course you can come to Bali! The more the merrier! But not in the boat. ( I'm sorry, but you'll have to get on a plane, but Will and Jack probably will end up tagging along. And yes, I was trying to give you nightmares with the Gimli in the shower thing. Well not really, I was just interested to see people's reactions. Someone remind me never to do such a thing EVER again. And I didn't say I'd not be updating ever again, I just said things would be put on hold for a month. Is that a crime? Hehe. Lol. Say hi to Norman for me.  
  
Raven Demon: heya there fellow fanfictioner. (That is now a word in the Lamoo dictionary. yes.) anyway, thanks for the reviews and thankyou a dozen more times for putting me in your fanfiction. Hope you liked the last chapter and that the next once passes your screening. Lol. Enjoy!  
  
Marissa03: hope you continue to keep writing your fic cos I reckon it is soooooo much better than this; I love it, so keep it coming. Well, what can I say; very happy you liked the last chapter. And frankly all my elvish comes from one of those handy dictionary websites. *Hangs head in shame* pathetic huh? Well, it gets the job done, so meh, who cares. Your elvish is so much better than mine anyway. And Lego is a vegetarian when it suits him. Hehe. Just a health food addict, not necessarily vegetarian. Enjoy the next chappie.  
  
And last but certainly not least, my somewhat evil buddy.  
  
Mr Bean: there are a lot of things I could say to you, but basically they all basically mean the same thing. I am so grateful to you. You're a great mate and you did me a favour by reading my stuff when no body else would. And you've stuck on when other people have gotten bored of me. I seriously cant thank you enough. And I DO NOT want you to tell me one more time that you love this story, I think I have already established that you think that. I'm flattered, so again, thankyou Yay. Fanfiction for me is a bit of an escape from yearlies and stuff. I don't think I'll menton again that this chapter was written in the final week of November when I was sposed to be nanwrimoing. Hey, lets face it, I get bored of stupid Kiri and Saelir. yes, I used one of my RP characters. I love him! But he's boring. And prey tell, what is wrong with Legolas without a shirt? Quite pretty if you ask me. which I must remind myself, you did not. And the reason I did not describe Gimli's shower incident in detail is because I knew no one would be able to write me reviews if they puked all over their keyboard. Hehe. And if you like reading, maybe you should broaden your horizons a little and explore the world of LOTR fanfiction. If not, there will always be a TF&TEND chapter here once in a while for you. So, as I have said about a gazillion times, thankyou. Oh yea, and you're welcome. I love doing this, so its not like it's a chore or anything. Ta ta, and try not to be too disturbed by the next chapter *cackles evilly* don't worry, no dwarf nudity, you can rest assured that I will never try that one again.  
  
Well. That took a lot longer than I expected, but now everyone's happy so now you can all run away and read the next chapter. Enjoy it people, cos I enjoyed writing it.  
  
Oh yea, as always, don't forget to review!  
  
Love Lamoo.  
  
Ps. I never ended up getting 50 000 for NaNoWriMo anyway, so I'm not likely to try that little trick again. not till next November anyway. 


	8. Polly and The Fab Five

AN/ my my, aren't we lucky, TWO chapters! You should all be very proud of me. Lets not mention the fact that I wrote this when I should have been nanowrimo-ing in the final week of November. Hey, no one minds seeing as you all get two chapters for the prince of one!  
  
Disclaimer: I am getting seriously bored of thinking up disclaimers. No one ever reads em anyway. I think you all should have figured out by now that I own absolutely zilch in this strange little world. I don't own the characters and I don't own the TV show 'queer eye for the straight guy.' Nor do I own the fab five, even though I would love to for they are certainly incredibly entertaining. Nothing here is mine you hear me!? Have a nice day.  
  
Chapter 8.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue, Legolas had a little accident that involved his hair, a table cloth and some candles, Aragorn discovered how annoying it can be being the only vaguely sane person in the house and Lamoo discovered that she should never eat anything that Legolas cooked. Legolas awoke after being out cold for a while, Aragorn became disgusted at his slashy imagination and Arwen called our friend the stinky ranger.  
  
In this chapter everyone is about to get a big surprise, several big surprises actually, especially Aragorn. Enough said, read the story!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Why does my head hurt?" the elf asked calmly. "It almost feels like someone clobbered me over the head." He added.  
  
Frodo looked around nervously and assured Legolas that no one had done anything to his head. "Nothing happened at all Legolas." He said, trying to remain calm.  
  
An expression of dazed confusion came over the elf's face. "Who's Legolas?" he asked. Suddenly he giggled. "Hehe, what kind of an idiot has a name that means green foliage?" He chuckled.  
  
Aragorn's mouth dropped open and before he could do anything Pippin spoke.  
  
"You're the idiot whose name means green foliage." The hobbit said, not knowing that he could indeed be lurking into dangerous territory.  
  
The elf raised his eyebrows. "Don't be silly, my name isn't green foliage." He said. "Its Polly." Gandalf snickered and 'Polly' glared, wondering what was so funny abut his name. "What? Polly is a perfectly acceptable name in Antarctica." Legolas added.  
  
"I think we need to talk." Said Aragorn to the confused elf. "Come with me into the kitchen."  
  
Legolas shook his head. "I'm sorry, my mummy told me never to go places with strangers."  
  
"I'm not a stranger!" bellowed Aragorn, his frustration mounting with the elf.  
  
Legolas shrugged. "Yes you are. I don't know who you are, therefore you are a stranger."  
  
"Hey, something's wrong with Legolas." Remarked Gimli, wonderfully quick on the uptake as usual. *Cough cough*  
  
Aragorn glared at the dwarf. "You don't say." He spat. He turned back to Legolas. "I'm Aragorn." He explained slowly. "Remember me? King of Gondor? Your bestest friend?"  
  
A blank expression remained plastered on the elf's face. "My best friend's name is Gertrude." He remarked casually. "But it's nice to meet you Angela."  
  
"Aragorn, the name is Aragorn." The ranger huffed. The elf did not respond so Aragorn tried something easier. "Try Estel, call me Estel ok?"  
  
"Ok Eric." Replied Legolas.  
  
The ranger suddenly had the impulse to bang his head on the coffee table but decided against it. "Close enough." He told Polly who was formerly known as Legolas. "I need to talk to you in the kitchen."  
  
"In a second." Replied Legolas. "First I would so much like to get to know these charming chums here in front of me." he said, gesturing to the rest of the fellowship who were all wearing bemused expressions.  
  
Aragorn smacked his forehead but agreed. "This is Frodo." He said, motioning to the hobbit who was looking very unsure of the situation.  
  
Legolas waved. "Hullo Fred." He said to Frodo.  
  
Aragorn moved on. "This is Merry." He continued. Merry smiled faintly. "And Pippin." Pippin grinned widely, still clutching Percy the Parsnip.  
  
"Good day to you both. Mary and Pertpetua. I'm charmed." Legolas said graciously.  
  
"Sam." Added Aragorn, poking the chubby hobbit in the belly. Sam squirmed and glared up at Aragorn.  
  
"Sally." Remarked Legolas, shaking Sam's hand. "I had a cousin called Sally once, she was eaten my her pet pony you know." He added in a matter of fact tone.  
  
Sam jerked his hand away and the ranger introduced Gimli and Gandalf. Legolas responded by called Gimli 'Greta' and Gandalf 'Geraldine'. Neither dwarf nor wizard seemed to mind very much and smiled cheerfully at the elf.  
  
"Ok." Legolas declared. "You wanted to have that little talk?" he said, putting on a poncy English accent that made his regular one sound very uncouth and crude. He leapt up from the couch and waited for 'Eric' to lead him into the kitchen.  
  
Aragorn did and the elf skipped along beside him. Once they were alone in the kitchen, or rather, once Aragorn had forced the hobbits to stay away, he spoke to Legolas.  
  
"Lego, what the hell is going on." He asked plainly.  
  
The elf knitted his brows. "I'm afraid I don't know who Lego is. And I assure you that nothing is wrong." He said. "All though I am left wondering whose house this is for I know that I do not live here."  
  
"Ok, enough pretending Legolas, be serious." Aragorn remarked, moving to make himself a cup of tea.  
  
The elf sniffed indignantly. "For the third time, I am not Legolas, I am Polly Van Schnoogenhoover. And I personally think that when it comes to being serious, I am the civil one, rather than yourself."  
  
"You have either gone mad, I have gone mad, or you forgot everything when bloody Haldir hit you last night," the ranger said, more to himself than anyone else in particular.  
  
There was a ring on the doorbell and Aragorn used it as an excuse to get away from Legolas who was now examining some of the photos that were stuck to the fridge with a large tacky magnet. Many of the photos were of him with the other fellowship members and he was rather unnerved to find that he couldn't remember any of it.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~  
  
Delivery for Mr Legolas Greenleaf." Said the courier at the door. He was holding a clipboard and was standing beside a trolley, which was laden with several large crates of something.  
  
"He's not here right now." Aragorn lied. "But I can sign for the packages." He said. The delivery boy shrugged and handed the ranger the clipboard. Aragorn scribbled down his signature and found himself loaded with about ten large wooden crates.  
  
He called Gimli outside and the two of them helped each other lug the boxes into the living room from where they had been dumped on the porch.  
  
Legolas fluttered into the living room and 'oohed' at the parcels.  
  
"I like the new Legolas better." Pippin said to Merry, who nodded vigorously. "The old one was always cranky."  
  
"But the new Lego is weird, too weird." Merry replied.  
  
"Weirder than normal you mean?" Sam interjected.  
  
"We're all used to him by now, and then he goes and looses his memory." Frodo said. It was this simple statement that caused reality to dawn on the fellowship.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Merry and Pippin went to work that day, musing over possible ways that Legolas could have lost him memory. Aragorn went off to his job, wondering if Legolas would get fired for not turning up to work that day.  
  
Aragorn arrived home that day and there was a strange car parked in the driveway. The ranger thought at first that it could have been Elladan's because his foster brother was quite prone to buying new cars every third week. Or perhaps on the other hand Boromir had finally gotten around to buying a car. The vehicle was a big dark coloured four-wheel drive.  
  
Aragorn's heart stopped when he saw the number plate. It read, 'Fab5.' The ranger screamed to the heavens and turned to make a run for his car, hoping that he could drive to Elrond's and camp there until the fab five left. But he didn't make it in time; Legolas opened the door and called out to 'Eric' better known as Estel.  
  
Five blokes appeared at the door behind Legolas and waved, wearing the same expressions of delight and excitement as the elf was. Aragorn put on a polite smile and waved back before casually backing up to his car.  
  
"Where are you goooing?" crooned Legolas, coming out onto the porch.  
  
"Back to work," began Aragorn, looking for an excuse to make a quick exit. "I left my, uh, rainbow socks on my desk." He improvised.  
  
Legolas didn't look very convinced but a shortish blonde dude wearing a pink shirt shook his head violently. "Ah! Rainbow sock! Not good!" he yelled. "Almost as bad a wire hangers and pleats!"  
  
"Guys," spoke up one of the five blokes. This dude was wearing a purple paisley shirt, which actually looked surprisingly good. "I think the fab five need to rescue this poor dude."  
  
"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" screeched Aragorn.  
  
The blonde one rolled his eyes. "You don't watch much TV do you?" he asked in a mater of fact tone of voice. "We're the fab five!"  
  
"I was afraid you were going to say that." Aragorn muttered. He put on his polite smile again. "Are you Legolas's friends?" he asked, actually thinking that they probably were.  
  
The blonde one nodded. "Sure are sweetie." He said. Aragorn was a little disturbed by the 'sweetie' comment but reassured himself that just because they were in the house didn't mean they had to have anything to do with him. "But we're actually here for you."  
  
Aragorn seriously contemplated knocking himself out with one of his shoes, hoping to make it look like an accident and the shoe attacked him, but he decided better of it and told himself that he was ready for whatever these men wearing clothes that were of good taste could dish up for him.  
  
Suddenly they all leapt down off the porch and ran over to him, hustling him inside, introducing themselves as they went. "I'm Carson." Said the blonde dude wearing the pink shirt. Aragorn felt the name ring a bell and dimly remembered watching an episode of the show 'Queer eye for the straight guy' on telly a week or two ago. Merry and Pippin were thoroughly engrossed in the show and wouldn't miss it for the world so there were signs all over the house telling people not to watch anything else at 8.30 on Monday nights.  
  
"Right, Carson." Repeated Aragorn, trying to remember the name.  
  
"I'm Kyan." Said the dude with the purple paisley shirt. "And if it's not to bold of me to say, your hair sucks."  
  
Aragorn was used to these comments coming from Legolas and Lamoo, but when a complete stranger, and a gay stranger at that, told him that his hair sucked, it almost made him break down in tears. kind of.  
  
"I'm Jai." Said another of the fab five guys.  
  
"Ted." Said Ted, the food and wine boffin of the fab five.  
  
"And I'm the best one of all." Said the final guy. All the others giggled. "I'm Thom."  
  
"Can we make it a fab six?" asked Legolas from the side.  
  
Carson shook his head. "You have to be gay, sorry dude."  
  
"I can be gay!" argued Legolas, his pride flaring. He looked determined to be gay, and in his best attempt at it ever, gave Aragorn a snog before he smiled triumphantly.  
  
Aragorn felt like he was about to be sick and furiously bitch slapped the elf. "Thank god that you're not yourself today!" he yelled, escaping the fab 'six' for long enough to grab one of the pointy ended cricket stumps that was set up on the lawn from previous games. He sung the stick mightily and the fab five squealed. The wood clouted Legolas over the head and he was out cold again. Aragorn tossed the stump over his shoulder, just wondering how much more beating Legolas could take before what remained of his brain began to leak out of his ears.  
  
"I like your style." Commented Carson with a nod of approval to the unconscious elf. "You're welcome to kiss me any time you want."  
  
"I think I'll make my exit now." Aragorn said softly, backing away.  
  
"Oh no you don't." said Ted, grabbing the back of Aragorn's shirt. He cringed and pulled his hand away. "Ew!" he exclaimed as he looked down at the grime that had transferred from Aragorn's shirt to his hand.  
  
Legolas began coming round and his eyelids fluttered open. The first thing he saw was the fab five gathered around him, Carson suggesting to the others that perhaps a sleeping beauty style kiss might wake the elf up. The elf raised his eyebrows and wondered what the hell happened. The last thing he could remember was trying to clobber Aragorn with the wok at dinner the night before.  
  
"Where am I?" he asked, realising he was lying on the grass outside.  
  
"On your lawn." Replied Jai. "Not particularly elegant."  
  
"Who are you?" Legolas asked, sitting up and rubbing his head. Aragorn almost shouted in joy from the front seat of his car, which he had managed to make a break to. Legolas was back to his old self and as soon as Jai told him where he was, the elf started telling Carson that pink was not his colour.  
  
Carson scoffed and tossed his hair. "Someone's pissy." He said. "I'm glad we're not rescuing you. You would have to be the worst gay I have ever seen."  
  
Legolas raised his eyebrows so high it looked for a moment that they might disappear into his hair. He seemed unable to find the words at first and his ears began to turn red. Eventually, he found what he wanted to say. He rose to his feet and put his hands on his hips, looking very tall from Carson's point of view. "If I lose my temper, Valar help me." he said in a calm, but dangerous voice. He rounded on the fab five. "I have a few things to say to you." He said. "Firstly, I am not gay, I never have been, and I never will be." Kyan rolled his eyes and muttered to Jai that it was a real pity that Legolas wasn't gay after all.  
  
The elf heard the comment and narrowed his eyes. He continued, "Secondly, why the heck are you five in my front yard?"  
  
"Because we rescuing your friend Eric there, from straight guy hell." Replied Thom. "And your house really needs some help as well."  
  
"Who's Eric?" asked Legolas, a little perplexed.  
  
"That's me." piped up Aragorn. "The name is actually Estel, or Aragorn if you prefer but Polly was calling me Eric today."  
  
"Who's Polly?" Legolas wanted to know, revealing that he had no recollection whatsoever of the morning's activities.  
  
"I thought you were." Replied the Ranger, getting out of his car and coming back to stand beside the elf.  
  
"I have a cousin called Polly." Remarked Haldir, who had appeared and was hanging over the side fence, watching the proceedings.  
  
Carson almost burst with joy when he saw Haldir. "Guys!" he called out. "We have a new victim!"  
  
There were cheers all round, for the fab five had suddenly realised that making over Aragorn was probably not going to be a particularly 'fun' endeavour. Aragorn also cheered because, in truth, he wasn't looking forward to being the fab five's victim anymore than the next guy. Legolas was happy because now no one had a chance to re decorate the house, which he thought he'd so skilfully decorated himself.  
  
Haldir though, looked confused, but not worried. Aragorn sighed, pitying the elf for what would have been the first, nay, perhaps the second, time in his life. From what Aragorn had seen on the TV, the Queer eye capers were not quite as much fun for the poor victim as they looked from an outsider's point of view.  
  
Haldir beamed as Kyan commented on his hair.  
  
"Lovely colour." The groomer commented. "Could do with a bit of a cut though, but it suits you."  
  
"He really doesn't know what he's in for does he?" Aragorn asked Legolas.  
  
The elf shook his head. "I don't know." He replied. "But could someone please tell me what's going on?"  
  
"Long story."  
  
TBC  
  
~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~  
  
AN/ mwa haa haa. I trust we all liked these two chapters? Well, even if you didn't particularly, you still managed to kill a little bit of time in which you could have been doing homework or something equally as tedious.  
  
Anyway, thanks for the reviews guys. Don't forget to send me one on this chapter.  
  
Love Lamoo 


	9. The Pants

Hello everyone. Terribly sorry for the hugely disappointing last chapter. I simply ran out of time before the holidays. But now that its over and I have a little smidgen of time to actually breathe I'll finish this chapter and hopefully make up for the patheticness (yes I know that's not a word) of this previously.  
  
As for 'Never Give a Hobbit Socks for Christmas', that is being taken down considering I never got further than one chapter before Christmas eve. I will continue, but it wont be back up again until next Christmas.  
  
Disclaimer: I did get quite a bit of LOTR stuff for Christmas but an elf was not amongst it. (I don't think he would fit in my stocking) so, for another year, I own nothing of Tolkien's.  
  
WARNING: everyone is VERY out of character here, especially Legolas. more OOC than how he usually is in this fic, which is OOC anyway, and that's saying something. Anyway, just thought I should warn you.  
  
WAIT! One more thing. I need a Beta reader, to correct all my hopeless spelling boo boos and punctuation errors that the Microsoft word spell checker doesn't pick up. Nellie, would you do me the honour?  
  
Ok, NOW I can be quiet and get on with this. Reviews at the end, this time I promise I will actually get around to replying to them.  
  
Enjoy this chapter.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 9  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Previously in the fellowship and the elf next door, the adventures continue, it was revealed that Legolas had an alter ego called Polly, a package arrived for the elf which he is yet to open, Aragorn found himself in the middle of a Queer riot (sort of) and Haldir is now officially the new victim of everyone's favourite queers, the fab five!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
*Queer Eye theme music plays.*  
  
Haldir raised one of his eyebrows, wondering where the music was coming from.  
  
Merry and Pippin were sitting out on the front porch with a tape recorder. Merry hurriedly pushed the stop button and the music stopped. Legolas sighed with relief, not knowing how much more queer eye madness he could take.  
  
The elf and Aragorn exchanged glances and decided to see what the fab five were doing to Haldir.  
  
Jai shook his head. "Sorry, you're not allowed to see him until we're done." He said.  
  
Legolas shrugged and went away without a word. Aragorn opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it, following the elf.  
  
"Right." Said Carson. "We have a lot of work to do."  
  
"Take us to your house!" said Thom, eager to get the decorating started.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
After being shoed away, Legolas and Aragorn traipsed inside, Merry and Pippin, who'd come outside to watch, bringing up the rear.  
  
"Have you opened those packages that arrived for you yet?" Aragorn asked the elf.  
  
"What packages?" Legolas asked, a bemused expression on his face. Aragorn opened his mouth to explain but before he could, the elf had already dashed inside and was busy prying the lid off one of the crates with a crowbar, which was conveniently previously located in the umbrella stand.  
  
Aragorn flopped onto the couch and watched as Legolas battled with the box. The elf couldn't seem to get the lid off one of the particular crates so he decided to try a different one. It wasn't long before Legolas had unsuccessfully tried to rip open the lids on all of the ten or so boxes, each one of his attempts futile. The elf looked to be getting frustrated as well as a little flushed in the face. He reminded Aragorn a little off a spoilt child unable to do something. Legolas obviously desperately wanted to know what was inside the boxes and was about to resort to any means needed to get them open.  
  
He strode out into the kitchen and came back with a very large carving knife. He jammed the blade in the gap between the side of the box and the lid and jiggled it around. It had no affect. He pulled it out, only just missing sticking the knife up Merry's nose by mere centimetres. Merry had come to stand behind the elf, about to offer to give him a hand to open the boxes, but now the hobbit backed off, unsure of whether Legolas meant to attempt to stab him or whether it was pure accident.  
  
Legolas slammed the point of the blade into the top of the wooden lid, wondering to himself whether he could cut the box open. Needless to say he couldn't. the knife blade snapped as soon as the elf stabbed the lid of the crate with it. So much for highest quality blade with a lifetime warranty.  
  
"Stupid piece of crap." Muttered the elf as he tossed the broken blade over his shoulder. He threw it so hard and the blade ended up sticking out of a picture of Legolas's mother, which was hung on the living room wall. Legolas spun on his heel and cackled to himself, looking at the portrait with the knife sticking out of it. "Been meaning to do that for years." He remarked. Aragorn, Merry and Pippin looked horrified. Legolas turned to face them and flashed a smile. "She left for the undying lands ages ago." He remarked. "So we're all rid of her for the time being."  
  
Aragorn sighed and put a hand on the elf's shoulder, thinking that he might be missing his mummy. Legolas looked at Aragorn with raised eyebrows. "What are you doing?" he asked.  
  
"Don't be heartbroken Legolas," Aragorn said in his most comforting tone of voice.  
  
For the second time that day, he opened his mouth again to say something but Legolas interrupted with a hearty laugh. "I am not depressed about that Estel, he remarked. "It was me who sent her packing for the undying lands in the first place." An evil glint appeared in the elf's blue eyes and Aragorn found himself backing off, wondering if Legolas was being serious or his head had been seriously damaged the last time he was smacked over the head with a hard object.  
  
Legolas grinned at the ranger's discomfort before he went back to searching for a new way to open the crates. "Do you think Gandalf still has that welder thing of his?" he asked the hobbits.  
  
Pippin shrugged. "I don't know, Aragorn confiscated it when Merry and me tried to weld together a goldfish and some plastic garden furniture." He replied.  
  
Aragorn spoke up. "Um Lego, even if he does still have that thing,"  
  
"Welder," Merry corrected him  
  
"Whatever," remarked the ranger. "Anyway Lego, the welder thingy basically spits this fire stuff. Those crates are wooden. Unless you want to set the whole house on fire, I would recommend refraining from trying to weld open, as such, those boxes."  
  
"English would be nice." Grumbled the elf.  
  
Aragorn sighed. "If you set the welder on those boxes, they will catch on fire."  
  
"Why didn't you just say that in the first place?!" Legolas yelled. He paused for a moment, coming up with another idea to get open the boxes. His face lit up and he ran over to the phone. He dialled a number and began talking to the person on the other end of the line in very fast elvish.  
  
To Merry and Pippin it was a jumbled mess of swear words to them, but Aragorn picked up something about a nail file. The elf put down the phone and smiled triumphantly. "Who was that?" Merry asked.  
  
"Arwen," Legolas replied He looked over at Aragorn, who looked rather squeamish at the mention of the daughter of Elrond. Come to think of it, Elrond also went rather squirmy whenever Arwen was mentioned. "Don't worry, we didn't mention you." Legolas told Aragorn. "I asked to borrow one of those marvellous nail files of hers. With any luck, I'll be able to file open those boxes."  
  
"With a nail file?"  
  
Legolas nodded. "Not just any nail file, these ones are made of titanium." He said. "Murder on fingernails actually, but quite good for filing through prison bars."  
  
"I'm not going to bother asking how you know that." Aragorn said, more to himself than to the elf. For some reason he couldn't get the image of Legolas and Arwen escaping from jail together out of his mind. His musings became even worse when he thought about Elrond escaping from the big house. The ranger shuddered as he imagined Elrond's long robes getting hitched on the window as he escaped and revealing pink spotty knickers.  
  
"What?" Legolas asked as Aragorn shuddered. The ranger didn't respond so the elf waved his hand in front of his friend's face. Aragorn snapped out of his, erm, 'imagination' and looked at Legolas with an expression of horror. Legolas grinned, winked, gave the ranger a slap across the cheek before he went to make himself a low fat, vanilla milkshake.  
  
Merry and Pippin sat on the carpet together, wondering what the heck just happened while Aragorn muttered to himself and stomped off to the bathroom, his bladder beginning to feel the effects of the seven cups of coffee he had that morning.  
  
"I can't wait until we go on holidays." Pippin said to Merry, idly changing the subject.  
  
"Neither." Merry replied. "Hey Pip," he said, looked excitedly at his cousin, beaming. "Do you think we'll get those cool colouring books on the aeroplane? "  
  
Pippin giggled. "I hope so." He replied. "Those, and the funny noise the loo makes when you flush it are my favourite parts about aeroplanes."  
  
"I like the sick bags in the pockets on the back of the seats." Mused Merry.  
  
Pippin cocked his head. "Why?" he wondered.  
  
The other hobbit shrugged, "Cos its fun to pretend that we've puked, tip some orange juice and peanuts in the bag and then watch the look on Legolas's face when you drop the bag in his lap and complain of stomach cramps." Said Merry, very fast in one breath.  
  
"I have never heard you talk that fast." Pippin said.  
  
"Neither have I." Replied Merry. "Lamoo just got carried away and forgot the full stops and commas in that sentence."  
  
"Oh, that explains it." Said Pip. "Anyway, you know what else I like about plane trips?"  
  
"What Pip?"  
  
The hobbit grinned. "Annoying the person behind you but putting your seat backwards and forwards about seven hundred times."  
  
"Yeah," said Merry, grinning. His smile fell suddenly. "Unless Gandalf is sitting behind you, then he puts his feet on the seat and kicks it for the next four hours."  
  
"Remind me to get a seat in front of Sam or Aragorn, they both sleep the whole journey." Pippin said. "Do you think Haldir's coming?"  
  
Merry shook his head. "I wouldn't think so, unless he all of a sudden makes an excellent impression on Legolas." He replied with a shrug. "Do you reckon the fab five have finished giving him his make over yet?"  
  
"They would have had to my now, the episodes are only an hour long, they should have finished ten minutes ago." Pippin said, unaware that in real life, to give Haldir a make over, as well as decorating his house, would take well over an hour.  
  
"Should we go check?" Merry wondered, rising to his feet and extending his cousin a hand up.  
  
"No you shouldn't." came Legolas's voice from the kitchen. "They might then come up with an excuse to mosey around here."  
  
"Who?" asked Merry and Pippin in unison, neither one quite sure who or what the elf was on about.  
  
Both hobbits heard a very loud sigh. "The fab five, you cotton headed ninny mugginses."  
  
Merry and Pippin both looked deeply hurt at the mention of then both being cotton headed ninny mugginses and their lower lips trembled. Legolas was in the kitchen, so he was unfortunately denied the 'privilege' of seeing Merry and Pippin's attempt of 'puppy dog eyes. Both hobbits stalked off to their bedroom, sulking.  
  
"You shouldn't have said that," said Gimli, arriving in the kitchen.  
  
"Where did you come from?" asked Legolas, jumping when he heard the dwarf speak from behind him.  
  
"The pool." Replied Gimli with a shrug. Legolas surveyed him and found himself being violently ill over the sink. Anyone might wonder what was wrong with the elf, why he was puking for no apparent reason. That would be until they saw Gimli. Orange Speedos, on a dwarf, definitely not a good look. Legolas had seen some pretty disgusting things in his long lifetime, but never had he heaved up his breakfast over the kitchen sink like that. Come to think of it, the elf did have rather a weak stomach. While vomiting violently into the sink he thought about a fanfiction that Lamoo had tricked him into reading. It came from the library of Moria. enough said, and concerned someone's strange interpretation of what he and Gimli might do in a single sleeping bag together. The elf shuddered and found himself wishing he hadn't thought of that.  
  
He spat out a mouthful of vomit and glared at the dwarf over his shoulder. "Put a towel on." He said before he was sick again. "Something, anything." He said to Gimli, leaning over the sink.  
  
"What?" Gimli wanted to know, putting his hands on his hips. "What did I do?"  
  
"You put on Speedos!" yelled Legolas.  
  
"What? You want me to take them off?" Gimli asked, bamboozled.  
  
"NO!" barked the elf and it was barely moments before he was puking into the sink again. "Just grab something and put it around you waist, or get out of the room."  
  
"Fine! Be like that!" Gimli said, his lip trembling. With that, the dwarf stalked out of the room muttering about how Polly had been much nicer.  
  
Finally the elf managed to stop the nausea and he rinsed his mouth out with some water before he settled down on the couch to have a nap.  
  
A few hours later there was a knock at the door, which woke Legolas from his pleasant slumber. He opened his eyes blearily and looked over at the door. Legolas had stopped sleeping with his eyes open as was the way of the elves years ago, because Aragorn had a tendency to think he was dead when he did so. It usually ended in mouth-to-mouth resuscitation before Legolas got quite pissed off, explained why he slept with his eyes open to the ranger and went back to sleep. This whole incident happened about seven times so in the end Legolas decided it couldn't hurt to sleep with his eyes closed and to appear was human to Aragorn as possible. It worked well until Aragorn suddenly noticed one day, out of the blue, that Legolas's ears were pointed. Aragorn had lived with elves all his life but it only just registered with him some time after, that Legolas had pointy ears and therefore must be an elf. Legolas sometimes was amazed at his friend's logic and perceptiveness of the world.  
  
The doorbell rang, the person at the front door evidently sick of banging their fist on the door. Legolas briefly wondered why they didn't try ringing the doorbell first, but he dismissed the thought, getting up to answer the door.  
  
Standing out on the front porch was Carson, still decked out in pink. Gandalf must have heard the doorbell for he stuck his head out into the hallway. For a brief second, he thought that Legolas and Carson looked freakishly similar. Well, if you made Legolas a bit shorter and Carson a bit taller, softened Legolas's jaw line, cut his hair, dressed either him in pink or Carson in green or blue, got Carson plastic surgery on his ears or cut Legolas's off, then they could pass as distantly related cousins.  
  
"Helloooo!" crooned Carson, giving the surprised elf a hug.  
  
"Uh, hi." Legolas said, wearing a confused and taken aback facial expression.  
  
Carson stood back and handed Legolas an envelope. The elf opened it but didn't get a chance to read the piece of paper inside for Carson began to talk again.  
  
"You and the rest of the fellowship are invited to a dinner party." He said, looking very pleased with himself. "At Haldir's" he added.  
  
"Haldir? A dinner Party?" Legolas asked, wondering if this was a joke or not. It was common knowledge that the farthest Haldir ever went when it came to providing meals for guests was buying an extra large bucket of fried chicken. "Is this the same Haldir that we're talking about?" Legolas wondered.  
  
Carson nodded. "Sure is." He replied. "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised when you see the new him."  
  
"New him?"  
  
"Mr Haldir, um, whatever his last name is, is now fully made over with a new attitude to match." Carson explained. He didn't give Legolas a chance to reply, spinning on his heel and skipping down the stairs from the front door. "See you at seven!" he called over his shoulder as he hurried back over to Haldir's.  
  
"That was weird." Legolas said to himself as he closed the door and wandered back into the house. He looked down at the piece of paper in his hand and he could not help but grin to himself when he discovered that there were nice identical pieces of paper stuffed into the envelope. Legolas looked down at one and nodded to himself. The piece of paper was actually an invitation. The elf didn't see the point of it, considering that Carson had basically just read the whole thing out to him. Another thing he though seemed pointless was the fact that each member of the fellowship had a separate invitation addressed to them. Even Boromir had one and Legolas began to wonder whether Haldir had worked out yet that Boromir was no longer part of the fellowship.  
  
"Who was that?" Gandalf asked, approaching Legolas.  
  
The elf handed Gandalf his invitation and shrugged. "Carson." He replied. "Apparently Haldir is having a dinner party and we're all invited."  
  
Gandalf beamed and all of a sudden seemed to be shaking with a sort of insane energy. He opened his mouth but Legolas interrupted, as the elf was prone to doing. "You are NOT wearing that red cocktail dress of yours." He said with his hands on his hips. Gandalf's smile fell and he sulked off to his bedroom.  
  
Legolas sauntered out into the kitchen, wondering what he should wear. He scanned the invitation and groaned inwardly when he saw that the dress code was to be formal. "I haven't worn a suit, since, well, since," he paused. "Aragorn's wedding."  
  
"What about my wedding?" asked the ranger, sticking his head through the back door when he heard Legolas's voice.  
  
Legolas turned to face him. "Haldir is having a dinner party." He explained, handing Aragorn his invitation. "And we're invited."  
  
"Get to the point already." Urged Aragorn.  
  
"Fine," replied the elf. "The invitation says that there is a formal dress code."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You know what that means."  
  
Aragorn gulped. "Suits and ties."  
  
Legolas nodded. "I was just thinking to myself that I haven't worn a suit since your wedding. And that was years ago."  
  
"At least you actually HAVE worn one before, I just wore my PJs at my wedding." Aragorn said.  
  
Legolas smacked his forehead. "So THAT is why Arwen called the wedding off." He said. "And frankly, I don't blame her."  
  
"What's wrong with my pyjamas?" Aragorn wanted to know.  
  
The elf sighed. "Nothing," he said. "EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THEY ARE FOR SLEEPING IN AND YOURS HAVE DUCKS ALL OVER THEM!!!" he exploded.  
  
"Sheesh, calm down Lego." The ranger said, stepping back.  
  
The elf got himself under control and glanced over at Aragorn. "Do you even have a suit?" his query was met with a shake of the head. "A tie?" another shake. "A smart pair of trousers?"  
  
The ranger nodded. "Yeah, I guess."  
  
"What do you mean 'I guess'?" asked Legolas suspiciously.  
  
"They are school pants." Said Aragorn. "But they really need an iron."  
  
"School pants?" Legolas asked, not able to believe that his friend still had his school trousers all these years from then. The elf didn't wait for Aragorn to reply. He sighed. "They'll have to do, unless any of my clothes fit you, which I seriously doubt." He paused. "All right then, I need some coffee," the elf said. "Wait for me in my room. And DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!" he yelled at Aragorn's retreating back.  
  
"Aye aye sir!" called the ranger over his shoulder.  
  
Legolas shook his head and went to make himself some coffee. Only after he was halfway through drinking it did he remember that he hated the stuff. However, the elf couldn't be bothered spitting it out or tipping the stuff down the sink, so he gulped the rest of the now luke-warm drink down his throat.  
  
Then he strode off down the hall towards his room. He threw open the door only to find Aragorn sitting cross-legged on his bed, going through a photo album.  
  
"I told you not to touch anything." The elf said, snatching the album off the ranger.  
  
"I was just looking." Pouted Aragorn.  
  
"Whatever," said Legolas, throwing open the doors to his wardrobe. He turned to Aragorn. "Go and get those pants of yours." He said and began rummaging around for a clean, fairy wrinkle free pair of trousers for himself.  
  
The ranger arrived back a few minutes later covered in dust and fluff, holding an armful of lumpy grey fabric in his arms. Legolas wrinkled his nose as he took the fabric off Aragorn, discovering that it was the pants Aragorn was on about. The elf tried not to look at them too much, for in his opinion, they were worse than Aragorn's hair, and that was certainly saying something.  
  
"They are putrid Estel." Legolas said, throwing the pants into the corner of the room. For the next few minutes all that was visible of the elf was his back end while his head was in the cupboard, ferreting around for something that might fit Aragorn. He found something and threw it at the ranger. Aragorn caught it but managed to tumble off the bed doing so.  
  
"Get up." Legolas said, his hands on his hips. "Try them on." He added gesturing to the pair of black trousers Aragorn now held.  
  
"Not while you're watching!" squeaked Aragorn. "Turn around."  
  
The elf sighed. "Fine." He said, turning around to face the contents of the open wardrobe while Aragorn tried on the pants. "They fit?" he called over his shoulder.  
  
"Sort of," came a squeaky reply.  
  
"Can I turn around?" Legolas asked.  
  
"I guess."  
  
The elf turned around and found it hard to suppress a chuckle when he saw how Aragorn was struggling to keep his gut tucked in. the pants were tight enough for him around the middle, and he hadn't been able to do up the zipper unless he sucked his belly in as far as it would go.  
  
The hems of the pants were also dragging on the floor for Legolas had longer legs than the ranger.  
  
"Got anything else?" Aragorn squeaked, evidently getting quite uncomfortable.  
  
The elf shrugged and began searching again.  
  
Twelve pairs of pants later, after Legolas had discovered several missing socks, a box of coloured pencils and a screwdriver set, the elf and the ranger were no closer to finding Aragorn a pair of pants that would fit.  
  
"What are we going to do?" Aragorn said, his elbow resting on the bedside table.  
  
"Doesn't seem like much we can do." Replied Legolas. His face lit up. "Unless."  
  
"Unless what?" asked the ranger.  
  
"Estel, grab my car keys." He said, striding out of the room.  
  
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TBC  
  
AN/ *giggles insanely* I hope everyone enjoyed reading that chapter because I don't think ive had that much fun writing anything for a considerable while. That was so fun! Hehe!  
  
It's a little longer than my usual chapters, to apologise for a crappy update just before Christmas.  
  
Right, thanks everyone for the reviews, they are awesome and make me feel all warm and fuzzy. So with no more delay, here are your replies.  
  
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Kawaii Elf Girl: Ack! So terribly sorry about the last chapter, it was complete poo. Hope this one made it up to you. I promise that I'm never ever ever ever going to write something that short ever again. Sorry you were bored. And you are still their travel agent, don't worry about that. Mwa haa haa. And tell Gloriollass that nagging is good, because if I never got nagged, then I'd never get around to doing anything. Hope you liked this chappie.  
  
Mr Bean: why is it that I always manage to write such long and boring messages to you when your reviews are about four sentences long? Hmm. seems to me like I need to get a life. Hehe. Anywhoosies, here goes the usual thing. thanks heaps for sticking with me here, I am VERY pleased that you are so keen to read this all the time. Sorry that the previous chapter, or rather the first version of this one was so pathetically crappy. I must make a mental note to never do that again. EVER! OOH! I just had the best idea. mwa haa haa. But you'll have to wait for the next chappie. Don't worry, it won't take long. Hehe. Actually, as soon as Ive finished writing this, I think I'll start the next chappie of this. *Giggle* rightio, now that I have wasted enough of your time, I shall let you get on with your life.  
  
Marissa03: MUST HAVE MORE FIC! In case you didn't get the hint, the next chappie of yours sometimes soon would be wonderful. Hehe. You are another I have to thank for sticking with me and this silly little fanfiction this long. But, I could go on forever, so I'll just thank you once and let your imagination convince you that I blabbed on and on for days. Right, I need a life. Thankyou! You rock! Hope you had a great Chrissie. yes I realise it's January already, sorry about that. Heh,  
  
Raven Demon: Why are all the people so nice to me in their reviews when I write a crap chapter? Anyway, forget about that, I am just very disappointed in myself cos the version of this chapter which I posted before Christmas is truly disgraceful. So sorry about that. Right, on to nicer things now, I hope you enjoyed that chappie, and yes, things will get a LOT more interesting. *Insert evil cackle here* right, thankyou.  
  
Anelith Wood: right, now I cant remember whether or not I replied to your reviews earlier so you'll just have to excuse me repeating myself if I have. I know exactly what you mean about teachers who stand behind you when you're doing something you're not really supposed to be doing. Oops, sorry if your teacher is standing behind you as you read this. hope I didn't get you in trouble. I also hope you had an excellent Christmas cos I know I did. despite the fact that there was no elf wrapped in shiny paper under the tree. Oh well, I shall just have to live with my new cd player thingy. Right, yes, I am annoying yes I am. I hope I didn't cause you to injure yourself again while reading this chapter. actually, who am I fooling? It wasn't that funny. just rather disturbed. The next one will be better, I promise! Despite the unfunnyness (that is Now officially a word) of this chapter, I hope you enjoyed it none the less.  
  
Nomad6: NELLIE!!!!!!! Ai, I have missed you so much. It is so wonderful to hear from you again, even if I am rather slow when it comes to replying. *Looks around nervously* yes, rightio. I have a favour to ask. would you mind proof reading my stuff? Considering it has been pointed out a couple of times by various people that my spelling and punctuation aren't really that good. Please? Cos then it would also give me an excuse to come online and talk to you. Right, now down to business. I am still impressed that you're still reading this strange little piece of wasted web space. Hehe. But you're right; I definitely need you there for inspiration. Remember the bus ride coming back to school from that VA excursion at the museum? How we sat on the floor and blabbered away about Legolas being a florist and Merry and Pippin deep-frying their mobile phones at work. Hehe. That was fun, even though sitting on the floor of a bus isn't that comfy. And you are one of the few people who are ok about Legolas being hit on the head so many times with various objects. I think I've made a few enemies by smacking the elf so many times on the head. and I don't think Leggie likes it much either. Look at me now, taking up all this space just ranting. Oh well, I shall continue to rant, for ranting is what I like to do. Hope your Christmas was wonderful, actually wait, I know it was cos you saw ROTK. Hehe. *Sigh* leggie. Miss you heaps. Bye.  
  
Inweofnargothrond: I can't remember whether or not I've replied to your reviews. If I have you'll have to ignore all this blabber. Right, onto business. Glad you liked chapters 7 and 8 cos 9 was a load of hobbit poop. I have never had parsnip soup either, but ive heard it is gross. Wait, I sort of remember typing this comment a while ago. oh well. Shall we see if Legolas really is the best swimmer? Maybe I could push him in the pool. Mwa haa haa. *cough cough* maybe not, Leggsie dearest might get cross at me. Hope you enjoyed the last chappie, and that it was plain enough for your liking. but not to plain.  
  
Oddwen - The Lone PFR Fan: I have been back for ages. Glad you managed to find this again and that its still vaguely amusing. even if its not, a good way to pass a boring Saturday afternoon. Hope the last chappie will pass your inspection. Hehe. Thanks heaps for reviewing.  
  
ChicagoGoth: your welcome! Thankyou for reviewing and reading! One more thing. YOU MUST WATCH QUEER EYE!! It is the best! Wait. I am getting the sneaking suspicion that I have replied to that comment you made before. Ah well. no matter.  
  
Banx: I'm Back! Wait. I've been back for a while. I'm going to shut up now. Actually, on second thought, not until I have bored you out of your mind with this strange, senseless comment. Mwa haa haa. Glad you liked chappies 7 and 8. Hope this one was as good. You like Aragorn's voices? Hmm, they might have to make a re appearance later. And about Haldy, you will certainly see a lot more of him in the next few chapters. Yay! And yeah, I got the TTT EE for Christmas. It is sooooo much better than the FOTR Extended edition. Lots more Leggie. actually, not that much leggie when I think about it, but heaps of great scenes. You listened to the cast audio commentary? Hehe, Craig Parker has a cute accent. My Grandma talks a bit like that, well, with the same kinda accent. Except more female. obviously. I love listening to different accents. Specially Pippin's it is so cute. Why would you pass out during a Craig Parker interview? I would be staying fully awake hanging onto every word. Hehe.  
  
Ave-Chan: Hello there! You liked it? Ooh I'm so happy now. I will continue this, be assured of that. Ok, in your review, you mentioned something about me writing something where Leggsie falls in love with some nice elf-girl. I am more than happy to do that, I just need to know whether you would prefer the regular, sane Legolas in the books and movies, or my insane, twisted, hyperactive version. Either way, I can think of some very amusing ideas. Thanks for the review, hope you liked this chapter as well.  
  
Enelya: GO LEGGIE! I luv Leggie. Hehe. Ah, I knew I'd made myself a few enemies by hitting Legolas so much with various objects. I think it's about time I laid off torturing him. But who says someone else can't torture him? *Insert evil laugh here* hehe. I love the Fab Five, they are awesome! Anywhoosies, hope you managed to find some new eyes and enjoyed this chapter. I hope I didn't cause you to poke your eyes out again. sorry if I did. Hehe. Thanks for reviewing.  
  
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That's it, that's this chapter done. Sorry if I missed anyone. Also, one more thing, cos I am a completely forgetful pea brain, could you all please tell me in your reviews if you want a cameo or not? I've decided to be nice and any one can have one. well, those who haven't yet get first priority over those who have already appeared in either this, or the first TF&TEND. I was just thinking it's about time that some reviewers have a bigger part in this story.  
  
Don't forget to review people, just click the little button and you have instantly made Lamoo very happy. And when Lamoo is happy, she tends to write quicker. and you all want that no?  
  
Hehe. Toodles all. Love Lamoo  
  
Ps. Nellie, I know I wrote this at the beginning, but I am paranoid and don't want you to forget. Would you consider proof reading the new chapters of my fan fictions? 


	10. Chapter 10, take 2

AN/ not bad eh? I am rather pleased with myself for updating so quickly. The waters of inspiration are flowing and I am really looking forward to getting down to the nitty gritty stuff in this chapter.  
  
Replies to Reviews will be at the end, as always.  
  
Disclaimer: Lookie over there! What? Don't you see it? Seriously, look! Come on! Don't tell me you can't see that Legolas is mine. *Sigh* ok fine, so I borrowed him for a while. But Aragorn is definitely mine, yup yup. There he is over there, vacuuming my bedroom floor. All right already, neither of them belong to me. All I'm doing is borrowing them and the rest of the fellowship plus a few others for today. Then I SWEAR I'll stick them back in their box after I'm done. If you haven't caught on my now that I own NOTHIN, NADDA, ZILCH in this fic, you need help.  
  
Thankyou Nellie (Nomad6) for beta-ing this chapter. Yay for Nellie! She made this chapter spelling and punctuation mistake free! Hopefully. ( Yay! A big chocolate cake for her and a kiss and a cuddle from the elf as her reward.  
  
Ah yes, one more thing. About Cameos. Yeah, I'm still quite happy to put people in, but I thought of something I left out. I need to know what you are like. That's just so I don't offend anyone by either making them too weird, or too boring in the story. All I need is a little note in the review telling me what you're like and then everyone's happy! Yay! Oh yes, all reviewers get big cupcakes with sprinkles and a hug from one character of their choice. Hehe.  
  
One more thing, I had to re-upload this chapter cos something weird happened last time. It looked like the whole chapter was just one big paragraph and there were no spaces between the ANs, the story and the review replies. Sorry about that, I realise that it must have made the chapter quite difficult to read. Hopefully it wont happen again.  
  
Right, here is chapter 10, take 2.  
  
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Chapter 10 ~ wow, double digits!  
  
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Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue, Legolas discovered that crowbars are virtually useless against stubborn wooden crates, the fellowship was invited to Haldir's for dinner, the elf, while escaping being walloped on the head, became violently ill when Gimli showed the world his orange Speedos. Aragorn meanwhile, had a bit of trouble finding some pants.  
  
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"Where are we going Lego?" Aragorn called as he raced after the elf down the hallway.  
  
"To get you some pants." Replied Legolas, picking up his car keys. "Hurry up." He called over his shoulder.  
  
The ranger and the elf stepped out the front door and nearly collapsed as forty-degree CELCIUS temperatures hit them in the face. Sweat began pouring off Aragorn's brow almost immediately and the elf looked decidedly uncomfortable in the heat.  
  
"Come on, the car has air conditioning." Said Legolas, making his way over to his precious silver Porsche. "Thank god." He added as he opened to driver's side door. Aragorn went around to the other side and climbed into the passenger seat. The elf closed the door as soon as he had slipped into his seat. He flicked a switch and cool air immediately began the make the whole car feel artic.  
  
"Why do you have your air conditioning so cold?" wondered the ranger as he did up his seat belt.  
  
"It balances out nicely." Legolas explained. "It's like a desert out there, so logically it should feel like the south pole in here." He added as he revved the engine and pulled out of the driveway.  
  
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Back at the fellowship's house, Gandalf was reading and re-reading his dinner party invitation in his bedroom. "No one is going to stop me from wearing what I want." He said to the bedside table.  
  
The wizard heard a knock on the door and bustled over to see who it was who was bothering him when it was clear that he was busy. He opened the door and saw a very distraught Frodo standing out in the hall.  
  
"What?" asked Gandalf irritably, his hands on his hips.  
  
Frodo's bottom lip trembled. "It's Pippin." He said, not far from tears.  
  
"What about Pippin?"  
  
"His parsnip. Percy." Explained Frodo.  
  
"Yes?" said the wizard getting impatient, wishing the hobbit would get to the point.  
  
Frodo burst into tears. "Percy fell in the pool." He blubbered. "Merry thinks he's drowned."  
  
"Why didn't you fish the vegetable out of the pool then?" Gandalf asked, showing extremely unusual logic.  
  
"Because Percy fell in the deep end. It's too deep for us hobbits, and Gimli wouldn't go near the water."  
  
"Why didn't you find Aragorn or that pesky elf?" the wizard wanted to know.  
  
"They're not here." Said Frodo wearily. "And the net that we use for scooping leaves out of the water is inside the back shed."  
  
"So?"  
  
"The keys are on Legolas's key chain."  
  
"And what do you expect me to do about it?" Gandalf asked the hobbit.  
  
Frodo looked reluctant to explain exactly what he and the other hobbits wanted Gandalf to do exactly. "Erm," he began in a small voice, sounding very much like Pippin on helium. "We were hoping you could get Percy out."  
  
"How?" asked the wizard? "You actually want me to get in the water?"  
  
Frodo nodded hopefully, a small smile gracing his features. Gandalf's face fell and he slammed the door in Frodo's, leaving the hobbit outside wondering to himself whether it was something he said.  
  
While Frodo was talking to Gandalf, Merry, Pippin and Sam were all gathered around the swimming pool in the backyard. Pippin was bawling and Merry even looked a little snivelly. Sam just looked thoughtful. He was racking his brains for a way to rescue Percy, even if it mean personally driving to the mall to find Aragorn or Legolas and getting one of them to get Percy out of the pool.  
  
"Oh Percy!" blubbered Pippin. "Why did thou have to leave me so soon?" Merry laid a comforting hand on his cousin's shoulder.  
  
"Don't worry Pip," he said. "The green grocer has some nice bananas."  
  
Pippin gasped, wondering when Merry started thinking such grotesque thoughts. "Bananas?"  
  
Merry nodded, wondering what planet Pip was off on. "Yeah, Bananas, those long things."  
  
"Please someone tell me he's talking about the fruit." Sam muttered to himself.  
  
"How could you be thinking of such things at a time like this?!" Pippin screeched through his tears. "I would expect such perverted thoughts from Gandalf, or Frodo maybe, but you?!"  
  
Merry raised his eyebrows. "I just thought that you might want something to replace Percy. A banana seemed like a good idea." He explained. "I noticed the other day when I went shopping with Frodo and Gimli, that the green grocer has nice bananas." Merry saw the look of horror on his cousin's face and suddenly seemed to wake up to what Pip though he was talking about. "You know, bananas, those yellow fruits? That you peel?"  
  
Pippin and Sam both heaved relieved sighs. "Just as well." Sam remarked.  
  
"Why? What were you thinking?" Merry asked suspiciously.  
  
"Nothing." Chorused the other two.  
  
Pippin gazed back at the water. Percy had accidentally been dropped in the deep end, the end that no one but Aragorn and Legolas, and sometimes Lamoo, would venture into. After all, that was where the pool cleaner lived, and the hobbits were terrified of the machine, which sucked scum and leaves off the bottom of their pool. Dimly the hobbits could see the blurry shape of something about the size of a skinny brick sitting on the bottom of the pool. The shape was Percy the parsnip.  
  
"I cant wait until we go on holidays." Remarked Sam, deciding now would be a good time to change the subject. The other two hobbits agreed wholeheartedly, dismissing Percy out of their minds instantly.  
  
At that moment Frodo came trudging back outside. "Gandalf wont help." He said miserably. "We can either wait until Legolas and Aragorn get back from wherever they went, or leave Percy."  
  
"Maybe we should leave him." Remarked Pippin, wiping his nose on his sleeve. "A proper burial at sea."  
  
"It's a swimming pool Pip." Merry told his cousin.  
  
"So?" Pippin wanted to know. "Same thing isn't it?"  
  
"Uh no." Frodo replied. "Besides, if we do leave Percy there, he will probably decompose and next time Legolas is swimming laps, he'll probably come across the parsnip and we'll all have to listen to the lecture he gives us every time we leave something sitting to fester on the bottom of the pool."  
  
"What have we left down there before?" Merry wanted to know.  
  
"Well," began Frodo. "Aragorn's tap shoes, the cake Gimli made, Haldir's budgerigar," he said, counting the items off on his fingers. "Will Turner, well, actually, that was sort of a good thing." He added. "But we've dropped cd players, printer ink cartridges, incense, week old tuna melt, mouldy blueberry muffins..."  
  
"Ok, we get the point." Merry said, rolling his eyes.  
  
Suddenly Gimli strode out into the backyard. "Have you seen the elf?" he asked.  
  
Pippin nodded. "Yeah, he's tall, got blonde hair, pointy ears, has an unhealthy fondness for green clothes..."  
  
Gimli sighed in annoyance. "What I meant is have you seen him around today? I'd like to discus a little matter involving my yellow knitting wool with him."  
  
"Knitting wool?" Sam asked. "What would mister Legolas do with wool?"  
  
Gimli shrugged, "That is what I wanted to ask him." He replied. "My stock of it has gone missing."  
  
"And why would Legolas want it?" Frodo wanted to know.  
  
Gimli shrugged again. "How should I know? All I know is that I found a strand on blonde hair on my bed spread."  
  
"Isn't Legolas's hair sorta red-ish at the moment?" Pippin wondered.  
  
"Oh." Was the only answer the dwarf came up with, as he realised, to his dismay, that Legolas had not stolen his yellow knitting wool.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Legolas and Aragorn were driving around in circles in the car park at the mall now, looking for a car space.  
  
"Over there!" yelled the ranger.  
  
"Where?" came the reply.  
  
"There?"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"There!" yelled Aragorn, pointing.  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Right there." replied the ranger before he paused. "Never mind," he remarked as the space disappeared when a little old lady in a fluorescent green car parked there. "Haven't I seen that car somewhere before?" he asked himself.  
  
"No idea." Replied the elf, his eyes still scanning the packed car park for a space.  
  
Aragorn nearly choked when he saw the butterflies painted on the side of the car. The number plate was 'KOG 253'. The ranger knew that this car once used to belong to him. For one thing, not many people owned lime green cars with butterflies, two, KOG stood for King Of Gondor, and 253, was for the 25th of March, Aragorn's birthday.  
  
"Lego!" yelled the ranger. "That's my car!" he yelled.  
  
"I thought yours was parked in the garage." Mused the elf.  
  
"No, remember, it got towed a few weeks ago, cos I parked it at the football field."  
  
"You mean ON the football field." Chuckled Legolas. "I thought you got it back."  
  
"I never did." Replied Aragorn.  
  
"It doesn't matter now. That woman owns it." Said Legolas, as he suddenly spied a car space.  
  
"But it's mine! She isn't a king of Gondor!" Aragorn argued as Legolas put his foot down and the silver Porsche sped around a corner and right into a space, only just managing to avoid colliding with a large green mustang.  
  
"Watch it arsehole!" yelled the driver, winding down his window. Legolas gave him the finger and pulled the key out of the ignition. Evidently the driver of the mustang didn't seem to eager to leave Legolas alone.  
  
"That was my car space!" he argued, opening the door and stepping out. A woman climbed from the passenger seat into the drivers and sat at the wheel. Aragorn was sure he recognised the pair of people. Both of them had long, wavy blonde hair, but it was dark blonde, rather than almost silver like Legolas's hair had been before Haldir decided that the elf's hair should be red.  
  
The guy who had been driving the mustang had hair down to his shoulders and a close-cropped beard and moustache. He was garbed in faded jeans and a T- shirt that had a large horse motif on it. The woman sitting at the wheel wore a white, gauzy top and her hair hung down like a curtain over her face.  
  
Aragorn's attention was turned back to the bloke when he began yelling offensive things at the elf. Legolas was chuckling to himself at the insults, replying with curt, witty remarks.  
  
Realization dawned on Aragorn... "Eomer?" he asked, stepping forward to stop Eomer from breaking Legolas's nose. The man was almost twice as broad across the shoulders but Legolas was a good few inches taller. The elf looked calm, almost like he was enjoying himself.  
  
"Aragorn?" Eomer said, amazed. "What are you doing here?" he asked, forgetting about Legolas and embracing Aragorn.  
  
"Preventing you from killing Legolas." He replied. "Actually we came to buy some pants."  
  
Eomer raised his eyebrows. "What happened to Arwen? I thought you and her were married?" he asked Aragorn. "Hang on a second." He added, stepping back to the car where he instructed the woman, who Aragorn presumed to be his sister Eowyn, to park the car. "Anyway, are you and Legolas together?"  
  
Aragorn gasped and Legolas saw he clearly looked shocked. The ranger regained his composure and shook his head. "No, Lego and I are just friends." He replied. "Arwen called our wedding off."  
  
"Because Aragorn wore his pyjamas." Legolas hissed into Eomer's ear. The man snorted and Aragorn continued.  
  
"What brings you here?" he asked.  
  
Eomer flashed a smile. "Eowyn and I were invited to some dinner thing tonight." He replied. "Got an invitation from some guy, I can't remember who." He said. "Apparently he fought at Helms Deep. Some elf dude."  
  
"Haldir?" Legolas suggested.  
  
"I think might have been it." Replied Eomer. "Say, wasn't he the one with the red cloak who died?"  
  
"Firstly, how would you know he had a red cloak?" Legolas asked. "You didn't arrive until the battle was practically over. And secondly, Haldir didn't die. He just pretended he was dead so no more orcs would attack him."  
  
"He didn't want to really get skewered, so he played dead." Aragorn explained.  
  
"Oh, I see." Replied Eomer awkwardly. There was a clomp clomp of high heels and Eoywn came strutting towards the three.  
  
"You are totally useless at finding car spaces Eomer." She said, rolling her eyes. "There are literally heaps of them just around there," she added, pointing towards a different section of the car park. "Come on!" she urged her brother. "We have to go and buy me dress now."  
  
"Dress?"  
  
Eomer nodded. "Yup, for Haldir's dinner party thingo."  
  
"Right." Replied Aragorn. "Bye then." He added as Eomer and Eoywn disappeared into the elevator.  
  
"Let's go." Said Legolas as he locked the car and pocketed the keys. "I want to get those pants, and go home." He added,  
  
"Fine." Said Aragorn. The pair set off and it wasn't long before they were browsing different clothes shops in search of a decent pair of pants for the ranger.  
  
"Try them, and them and them." Said Legolas, tossing Aragorn three pairs of the same type of pants in three different sizes. Aragorn disappeared without a word into the dressing rooms and emerged again looking like he had just been thrown into a leather jump suit. "No?" Legolas said, tossing his friend another pair and taking the armful back from Aragorn. He put them back on the racks and waited for the ranger to emerge again. He did, and the pants still did not fit. "Try this pair." Legolas said, handing Aragorn yet another pair.  
  
"You nearly done?" Legolas called, leaning on the wall.  
  
"I can't get them off." Said Aragorn from behind the curtain.  
  
"What do you mean you can't get them off?" Legolas wondered.  
  
"Exactly what I said!" came the reply. "I can't get these pants off!"  
  
"What? Is the zipper stuck?"  
  
"No, the fabric is stuck to my legs. It's like that shiny leather stuff that the people in the Matrix have. Except tighter." Replied Aragorn.  
  
"Then just sort of peel them off." The elf said, ignoring the strange glances he was getting from other shoppers. Aragorn replied with a little squeak and told Legolas that he couldn't. "Let me see." Legolas said.  
  
"No!" Aragorn squeaked. "You'll laugh."  
  
"So? Get over it. I'll laugh anyway." Said the elf. "It's just that if we can't figure a way to get them off, you'll be wearing those home, to Haldir's and for the rest of your life."  
  
"Fine." Agreed the ranger reluctantly, pulling aside the curtain just enough for Legolas to stand inside the change room.  
  
The elf tried his best to stifle the chuckles but it was either laugh, or piss himself. Not much choice really. Legolas sniggered as he saw Aragorn's predicament. The ranger was sitting on the bench in the change room, trying to peel the pants off. The pants clung to him like honey.  
  
"Stand up and stand still." Legolas ordered. Aragorn hopped to his feet and Legolas tried to yank down the pants. This was to no avail and just made Aragorn feel even more embarrassed and made Legolas more frustrated. The elf tried to rid his friend of the pants for a good ten minutes, grunting in frustration as he tried.  
  
A voice floated in from the other side of the curtain. "Excuse me sir,"  
  
Legolas stuck his head out the curtain. "What?"  
  
The sales girl looked taken aback. "There's two of you in there?!" she asked, stunned.  
  
Legolas nodded. "Yeah, I can't get my friend's pants off." He explained.  
  
All of a sudden, Lamoo and Mr Bean appeared and Mr Bean proceeded to strangle the authoress for being so perverted and thinking stranger than usual thoughts in this chapter.  
  
"FIRST GIMLI IN SPEEDOS NOW THIS!" he yelled, choking Lamoo.  
  
"What can I say?" she wondered. "Too much sugar."  
  
"You always blame it on the sugar!" argued Mr Bean before both of them disappeared in a puff of bright purple smoke.  
  
"Okay then." Said the sales girl, thinking that she was in desperate need of some coffee, and/or some sane company.  
  
"Would you mind helping me get Estel's pants off?" Legolas asked politely.  
  
The sales girl took that simple statement entirely the wrong way and she left, screaming blue murder. Legolas shook his head and closed the curtain again.  
  
"What did she say?" Aragorn wanted to know.  
  
"She didn't say very much." The elf replied, tugging at the bottom of the pants. "She just looked at me strangely before she ran away."  
  
"Hmm, strange girl." Remarked the ranger with a shrug.  
  
Legolas heaved a sigh. "I think we might be getting these pants." He said, glancing at Aragorn. The ranger's shoulders slumped. "It's ok," Legolas said, trying to cheer his buddy up. "They're quite nice. Besides, a little bit of butter and they'll come right off once we get home." He added. "Go and pick another pair." He said. "I doubt you'll want to be wearing that pair to Haldir's once we buttered them."  
  
"Okay." Said the ranger, perking up a bit. He skipped out of the change room and quickly selected a pair of smart blue trousers.  
  
"Happy?" Legolas asked, suddenly spying something. "Wait for me at the checkout." He told Aragorn before he began delving through racks of clothes. He found what he was looking for. "What do you think?" he asked, holding up a pale purple paisley shirt.  
  
"I've seen it somewhere before." Remarked Aragorn thoughtfully.  
  
The elf shrugged. "I like it." He said before he picked out a few other things. Aragorn didn't get to see what they were exactly before Legolas took him and their purchases over to the cash register.  
  
"How are you today?" asked the sales clerk.  
  
"Very well thankyou." Replied the elf politely.  
  
"Is that all?" asked the clerk once he'd finished putting Legolas's purchases into a bag.  
  
"And these ones too please." He added before he motioned for Aragorn to sit up on the counter. The clerk did little more than raise an eyebrow before he punched a few buttons on the cash register.  
  
"That'll be seventy four dollars please." He said. Legolas handed him the money and the clerk handed the elf the bags. "Have a nice day."  
  
"You too." Replied the elf before he and Aragorn strode out of the store. "Well, that's done." He sighed. "I don't think I could take any more of mustard orange trousers."  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"The orange pants? Didn't you see them?" wondered Legolas. His query was met with a slow shake of the head. "They were horrible." He said with a shake of the head. "I want to go home." He remarked.  
  
"Me too." Replied Aragorn. The pair set off back to the car, bags swinging.  
  
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TBC  
  
AN/ that chapter didn't take very long at all to write. I had this really great idea for something too, but it never made it into this chapter. I can probably squeeze it into the next one, so stay tuned.  
  
Also, the fellowship will be embarking on their lovely holiday soon. Just warning you.  
  
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Okay, reviews.  
  
DaredevilX: Do I take it that you liked the last one? Judging by the huge amount of giggles I think its pretty safe to assume so. I think its also pretty safe to assume that there is more than one frying pan of doom... arg, evil spawn. You'd better now let Legolas see that frying pan, or he might be forced to chop you into little bitty pieces with a spoon. Yes, rightio then. But of course Legolas is wonderful, why wouldn't he be. I am so sorry I had to make him see the dwarf in Speedos, but that part was just a bit of a running joke with a friend. Glad you found it somewhat amusing, if not wholly disturbing. And I hope you are satisfied with Aragorn's pants. Well, put it this way, you had better be, because for the time being, they are stuck. Oh yes, and I'm sure if you ask Legolas nicely he'll recommend a good pharmacy where he gets his happy pills from. Sometimes they run out though, but neat sugar is an excellent substitute. Thankyou so much for the reviews, now I feel all warm and fuzzy. (  
  
Leggie: longer review! Now bad there Leggie! Hey, do you think other people reading this bit will wonder why the hell you are called Leggie when it is quite clear you're life mission is to hunt him down and stuff him in a blender. Say, that gives me an evil idea. Sorry I didn't manage to stick my evil idea I had last time in this chapter, I should be able to put it in the next one, hopefully. Ah yes, terribly sorry about you being scared for life... how do you think I feel? I WROTE IT! Now it haunts me. Mwa haa haa, that was sugar. But if you continue to have bad mental images of Gimli, then I think I can recommend a good doctor... Arwen. Mwa haa haa. Erm yes right, I definitely think I am way too hypo for my own good. Mwa. Luv ya. Actually, wait, one more thing... the one thing that annoys me about you... STOP THANKING ME! Please! If you say 'thanks for posting up that chapter' or something similar one more time, I will be forced to hire Legolas and Arwen to put YOU in a blender. Hehe. I am evil. Toodles. Mwa.  
  
Nomad6: and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps. *Cough cough.* you get the idea. I wasn't being sarcastic when you said that I miss your erm, 'inspiration'. I really don't think this story is going to be the same... probably quite disturbing instead of amusing now. Ah well, at least I have you beta-ing, which helps me retain what's left of my sanity. Hehe. And this IS wasted web space! I dubbed it wasted web space, so wasted web space it shall remain forever more! Yes, rightio. Ah yes, rolls of loo paper in handbags are very useful, especially during teary scenes of movies. I wish LOTR hadn't ended. Hey, you know what? They have set it up perfectly for a sequel... despite the fact that it will never happen... one little problem, Tolkien can't really write anymore. Hmm, maybe they'll do the hobbit, that would be seriously cool. Hehe. Wait, maybe not... no Leggie. ( I do love Leggsie dearest, my obsession is bordering on very unhealthy. I am running out of wall space... too many posters. Wait, you can never have too many posters of Legolas. Hehe. Oh dear, I have to go now and make a salad for dinner... I'm serious... cucumber is yucky. Just thought I'd add that. Toodles then. Ah yes, you don't really have to both editing the replies is make to reviews, people aren't going to mind grammatical errors there so much. Don't waste your time chummy. So toodles then. Miss you heaps, as always. Oh yeah, before I forget, I heard you saw Rach a few days ago... I'm not sure how many a few is, rach told me via msn. Ok, salad time.  
  
Aelimir: you really think the last chapter was the best in a long time? Dinner party should be fun. Wanna come? But then again, the vacation will be the best thing I have ever written hopefully. Ah yes, certainly, a Cameo for you *waves magic wand* there you are. Do you mind where I put you in? or do you have any preferences. And yes, there will be more pirates; I do love the silly pair. And Gollum, hmm, maybe he could be a flight hostess. I like the tux idea for the dinner party, that sounds cool. And you're right, it would be interesting to see what colour he ends up when tanned. Hope this chapter passed your careful inspection. Thanks for reviewing. (  
  
Marissa03: hello there chummy. You've started your next chap? Yay! I am so very very happy now! And I do wish all guys were like the fab five, actually, some regular guys can be ok, but I know a hell of a lot that should be shoved in blenders. Actually, Legolas is better than the fav five... being an elf certainly helps. But yeah, I love the fab five, not only are they just so damn entertaining, but they are really sweet and cute too. Anywhoosies, thanks for reviewing, I really love t hear what you have to say about this. Toodles.  
  
Oddwen - The Lone PFR Fan: you hadn't watched POTC before then?! Where have you been? Oh well, you've seen it now. I wish you'd told me you hadn't seen it, cos then I might have made will and jack a little easier to understand... actually, they're weird enough even after having watched the movie, and they are so OOC in this fic it doesn't really matter. You really should watch Queer eye for the straight eye, then all the Fab Five stuff would make sense. There's five of them, obviously, and they're so sweet. Anywhoosies, thanks for the reviews.  
  
Anelith Wood: hellosies how's life? I wish our teachers would just let us do whatever we wanted on the net. But sadly, they are all complete mingy poos and ban us from the Internet if we even so much as mention something on the Internet that might be 'un-educational' grr. Stupid teachers. Anyway, very very pleased that you liked the last chapter. I have a ton of fun writing it and it is always nice when someone enjoys reading it as much as I enjoyed coming up with it. Lego... Speedos... mwa. Yum. Sorry I scared you for life with Gimli and his orange ones. Wont happen again... well, not in the immediate future anyway. Mwa haa haa. I got the ROTK soundtrack for Chrissie... would have preferred an elf... but who wouldn't. And yes of course you can have a cameo. Any particular place you want to appear? Or will you just leave it to my imagination? Doesn't make much difference to me, I'm glad that you still want to be involved. One Cameo coming up. *Waves magic wand* rightio, this reply is almost longer than the initial review you sent me. Thanks for sticking with me. Hope you liked this chappie.  
  
Elenya: randomness would have to be one of the sweetest things in the world. Except Legolas. Mwa. Screwdrivers on the other hand are about as random as it gets. I was just thinking up odd things to put in Legolas's wardrobe when I thought about a friend of mine. He won a screwdriver set at archery. Yup, archery... and its quite strange cos he hates Legolas. Yes, anyway, now I'm the one being random. Ooh, would you like me to find a way that the screwdrivers ended up in Leggie's wardrobe? And Aragorn is dim... only Pippin is dimmer really. And if you want to give Lego mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, you'll have to beat me to it. Ai Pippin, what a little goofball. And I agree wholeheartedly, international flights suck... way too long. Actually Bali from Sydney is ok, only 4 hours compared to the 9 it takes to get the Thailand. I like the idea of Merry and Pippin in the overhead luggage compartment. Hehe. Think I might use that one. Thankyou so, so much for reviewing, hope you liked this chappie, cos it was almost as random as the previous one.  
  
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Thankyou guys, as I have said before and will say time and time again, reviews are wonderful, so keep em coming!  
  
Love Lamoo. 


	11. The dinner party

AN/ again, sorry about the last chapter, all the spaces between paragraphs disappeared and made it a pain in the arse to read. Sorry. I did reload the chapter though.  
  
Also terribly sorry this chapter took so long. School has started again, groan, so I don't have as much free time on my hands with the horrible onset of maths homework... shudder I know I am never much good at updating regularly anyway, but please bear with me if I neglect this a little. I will try my level best not to, but if you don't hear from me for a while, you will know that I have probably been eaten by my maths textbook.  
  
Tremendous Thankies to Nellie (nomad6) again for beta-ing this chapter. Because the elf is busy teaching Pippin to tie his shoelaces, (even though hobbits don't tend to wear shoes) Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are hers for the day.  
  
Disclaimer: Lamoo bangs head on wall before she proceeds to explain that she owns nothing in this fanfiction, apart from some of the ideas. Ah yes, she also wishes to tell people that if they want to use elements of this story in their own stuff, that is perfectly fine with her, as long as you give her the link so she can have a read of it once its done. (  
  
Replies to reviews at the end of this chapter as usual.  
  
Has anyone else noticed my author notes at the beginning of this chapter seem unusually short? Hmm, never mind, maybe it's just me.  
  
Wait, one more thing about temperatures... 40 degrees Celsius is very hot, sweaty and horrible. 30 F is about 6 C (I think it could be less)  
  
Ok, I'll get on with it now.  
  
Chapter 11  
  
In the previous Chapter of TF&TEND: the adventures continue, Percy had a bit of an accident, Legolas and Aragorn discovered that Eomer can get quite irked when he doesn't get a car park, Aragorn became stuck in a new pair of pants and the ranger's car was spied for the first time in at least 25 chapters.  
  
Legolas and Aragorn were striding briskly through the shopping centre, bags swinging wildly. The ranger had to walk very fast to keep up with the elf's long strides, but his legs were somewhat restricted by his skin-tight pants.  
  
"Keep up Estel," Legolas called over his shoulder as he stepped onto the escalator.  
  
Legolas looked over his shoulder to make sure that Aragorn was following but stopped in his tracks as soon as he saw that the ranger was not tagging along behind him. "Estel?" called Legolas, scanning the area. He called out Aragorn's name again before he caught sight of the ranger gawking at something shiny and black in a shop window.  
  
The elf strode briskly over to Aragorn and found himself rolling his eyes at what the ranger was gazing at. A mannequin dressed in a large, shiny, black trench coat stood in the window. Aragorn was gazing at it with glassy eyes and Legolas could swear he saw drool dribbling out the corner of Aragorn's gawping mouth. "Aragorn?" the elf said, not sure if the ranger could hear him, being pretty sure that Aragorn was off in his own little world filled with Matrix trench coats and monopoly money. Legolas waved his hand in front of his friend's face and Aragorn snapped back to reality.  
  
"What are you doing?" Legolas asked the ranger.  
  
"Looking," came the simple reply. Aragorn turned his attention back on the beloved matrix trench coat in the shop window and the glassy, glazed looked appeared in his eyes again. It reminded Legolas strangely of Elrond on the verge of a temper tantrum. "Come on," said the elf. "We have to go."  
  
"Why?" whined Aragorn, pressing his nose up to the glass.  
  
Legolas suddenly became aware of the people sending shifty glances his way. He didn't even bother wondering why, for he was pretty sure that a grown man pressing his face up against a shop window and a blonde elf trying to persuade him patiently to follow along like a little child wouldn't be one that happened in the mall everyday. But then Legolas noticed the marks on the glass caused by people putting their noses on the glass. Many of them were too high up to have been made by little kids, and Legolas thought grimly that perhaps other grown men tended to gawk in front of the shop with the matrix coat on a fairly regular basis. However, the elf really wanted to get home so he grabbed Aragorn by the sleeve.  
  
"Come along," he said firmly. "Or we'll be late for Haldir's dinner party," he explained slowly, as if he was talking to a foreign five year old that hadn't quite got the whole concept of the English language.  
  
"Can I get that?" Aragorn asked, pointing to the coat in the window.  
  
Legolas shook his head. "No Estel," he replied. "We don't have time."  
  
"Why not!" whinged Aragorn. He saw the fleeting look of annoyance and frustration that passed over Legolas's face. "Please Legolas? Maybe it can be an early birthday present?" he suggested, using the softer, more persuasive approach to get what he wanted.  
  
"Fine," said the elf, grabbing the ranger's arm and strutting into the store. He looked around for the sales clerk to ask if they had any of the big black coats for Aragorn to try on.  
  
He glanced over to the counter and spied a young lady with a chestnut bob wearing a pale blue blouse and a short black mini skirt. Legolas strode over, about to speak to the clerk before she looked up and Legolas nearly had a heart attack.  
  
"What does the nasty elf want with us preciousss?" asked the girl, and it occurred to Legolas all of a sudden that the sales girl was not a girl at all, but rather Smeagol trying a new look.  
  
Legolas hurriedly sought to regain his composure and as soon as he got over the shock, he let his smooth, suave side come in while he politely asked Smeagol about Aragorn's beloved coat. However, he couldn't quite help not mentioning the fact that last time he saw Smeagol at work, work was at the supermarket.  
  
"The tricksy, fat store manager saids they had to let us go," Smeagol explained, hopping up from the stool behind the counter and striding over to a rack near the change rooms. "In other words, we was fired preciouss," he exclaimed, rifting through the various sizes of black trench coat for Aragorn's size. "So we applies for the new jobs here and we gets it, oh yes we does my love."  
  
Legolas simply nodded not sure what to say. He really wanted to know exactly why Smeagol was fired but his logical, polite side told him that he probably shouldn't ask. Then he realised that perhaps he didn't want to know.  
  
"Get the stupid human to try these ones on," Smeagol said, handing the tall blonde elf several sizes of the same, in Legolas' opinion ghastly, coat. The elf in turn, tossed them into Aragorn's waiting arms and ushered him into the change rooms. Much to Legolas's relief, it took barley seconds for the ranger to leap out of the change room with the correct size coat.  
  
Legolas handed Smeagol his credit card, wanting to be done with the whole trench coat business and go home. The transaction was completed in no time, and only a few minutes later, Aragorn came skipping wearing his new coat, which matched his clinging pants perfectly. Out of the store Legolas followed behind, not quite sure what to think now that he knew that he'd just spent $400 on a coat for Aragorn, who would probably get bored of it within a week.  
  
Aragorn ran ahead to the car and waited there for a few minutes before the elf arrived. Legolas opened the door and slid into the drivers' seat. He was very tempted to just pull out of the parking space and drive away without the ranger, but his common sense told him that if he did, Lamoo would be on his tail faster than he could say his fathers full name. Mind you, that could take a while, especially with all the tricky pronunciation. The point is, that Legolas allowed Aragorn to clambour into the car BEFORE he started the engine and began driving towards home.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the fellowship's house, the hobbits had given up on Percy, leaving the parsnip to the mercy of the pool chemicals and the thing that vacuumed up the leaves on the bottom.  
  
Gimli was debating with himself about who could have possibly taken his yellow wool and Gandalf was in his bedroom STILL trying to decide what to wear to Haldir's dinner party. Haldir of course was going through the final stages of his makeover and Lamoo would like to assure her readers that Haldir now wishes that he had warning before the fab 5 were set loose on him.  
  
At that precise moment, Merry and Pippin were parked in front of the TV, as usual, watching Monty Python: The Life of Brian. They had a peculiar habit of watching the endings of movies before they went back and watched the whole thing again, they were currently singing along with 'the bright side of life'.  
  
"Always look on the bright side of death. Right before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shit When you look at it Life's a laugh, deaths a joke its true You'll see its all a show Keep em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you," sung the pair, swaying backwards and forwards to the music.  
  
Then Pippin tried to whistle and just ended up spitting all over the TV screen, which he was sitting merely inches away from, Merry snickered and found himself being smacked over the head. Pippin giggled a bit and the other hobbit was quite surprised to see that he was over Percy the parsnip already. But then, thought Merry, Monty Python always makes everyone feel better, even Elrond during a particular time of the month.  
  
Sam was in the kitchen, cooking, as usual. This time he was trying to follow a recipe for a weird fancy desert from a Jamie Oliver cookbook. As he cooked, he did a running commentary for anyone who might care, and even threw in a few little "Lovely Jubbleys" for effect. However, no one was listening, and no one did care, not even Frodo, for he was sitting in the study browsing the Internet. After checking each of his fifteen email accounts, he was looking for the most luxurious, most expensive hotel in Bali. Seeing as how the trip Legolas had won was all expenses paid, Frodo figured they might as well take advantage and indulge in every single thing they could get away with. After a bit of searching he found a lovely hotel on Sanur beach, actually right ON the beach with wonderful ocean views and deluxe honeymoon suites. He chose to ignore the fact that the rooms he had choses were honeymoon rooms, and only had one bed, but he didn't see why each member of the fellowship couldn't have their own room.  
  
The hobbit grinned to himself, spun around a few times on the spinning chair before he clicked onto the msn messenger conversation that had just popped up. He made himself comfortable and found that the person on msn was Bilbo.  
  
They discussed several things that afternoon, including Legolas's mood swings, potatoes and the collection of home movies belonging to Pippin, which currently resided at Elrond's house. Neither hobbit knew exactly what Elrond would want/or need the videos for and they were both sure that they didn't really want to find out.  
  
Frodo heard a car pull into the drive way and said good-bye to Bilbo before he signed off MSN. He left the study and wandered out into the lounge room, just in case Legolas caught him on the Internet talking about him. Frodo told Merry and Pippin that if anyone asked, he had been in front of Monty Python the whole afternoon.  
  
The latch on the door clicked and in sauntered Aragorn in a very happy mood. Frodo had to look twice to make sure that the black leather clad figure waltzing around the living room was actually the dark haired ranger. Legolas strode in behind, flashed a very un-interesting smile at the hobbits before he marched off to the bathroom to have a shower before Haldir's dinner party.  
  
Just as the elf disappeared around the corner there was a crash and several swear words, some in elvish uttered by Legolas and others in some other tongue that sounded like they were being spoken by someone who had just swallowed a whole porcupine and had no throat lozenges at their disposal.  
  
"What the !#$ do you think you were doing?!" yelled the elf, storming back into view.  
  
Gandalf sidled around the corner behind him, red in the face, but with a blue beard. "I was walking to the kitchen to tip my paint down the sink!" he bellowed. The hobbits had all turned around and were watching the argument with interest. Aragorn ignored the arguing pair, quite used to Legolas getting pissed off at various people. The ranger pounced on the couch and quickly turned off Monty Python so he could watch cartoons.  
  
Legolas yelled a few pieces of incomprehensible elvish at Gandalf, which none of the other fellowship members could understand. Obviously the wizard did understand parts of the very rude, very loud, very abusive sentence and reddened in the face further. The hobbits saw his hands shaking, which in turn made more blue paint slop onto his beard.  
  
How did this happen you ask? Well, Gandalf had decided that if he wasn't allowed to wear his red cocktail dress to Haldir's party, then he would wear a blue one. The only problem was of course that he didn't own a blue silk cocktail dress. So, he did the only thing an intelligent cough cough individual would do... He painted his red dress blue.  
  
He had just finished and had been carrying the container of blue paint into the kitchen to clean up when Legolas had strode briskly around the corner at that precise moment. The elf and the wizard bashed into each other, sending blue paint all down the front of Legolas's shirt, which was blue already, and Gandalf's beard.  
  
Legolas didn't even bother to wait for a reply after he screamed a bit more at Gandalf until he himself was red in the face and could hear the blood pounding in his ears. He stormed off to his bedroom and as he slammed the door, several tacky ornaments toppled forwards off the shelves in the living room and smashed on the floor.  
  
Gandalf muttered curses under his breath and stomped off to the kitchen to try and work out how to get the blue paint out of his beard.  
  
"I think Lamoo has an unhealthy obsession with putting various coloured things through people's hair and beards," commented Merry knowledgeably. Frodo and Pip nodded in agreement before they turned back to the TV, only to find that Aragorn had turned off their precious Monty Python and was now glued to the powerpuff girls.  
  
Two hours later, the powerpuff girls marathon ended and by them, the whole fellowship, including Legolas and Gandalf, were all crowded around the TV. In fact, the antics of the cartoon characters had somewhat of a hypnotizing effect on the group.  
  
The last episode ended and Aragorn leapt to his feet, glancing to the clock on the wall.  
  
"What time is Haldir's party thing?" he asked anyone who might answer.  
  
The hobbits shrugged and Aragorn wondered why he bothered asking when he knew the hobbits never knew anything useful. Gandalf also shrugged, as did Legolas. Both elf and wizard were perfectly chummy now. Legolas taking advantage of the blue paint all over him and giving himself bright blue streaks in his hair before the paint on his shirt dried. Gandalf meanwhile, still had his bright blue beard, but had his arm slung over the elf's in a particularly friendly manner.  
  
Gimli spoke up just as Aragorn was about to give up hope that anyone knew the answer to his question. It didn't occur to him that to find out what time Haldir's dinner party started, all he had to do was to glance at the invitation which was stuck to the fridge with a particularly ghastly magnet in the shape of pair of flippers.  
  
"Starts in about three minutes," said the dwarf matter-of-factly.  
  
Aragorn saw Legolas's eyes bulge when he found out that he did not have a whole two hours to get dressed. The hobbits also looked surprised, wondering how on earth they could have stayed still for two hours without noticing. Suddenly Sam leapt up in alarm and sprinted to the kitchen.  
  
A minute later, smoke came gushing out of the doorway and the rest of the fellowship saw Sam come trudging out holding his burnt desert mournfully.  
  
"Don't worry Sam," said Legolas. "There's some ice cream in the freezer that I bought to take to Haldir's."  
  
Merry and Pippin exchanged worried looks, only just figuring out then what the ice cream had been for before they had eaten it. They did not want to think about how Legolas would react when he found out that the ice cream that he thought was in the freezer wasn't actually there at all. Pippin made a quick decision to tell Legolas what happened to the ice cream, because he knew that if the elf found out on his own there would be even more strife.  
  
However, Pippin came up with a clever lie that would be believable but that would also prevent Legolas from beating the snot out of anyone. "Legolas?"  
  
The elf turned to the hobbit and raised his eyebrows in question. "Hmm?"  
  
Pippin nibbled on his fingernail, trying to find the best way the phrase his fib. He took a deep breath and began. "Well, I saw Jack Sparrow and Will Turner sitting on the deck of their ship eating ice cream."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I checked in the freezer a few hours ago for some those frozen slices of pizza from three months ago, and I didn't see any ice cream in there."  
  
Legolas laughed. "Oh, I see, its been eaten," he said, remarkably good spirited about it all. "The pirates must have eaten it. I suspected you hobbits would actually, which is why I bought a spare tub."  
  
Pippin sighed with relief but saw Frodo and Sam tense beside him. He didn't need to ask to know that they had eaten Legolas's spare tub of butterscotch swirl ice cream. The elf also saw the reactions of the hobbits and sighed audibly. "And it's been eaten too hasn't it?"  
  
The hobbits all nodded guiltily.  
  
"I hope Haldir has plenty of desert," mused Aragorn. Suddenly he noticed the clock and saw that they all had under twenty five seconds to be ready, dressed and over at Haldir's. "Will he mind if we're late?"  
  
Legolas shrugged. "He'd better not," he replied before in a flurry of strawberry blonde hair with blue streaks, which had previously been red, the elf was gone.  
  
The rest of the fellowship all went their separate ways and in a little under ten minutes they were all gathered in the living room, clean, dressed and pressed.  
  
Legolas hadn't bothered to make Gandalf change from the blue dress, which was still dripping with sapphire paint. The elf himself was dressed smartly in dark trousers and the purple paisley shirt he had bought that day. Over the top he wore a smart black suit jacket and looked very snappy indeed. Aragorn had refused point blank to wear anything other than his new matrix trench coat. And the good news now was that he and Legolas didn't have to bother trying to get him out of the tight pants. Of course the ranger could have just worn some other trousers over the top, but he thought that his new, butt hugging, leg hugging, everything else hugging pants matched his coat. He had even managed to find a pair of sunnies in his bedroom, which was a miracle in itself that he had found ANYTHING in the mess he called 'creative clutter'.  
  
The hobbits all looked radically different. Merry wore a suit of bright green velvet with a spotty yellow tie and shoes so shiny he could see his face in them. He had dragged a brush through his hair, quite a difficult task. But he had accidentally gotten the brush stuck, so now he had a brush stuck in his hair, hanging down at the back of his head.  
  
Pippin meanwhile was garbed in a ghastly pink Hawaiian shirt and purple pants. He wasn't wearing shoes, as usual, for the hobbit held a firm belief that no matter what the circumstance, hobbit feet should be free. Sam wore a red suit with a white lacy cravat, Austin Powers style. It hurt Frodo's eyes to look at the hobbit in red. He himself was wearing the most boring, most conservative suit he could find. A brown tie matched the brown suit, which matched his brown shoes and brown shirt.  
  
Gimli liked the colour brown, but had refused to wear it after Frodo announced that brown was his new favourite colour. Gimli wore a tuxedo, a little formal perhaps, but at least he was making an effort.  
  
So, all dressed, pressed and pretty the fellowship marched out the door, across the lawn, was amazed by the number of cars parked in Haldir's drive way and along the street, before they, four hobbits, human, elf, dwarf and wizard, stood at Haldir's front door and rang the doorbell...  
  
TBC  
  
AN/ mwa haa. I have only just noticed that I often end my chapter with something to do with a doorbell. I am weird.  
  
Anyway, sorry for the extreme un-funniness of this chapter. I hope you liked it anyway, even though it was a bit on the weird side.  
  
Ok, now for the best bit... reviews. Grins I love them guys, keep em coming. ( It's you guys who keep this story afloat. On the other hand, they also make the hobbits and Legolas very happy. And in the moods Legolas has been in lately, keeping him happy is a very good thing.  
  
Yoshi: Hey there. I don't recall hearing from you before, but that might have been one of those times where ff.net was all weird and deleted all my reviews... or maybe it was just me being an idiot and not remembering. I am very pleased indeedy that you liked the first TF&TEND and what has happened so far in this one. Thankyou so, so much for your review, it made my day. =) I hope you liked this chapter as much as the last ones. Oh yeah, and only one more chapter to wait until everyone finds out exactly what the fab 5 did to poor Hal-dear. Oh yes, and Legolas can take me for a massage any day. Lol. Righto, again, thanks for your review, you rock!  
  
Banx: arg, I know! The last chapter was so screweyed up. And the problem is, I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! Which makes things very frustrating. However, I will try and re-upload it so that it is actually a little more than just a jumble of mixed up words. Sorry about that. But I am, on the other hand, VERY pleased t hear you refer to chapter 9 as 'freaking awesome'. That made me giggle and go all smiley and happy. Which is a good thing by the way... lol. And another thing, you reviews are NEVER pointless. And Long is good, the longer the better. Lol. Oh yeah, before I forget, before I write the next chapter I need to know if you don't mind battling it out with my sister for Haldir again. In other words, a cameo at Haldir's dinner party? Please say yes, but its ok if you don't, I might be able to bribe Sam into kissing Haldir.... evil laugh anyway, thankies so much for reviewing, made me veddy veddy happy it did, reading your review. But then again, reading yours always do.  
  
Kawaii elf girl: ello ello. How's life? I am really sorry about the 'giant chapter', all the words got mushed up, and even after I re-loaded the chapter about five times I could do nothing about it but get myself all flustered and annoyed. So sorry again. Now it's my turn, thankyou for de reviewsies. Your travel-agent cameo will be coming up pretty soon...  
  
Anelith Wood: what? Dirty mind? I don't have a dirty mind... not very often anyway. Cough cough heh. But personally I didn't think Frodo topless in ROTK was anything that special. Ok, ok, I admit to being busy thinking about Legolas at the time, but he was just a pale little skinny guy who is in need of a haircut. Sorry about that. You are however, still very welcome to smooch, attack, hug, so whatever to Frodo if you manage to catch him. Lol. Leggsie and the twins will only be too happy to oblige to your every command however, well, that's if I can convince them that anyone who's a fan and female is not evil. (Silly idiots still think I want to eat them... hang on a second... I do... ok, forget that thought). Anyway, in the case of Aragorn's tight pants, I think if the butter doesn't work to get them off then someone might have to do some vveeeeerrryyyyy careful cutting... ah yes, teachers... we have that thing in out library too. You know, where the teachers watch everything you're doing. Freaky. I wont tell the whole story, but I was doing something once and got kicked out of the library cos they thought I was doing something that I wasn't. I don't like librarians... shudder alrighty, I will get to the point now. Thanks veddy veddy much for de review, made me happy happy it did. And when I'm happy happy, I tend to update this fanfiction quicker. Lol.  
  
Aelimir: Hope that there were not too many sick jokes in this chapter, but I have to admit that I am quite prone to them. Especially the very lame ones. Ah yes, you are very welcome to post a story similar to this. Take all the cat-food posters, rifles, light bulbs and pool toys you need. You're also very welcome to use anything else you find amusing. I am actually really flattered that you think anything in this story is good enough for you to use in your own. One thing though, you HAVE to give me the URL once it's written cos now I'm dying to see how it turns out. Hopefully your cameo should be in the next chapter, cos that's the dinner party chapter, and be prepared for some extreme Sam strangling. Lol. Don't blame you really; Sam is a bit odd, although he was better in ROTK than the other two movies. And Boromir, how on earth could I forget him? And now that the fellowship are going on vacation, they need to make sure they all look good in their swimming costumes. Grins Boromir...yay. This will be good, I love your ideas, they totally rock. And another thing, I strongly caution you NOT to try and get out of a pair of pants using butter for I have the sneaking suspicion that it probably wouldn't work too well. Perhaps some careful cutting may well be the answer. Sorry that there were also no pirated in this chapter. They will be in the next though, cos I already have that one all planned out. Evil laugh. Anyway, thankies so much for the very long and wonderfully wonderful review. You rock!  
  
ChicagoGoth: sorry, I forgot to explain how hot 40 degrees Celsius is. Two words for it really. VERY HOT. In fact, just like it was at school today. All the classrooms and the bus on the way home all felt like saunas. Horrible. Good luck in your finals, although by the time I post this chapter up you probably will have finished. And the Aragorn pants scenario... that just struck me as a very Aragorn-ish thing to do. Wait, that is more like just something I would do... yeah. Right then, I always manage to write really long replies to reviews and all I ever do is rant and rant and rant. Quite pointless really, so I will cut the ranting and get to the point, thanking yu for your reviews and telling you that I hope you liked this chapter.  
  
Inweofnargothrond: Because I am feeling especially nice today, you can have a cameo AND rice crackers. Which flavour would you like? I rather like BBQ, but sometimes I have strange taste. Anyway, Haldir is strange and he is pretty hard to explain, but if anything does explain him, that does. And don't worry, just because Percy is sitting forgotten at the bottom of the pool doesn't mean that his part in this story is over. Way more Percy to come yet. Mwa haa haa. Hehe, I like being evil... all right, not exactly evil, but unhinged at least. Anyway, as I have been doing a lot today, I will thank you so much for your reviews, cos they always make me smile. Grins see? Hope you liked this chapter, despite the lack of Percy the Parsnip.  
  
Paladin Dragoon: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Well, I am probably a little bit late by now. Sorry about the last chapter, it went all screwy and no matter how hard I tried, I simply could no get it to work properly. Glad you managed to read it cos it gave me a headache just looking at it. Glad you like the hyperness. I like hyperness too, hyperness is almost as good as the effect you get when you feed Legolas lots and lots of sugar. In that case, hyperness is an understatement. Lol. Hope you liked this chapter. Say hi to Loki and CF for me. Thankies for reviewing, just in time for MY birthday! (Even though it was actually a week ago... oh well, we can just pretend.) lol. So thankies, you rock.  
  
Leggie: Hello there. Which evil thingy is this that we're talking about? I don't know, I have a lot of evil ideas for this fic and cant really tell them all apart as a result of my muddle brain. I NEED RP... cough cough yeah, anyway. By the time this is up the new site will probably be up and running, but as I write this, I am suffering severe RP withdrawal symptoms. As I have said to about seven other people, I am so sorry about how the last chapter went all weird. When I wrote it, it was all normal, like I would write anything else, but ff.net was being a pain in the arse and screwed it up. That day there was a lot of kicking of computers and swearing loudly at ff.net. Anyway. I am all happy now and I hope you are too. Matrix trench coat was for you so I hope it's ok. Besides, if it's not, I'm not going to be changing anything... hehe, see how lazy I am? Anyway, for the final time, DO NOT THANK ME!! I should be thanking you. Ah, I can see this will go on in a never ending cycle... anyway, thankies for reviewsies. Make me giggle like a hyperactive hobbit when I read them. So, again I managed to write a reply to your review longer than the actually review itself. I WIN!! AGAIN!!! Mwa haa haa. Alrighty, hope you didn't find this chapter to disturbing and that you enjoyed it to some extent. Righto, Cya then. Amin Mela lle. Thanks again.  
  
Marissa03: Hello!! I have borrowed Eomer today to help me here. He is spinning around on the computer chair at the moment while I kneel on the floor and type this. We both would like to know how long it will be until I receive a lovely little chapter of Estel in my inbox. Eomer has had the pleasure of reading it and is eagerly awaiting more. Ah yes, one thing, being shoved into blenders, in terms of this fic, that isn't that harsh. Lol. It can get worse. Lol. Right, Eomer is looking a bit green in the face from spinning around so if he could talk without feeling like he is going to throw up I'm sure he will thank you for reviewing. You also get a thankyou from me as well. You rock. (  
  
Nomad6: Hi Nellie the elf, hobbit, rider of Rohan, maiden of Gondor, whatever you feel like being today. Today I am a hobbit... lol. I still cannot thank you enough for still finding the time, or making the time, whatever, to go through this silly fanfiction and correcting all my screw ups. I know there are a lot of them, so a really cant thank you enough.  
  
Haven't got my letter yet? Hmm, I sent it a while ago; I shall just have to write you a new one. Anyway, second term of school is kinda dodgy so far, maths teachers are evil, but you knew that already. I have Mrs Campbell again for science... she still smiles too much, rather scary.  
  
You still have to let me know when you get your horse. Hehe, you probably already have it, and I am so out of date that I don't realise yet. Well, thankyou again, another chapter should be coming along some time in the very near future.  
  
Lots of hugs and hobbits  
  
Lauren  
  
Thankyou everyone, you really made my day. Don't forget to review this chapter, I know you all will. Grins.  
  
Ah yes, thanks again to Nellie (Nomad6) for beta-ing this chapter. All mistakes are of my doing, so sorry about that, but I'm not the world's best speller.  
  
Righto, review please!!  
  
Love Lamoo. 


	12. Haldir revealed and Eomer's quest

AN/ Hello all, sorry this took so long, not only has the fountain of ideas been a pathetic little trickle lately, but I have just returned from my holiday in Vietnam,  
  
I have a favour to ask of you wonderful people out there in fanfiction land. Those of you who I have said can have cameos at Haldir's dinner party, or a bit later on, please tell me in your review, (I am assuming you will review of course) where you would like to appear, and a little about your character/personality. We lost everything on our hard drive a month or two ago, and that included all the stuff I had written about people's cameos. Also, with a little bit more information under my belt hopefully I don't end up offending anyone by making people too silly. Thanks heaps guys.  
  
Wait wait wait, one more thing. I have to thank all you lovely people who voted for my version of 'the Truckinator.' For those of you who have no idea what I am going on about, go read my story... 'The revenge of the Truckinator'.  
  
Thank you Nellie for betaing this story... I think shall have to write you a new letter as the one I send you a while ago seems to have been eaten by the monster at the post office... hope you're feeling better, and thanks again. Grins  
  
Disclaimer: sigh why do I bother writing these disclaimers when it is as plain as mud that I don't own a single bloody thing in the fic... actually, wait, perhaps I do... I won Legolas's car in a raffle and Percy the Parsnip is lying mouldy in the bottom of my grandmother's pantry. However, anyone who wants to is more than welcome to borrow aspects from this fic. However, if Legolas finds out they are being misused, he will set the dogs (aka Merry and Pippin) loose.  
  
Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue...  
  
Gollum appeared again, Legolas added another $400 to his credit card bill, Gandalf painted his dress, his beard, and the elf blue, and it was revealed to the world that the fellowship can indeed get ready to go out in twenty three and a half seconds.  
  
Chapter 12  
  
Legolas tapped his foot impatiently and rang the doorbell again. He and the rest of the fellowship could hear noises coming from inside but no one came to answer the door.  
  
Another car pulled in and three people hopped out. Judging by their voices, they appeared to be female, Legolas couldn't tell otherwise, as the light on Haldir's front porch had been broken for the past seven years.  
  
Anelith, Banx and Yoshi all looked very swish in their outfits, Banx in particular hoping that Haldir would notice her bright purple number which was very trendy indeed. Pippin liked it as well, as the outfit Banx wore matched his own pants. Banx wasn't too sure whether this was a good thing or not.  
  
Anelith sidled up to Frodo, who was staring blankly at wall. The hobbit didn't pay any attention to his surroundings until Anelith gave him a little nudge and a kiss. He jumped in surprise and backed up against the wall, totally unprepared for fangirl kisses.  
  
More people began to pile out of cars. Evidently Haldir had invited a considerable number of people to his little dinner party. Aragorn squinted around in the darkness. Actually, come to think of it, it wasn't really that dark. The ranger still had his sunglasses on. He rang the doorbell again before a thought crossed his mind.  
  
Last time he had been in Haldir's house he has seen there was barely room enough for the essential furniture inside, let alone enough room to accommodate lots of people. And there will be lots of people, Aragorn mused, as the crowd waiting for Haldir to answer the door had grown.  
  
Eomer had arrived, his mustang parked on the front lawn, happily grazing, despite the fact that cars do not eat grass. Unfortunately Eomer was still stuck in the dark ages, and hadn't worked this out yet. He also hadn't realised that tying the car to the fence with a length of rope was a waste of time.  
  
Eoywn and Faramir had also arrived, looking very smitten with each other. Just the look of them staring into each other's eyes, love struck, was enough to make Aragorn puke. Suddenly the ranger heard a voice and his worst fears were confirmed.  
  
"ARWEN!" hissed Legolas. "Quick, in the bushes," he said hurriedly, in a panicked sort of voice, as he pushed Aragorn off the edge of the porch and into the garden bed bellow. There was a series of muffled grunts from behind the azalea bush, but other than that, Aragorn stayed silent as his 'wife' sauntered over and greeted everyone with a kiss on each cheek.  
  
Legolas let the charming, calm mask slide into place, and greeted Arwen. But as soon as he back was turned, made retching and vomiting sounds, accompanied by graphic gestures.  
  
"Do you think Haldir's locked himself in?" wondered Yoshi, beginning to wonder why they had been standing on the front porch for 5 minutes now.  
  
"He must have," replied Glorfindel, who had just arrived, still in the tree costume he had worn to the fellowship's fancy dress party, a week before. He noticed the odd glances he was receiving from various people who had been at the party. The elf sighed. "I'm stuck, all right?" Glorfindel said, unable to move his arms while still dressed in the ridiculous tree costume.  
  
Legolas smacked his forehead against the wall, wondering briefly why he had only just discovered how pleasurable bashing ones head against a brick wall was.  
  
Suddenly everyone heard a strange noise coming from down the road. A large, ghastly coloured Double Decker bus came into view, Lamoo at the wheel, waving at everyone who met her eyes. Little blonde Aimoo sat beside the evil one, bouncing up and down in her seat. With a hiss the door to the bus opened and about a dozen people poured out.  
  
"Oh Valar," remarked Legolas. "The fangirl express has arrived,"  
  
Aragorn replied with a grunt of agreement from behind the azalea bush.  
  
Frodo suddenly looked horrified as girls poured out of the bus and up Haldir's driveway. "Any more room down there?" he asked the azalea bush. Aragorn's head popped out from behind it and he shook it madly. Frodo looked around anxiously for a hiding place, but just as he thought all hope was lost, and the first fangirl climbed up the front steps, the door opened.  
  
Legolas gasped, and gawked open mouthed at Haldir's new look, as did a few other people. Several females chattered excitedly and even Aragorn popped his head back up to have a look.  
  
Nellie raised her eyebrows, wondering why everyone was looking at her like that. All she had done was open the door, after Haldir had refused point blank to face everyone.  
  
"Wow, Haldir looks so pretty!" exclaimed Sam, thinking that Nellie was Haldir.  
  
Nellie smacked her forehead and sighed, thinking to herself 'stupid hobbit'. However, she smiled politely and ushered all the guests inside.  
  
The inside of Haldir's house was transformed from pigsty, to a very chic, very trendy home. The remanent of Haldir's old lounge now sat out on the lawn next to Eomer's mustang, and were replaced with a very new, very modern lounge suite. The walls had gone from pink, various shades of brown to crisp white and blue making he whole house looked a lot bigger.  
  
"Where's Haldir?!" Aimoo wanted to know. Banx and several other Haldir fanciers were wondering the same thing.  
  
"He had better hurry up," Sam whispered to Merry, "there is a documentary about swimming pool chemicals on tonight, I don't want to miss it,"  
  
Merry could not help but roll his eyes, wondering why anyone in their right mind would want to watch an hour long documentary about the gloop that Legolas dumped into the swimming pool once a fortnight. "You wont miss it," Merry replied, "The VCR is all set up to tape it,"  
  
Neither Merry nor Sam saw Pippin tense at the mention of the VCR. Of course, neither of them knew about the peanut butter sandwich that had jammed the machine. Legolas was the only who ever actually used the VCR, to tape his gardening programs that were on during the day, while he was at work. As for the sandwich, Pippin had heard from someone who said that their cousin's, mother's, aunt's friend's, brother in law, had watched a peanut butter sandwich on the television. All you had to do was to insert it into the VCR, like you would a tape, and it would play. Pippin had eagerly jammed his sandwich into the slot and pressed play, only to discover that he had once and for all, buggered the thing. In hindsight, perhaps it had not been such a good idea to jam his sandwich into the VCR, but there wasn't much that could be done about it now.  
  
'Hmm,' thought Pippin to himself, 'perhaps I can persuade one of the fangirls to buy me a new one,' this actually seemed like a reasonable idea. Merry and Sam, and more importantly Legolas, who was so much larger and stronger than Pip was, would never find out about the little mishap. All that the hobbit would need to do would be to suck up to one of the fan girls, who looked like she had a random VCR floating around in the bottom of her handbag, and he would be home free.  
  
Pippin's thoughts were cut short when he saw Nellie standing at the top of the stairs, which Pippin was sure hadn't been there before. She cleared her throat and everyone fell quiet, knowing that she had something to say.  
  
"Thank you all for coming," she said with a smile. "Haldir thanks you all for your patience..."  
  
Aragorn, who yelled out loudly, and somewhat rudely, suddenly cut her off. "Hurry up!"  
  
'So much for patience,' Nellie mused. However, she continued on. "Haldir thanks MOST of you for your patience, so without further ado, here he is!"  
  
She stepped down off the stairs, sidling over to Legolas. The elf would have wondered why she was clinging to his elbow, but he was so shocked when he saw Haldir, that he completely forgot about the little blonde All Blacks supporter hanging off his arm.  
  
In a flurry of blonde hair and snappy suits Haldir appeared at the top of the stairs, making every girl in the room drool. Merry and Pippin sighed and decided that it was their civic duty to hand out drool buckets, so they did, managing to sidestep melting females. Of course for the privilege of the special drool buckets, fangirls would be charged accordingly. Merry and Pippin made $100 in about five minutes simply by distributing drool buckets. All eyes were still turned on Haldir however, as the hobbits scurried to and fro.  
  
Haldir flashed a perfect white-toothed smile.  
  
Meanwhile in the Queer Eye HQ, the fab five had gathered around the telly, in spiffy clothes with martinis in their hands.  
  
"A little difficult this one," remarked Kyan, "He was VERY reluctant to cut his hair."  
  
Jai snickered. "But relented when we told him how much the ladies would love him with his hair styled a bit."  
  
The other nodded in agreement, Carson speaking up and offering his own opinion. "Cute little peanut," he commented, taking a sip of his martini- with-the-little-olive-on-the toothpick-floating-in-it. "Rather odd, but hot." Again, the other four nodded in agreement and raised their glasses, turning their attention back towards the TV screen.  
  
"What did you do with Haldir!?" Aragorn yelled loudly, waving his arms threateningly at the suave blonde figure at the top of the stairs. It obviously had not occurred to the trench coat clad ranger that this was Haldir, certainly dressed up, but Haldir none the less.  
  
Legolas could not help but roll his eyes. Haldir however, loved the attention, and seemed to be basking in it. Nellie still clung to one of Legolas's elbows, Laura, who had appeared a few moments ago, clinging to the other. But neither of them seemed particularly interested in Legolas, staring like lovesick puppies at Haldir.  
  
"When can we eat?" asked a loud voice from the back of the room.  
  
Legolas flinched at the sound of it, knowing exactly who it would be. Why did he always have to appear time and time again to ruin their evenings? Frodo had managed to sidle away from his sticky fangirls and made his way through the crowd over to Legolas. The hobbit asked Legolas the exact question that the elf had been mulling over in his head.  
  
"Why is he here?" Frodo wanted to know.  
  
Legolas sighed. "Follows Lamoo around." He muttered. "Probably stalking her," the elf remarked with an evil grin.  
  
Frodo shook his head. "I doubt it, who would want to stalk her?" he commented. "Reminds me of a little lost puppy really,"  
  
Legolas nodded, seeing that Frodo had a point. He opened his mouth to reply to the hobbit's comment, but was cut off as Mr Bean came pushing his way through the crowd of slobbering fangirls, who were STILL gazing at Haldir, and made his way towards everyone's favourite elf prince. Haldir meanwhile was flashing a perfect smile, lapping up the attention, and preening himself. By preening, I mean tossing his hair too and fro, straightening his jacket and buffing his fingernails on his coat. Haldir's hair was still long, but was layered and swished too and fro as his moved his head. A blue pinstripe suit, pale shirt and bright, loud tie and very trendy shoes made Haldir look considerably better than he usually did, as he favoured grey pillowcases and pink nighties.  
  
Mr Bean threw Legolas a dirty, hateful look, reserved especially for the elf and other people of the male variety that Lamoo liked to chase, namely a couple of imaginary role play characters who are single, and very good looking. Legolas merely rolled his eyes, managed to pry Nellie and Laura off his arms and attach them to the banister railing before he stalked off in the direction of Eomer and Aragorn, not liking the company of Mr Bean one little bit.  
  
Eomer and Aragorn were not usually regarded as the smartest individuals. Eomer still had a fetish for horses, yellow crayons and silly hats, and for being a king in his own right, could be really rather dim at times. Aragorn was not much better, but occasionally had random bursts of ingenuity and surprised everyone with his logic. But this did not happen much and by now Legolas was used to his friend's general stupidity.  
  
"Look at him up there," remarked Eomer, his head turned towards Haldir, who was STILL basking in his own glory. "Just cos he has fangirls and we don't, doesn't mean he can stand up there and toss his hair like that." At that comment Eomer looked rather sour, but sad. "All because he has fangirls."  
  
Legolas and Aragorn raised their eyebrows. Aragorn spoke: "well I know for sure that I have fangirls," he remarked.  
  
Legolas smirked, saying that he did as well, talking in a voice that was in every way as arrogant as the elf could possibly be.  
  
Eomer's bottom lip trembled when he realised that he was the only one out of the trio who had no fangirls. He had no wild teenage girls throwing themselves at his feet, no stalkers, no crazed fanfiction junkies who wrote stories about him and certainly no admirers who send him bag fulls of fan mail every day. He felt the urge to go off somewhere to have a little cry, but didn't get a chance, for Haldir called out to everyone to file outside into the garden for dinner.  
  
Legolas and Aragorn exchanged looks and between them, decided that it would be their mission to find Eomer some fangirls. They might not be terribly pretty fangirls, or terribly intelligent, but a fangirl is a fangirl. Actually, now that they came to think about it, Eomer wasn't the world's most pretty person, nor was he the sharpest crayon in the box, so he probably wouldn't be too concerned that his future fangirls could wind up being about forty seven, with a hairy back and the IQ of a potato.  
  
As the crowd made their way out into the garden for dinner, Legolas and Aragorn explained to Eomer very slowly, in case he got confused, that they were going to help him find some fangirls. Legolas managed to forget to mention that fangirls were really a curse, not something to be desired. But he was determined to help the dim Rohirrim, and if female admirers and stalkers were what Eomer wanted, then the elf would do anything he could, within reason of course, to find Eomer his very own fangirl.  
  
Everyone gasped as they came outside into the garden. A huge pavilion had been set up, and a very very long table was beneath the pavilion, which was draped with plenty of colourful, gauzy fabric. At each place at the table sat perfect white china and crystal glassware. There were plenty of candles and lanterns that hung from the roof to cast light on what everyone was planning on eating.  
  
Back at the Fab Five HQ, Thom, the interior decorator, who had in this case, decorated exteriorly, was having a little rant about the lovely outdoor setting which had been set up in Haldir's garden.  
  
"It does look lovely peanut," commented Carson, wondering to himself whether or not it would be better to call people Almond, or perhaps Cashew.  
  
"Wow," commented Gimli, who had been forgotten for a little while. Gandalf was beside the dwarf, grinning, looking like he longed to reach out and touch the pretty lights.  
  
Everyone took their seats, and with a bit of juggling, Legolas and Aragorn managed to sit Eomer between two random females. Legolas and Frodo managed to stay away from Mr Bean, and Sam broke his chair when he sat on it.  
  
The first course was brought out, and yet again, everyone was in awe. Who could have known that Haldir could be such a great host, look so snappy, AND be capable in the kitchen?  
  
TBC...  
  
AN/ yay. I liked that chapter. I have ideas now, so perhaps the next one wont take as long as I thought it would...  
  
Thank you all for reviews on the previous chapter. I don't have time to reply to them right this instant, but will get in touch next chapter.  
  
Another big round of applause and hugs for Nellie, who rocks my socks, while at the same time betas this story.  
  
Toodles all, hope you had a bit of a laugh. If not, next one will be better.  
  
Reviews would be lovely...  
  
Love Lamoo 


	13. The Chapter that took too long

AN/ hello little pumpkins, it's that time again. Time for another silly, random chapter of the Fellowship and the elf next door. I have nothing to say really; apart from sorry for the wait, so for once this will be a very short note at the beginning. Enjoy. Review responses at the end.

Disclaimer: short and sweet, although a little dull: LOTR - not mine

Chapter 13.

Previously in TF&TEND: the adventures continue, Haldir revealed his new look, Legolas and Aragorn made it their mission to find Eomer a fan girl, and everyone began to wonder when and where Haldir learnt to cook.

"Whoa," breathed Glorfindel as he gazed at first course.

Glorfindel had known Haldir since he was knee high, and he had never known him to be able to cook much more than a piece of toast.

Glorfindel, along with everyone else was amazed at how the blonde elf in the snappy suit had managed to transform into a world-class chef overnight.

Merry and Pippin, Frodo and Sam all sat on their seats, eyes drawn to the food.

The first course was merely an entrée, a small portion of salad and prawns on a white plate. Yet it did not occur to the hobbits that this was simply an appetizer, not the whole meal and they were looking at their plates sadly, in a rather disappointed way.

"Is this it?" Merry asked, feeling very thwarted.

"It's only the first course," remarked Gimli, who, much to his dismay and annoyance, had ended up seated next to the hobbits.

Pippin gazed around at the other three halflings, expression brighter. The other three were also very pleased that there would be plenty of food.

Eomer meanwhile, began to wolf down his food as soon as it was put in front of him, ignoring the fact that prawn tails aren't really good to eat. Legolas and Aragorn sat alongside the King of Rohan, the elf rolling his eyes, thinking that it was no wonder Eomer didn't have any fangirls if he always acted like a pig, a rabid wolf, or a combination of both.

Without so much as a word, Legolas took Eomer's plate away from him, Eomer complaining loudly when his supply of prawns was confiscated. Legolas went on to explain to the horse lord, who seemed to have the IQ of a pot plant, that to be popular amongst the ladies, one had to be civilised and charming. Of course having a nice butt certainly didn't hurt either, but Legolas didn't want to get Eomer too confused with all these ideas.

Aragorn however, who had plenty of fangirls, did not agree with the elf, saying that it was rugged manly good looks that attracted the ladies. "The girls often find masculine stubble very sexy," He did not make eye contact with the elf, knowing full well that Legolas was probably glaring at him, gaze dripping with venom, as elves happened to be as devoid of facial hair as VCRs were of vegemite sandwiches... mind you, no one but Pippin actually knew that this was not the case.

"Why don't you just try shelling the prawns before you eat them," suggested Legolas, warily placing Eomer's plate back in front of the ravenous horse lord. "And swallow what's in your mouth before your take a bite of something else," added the elf as Eomer proceeded to shell the prawns, stuffing all of them into his mouth at once.

Eomer looked a little guilty, with a mouthful of prawns, so he spat them back out onto his plate. Then, much to Aragorn's amusement and Legolas's distaste and annoyance, Eomer ate the prawns, half chewed up and covered in spit, one by one.

It wasn't long before the first course was over and the guests had gone through about seven bottles of wine. There was the sound of breaking glass suddenly and all eyes turned towards Haldir, who was seated at the head of the table. He held a spoon in one hand, and there was a broken wine glass sitting on the table, which had evidently been broken with the spoon as Haldir tried to catch everyone's attention.

The elf smiled sheepishly and shoved the broken glass off the table and onto the floor. Then, pretending he had never broken the glass, proceeded to beam around at his guests. "I hope you have all enjoyed your entrees," he said. "But it is my duty to inform you that there will be no roast chicken for the main course,"

Everyone's faces fell, and a few people, namely Aragorn and the hobbits, complained loudly about the lack of chicken.

Someone cleverly asked why there was no chicken, and Haldir calmly told them the answer. "I could not bear to cook the poor chook, so I set it free," he grinned, unaware of the odd looks his guests were exchanging with one another. "So now the chicken is frolicking in the wild,"

Everyone turned their gazes to the large expanse of neatly trimmed lawn that was Haldir's back yard. There, in the middle of the yard, was a raw, plucked, headless chicken, 'frolicking'. It appeared that it hadn't occurred to Haldir that the chicken was already dead, so it was no use setting it free. The chicken just sat, plucked and dead, on the grass.

"What are we having for the main course then?" Piped up Aimoo, being the first one to snatch her gaze away from Haldir's chicken, which Pippin in particular was still staring at, looking rather love struck.

"Seafood!" announced Haldir, before he hopped up out of his seat and went to fetch the food.

"What's seafood?" wondered Eomer, elbows on the table.

Legolas resisted the urge to bang his head on the table, and calmly replied: "Food from the sea," he sighed. "Fish, squid, prawns, et cetera."

Eomer grinned, realisation dawning on the rather un-intelligent king of Rohan.

"I knew that," he commented.

"Of course you did," muttered the elf, beginning to lose patience.

Haldir brought out the main course, which was BBQ salmon and salad, and everyone licked their lips in anticipation. However, it appeared that, by the time all the food had been brought to the table, they were one plate short.

Haldir, noticing that one of his dear friends, Marissa, didn't have a plate, did the thing any gentleman would do. He stole Aragorn's and set it down in front of Marissa. What? You really thought Haldir was going to give away his own food?

The ranger complained loudly, banging his fist on the table in disgust, but with the help of a couple of napkins and a bread roll, Legolas, and a random elf named Lithorel... who happened to be one of Lamoo's beloved Role Play elves, who tastes very very good smothered in maple syrup... managed to make Aragorn shut up. So the ranger sat and pouted for the rest of the meal, arms folded, a cross expression on his face.

Midway through the main course it began to rain. However, as all the guests were sitting beneath a huge marquee, sheltered from the rain, no one got wet... with the exception of Aragorn, who seemed to be copping all the water that was dripping off the edge of the pavilion. The ranger sighed in annoyance, wondering why everyone was picking on him. First Haldir, and now the weather? It simply wasn't fair.

It continued to rain all through the main course, gradually getting heaver. After Haldir whisked all the dirty plates away and brought out the dessert, people had begun to wonder how they were going to get back to their cars without getting totally drenched in the process.

As with the main course, they were short one bowl of chocolate pudding and gourmet ice cream, so no one was surprised when Haldir decided that there was no sense in Aragorn getting dessert when he hadn't had a main course yet. So, the newly primped elf gave the ranger's dessert to Nellie.

Legolas, still perfectly dry, had nearly given up on his mission to find Eomer a fangirl, for the horse lord and King of Rohan, had no hope. Eomer grinned stupidly, watching another torrent of water cascade down off the edge of the marquee and onto Aragorn, who was already drenched. Eomer's face was smeared with chocolate pudding, and for some odd reason he had managed to get ice cream down the back of his shirt, and was squirming uncomfortably in between giggles.

Legolas could not help but snicker too, as Aragorn was looking rather dejected and miserable, not to mention wet, and Legolas, who had become a rather nasty person since the War of the Ring, loved to laugh at the ranger's misfortune.

However, the elf stopped laughing when he heard a gasp, and Arwen, who was sitting opposite him, squeaked and pointed to the roof of the marquee above Legolas's head. The elf looked up, as did everyone else, and their eyes widened at the sight they saw.

The marquee was supported by two large poles, taller than the rest, which kept the roof on a slope, so the rainwater would run off. The only problem with this was that the tent was not particularly well made, or rather, well set up, and the roof had slipped down off its pole, so now, cradled above Legolas's head, in the marquee canvas, was about 50 gallons of water, which looked like it would spill any minute.

Legolas quickly backed away, and hurried over to the other side of the marquee, and several people grabbed their chairs, and began to push at the water cradled in the canvas, with the legs of their chairs. Their aim was to try and push all the water out of the canvas and onto the ground.

While they were trying to do that, Pippin decided he needed to use the bathroom. So the hobbit quickly dashed back to the house, wondering why he could smell smoke. However, the hobbit decided to ignore the smell, and headed for the bathroom.

The last time Pippin had seen Haldir's bathroom, it had resembled a bat cave, a bat cave that had not been cleaned in several years. Now however, the tiles were gleaming white, and everything was clean. Once he had finished his business, Pippin noticed the small dish of pretty seashell shaped soaps that were sitting on the bench top.

Pippin of course, did not know they were soaps, and as white soap does have the annoying habit of looking like white chocolate, the hobbit came to the conclusion that Haldir, being an excellent host, had left chocolates in his bathroom for his guests to eat. Pippin eagerly stuffed his mouth full of soap, ignoring the funny taste. It actually didn't taste too bad, the hobbit decided, so he helped himself to a couple more pieces before he noticed that someone had been banging on the bathroom door for several minutes now. Pippin hadn't noticed until now, so distracted was he by the little soap flavoured chocolates, so he quickly hurried over to open the door to see what the mysterious door banger, wanted.

Pippin opened the door a crack, to find a very scared looking Samwise Gamgee standing there.

"Quick, let me in!" he stammered.

Pippin raised an eyebrow. "Why should I?" he asked Sam.

Sam looked around nervously. "She's after me!" he squeaked, looking more and more like a frightened rabbit by the second.

"Who's after you?" Pippin wanted to know.

By now Sam was shaking violently. "Aelimir..." he stuttered, as if he was afraid of saying the name.

"Give me one good reason I should let you in," Pippin said, hands on hips.

Sam was beginning to get desperate, and could swear he could hear Aelimir's voice coming from the living room. "Because, she'll strangle me if she finds me!"

"What did you do to deserve having your neck wrung?" Pippin wondered, asking the first logical question he had asked in months.

Sam shrugged. "Nothing, that I'm aware of," he replied, "She just seems to be on a mission to kill me,"

"So you are trying to hide from her," finished Pippin. Sam nodded in reply, and Pippin proceeded to ask why Sam needed to hide in the bathroom. "What's wrong with under Haldir's bed? People generally need to use the bathroom, and they can't when you are huddled in the bathtub, on the run from a murderous female."

"Just let me in," Sam said, as he pushed his way into the bathroom.

Once he was inside, and had locked the door, he flopped down on the floor, panting. Pippin and Sam listened as they heard footsteps, and Aelimir call out Sam's name. Pippin didn't think she sounded as evil as Sam described her to be, but Sam seemed utterly terrified of her.

All of a sudden, Sam changed the subject. "Do you smell smoke?" he asked Pippin. Pippin nodded in agreement.

Meanwhile, outside, under the marquee, Aragorn was wetter than ever. Several people had managed to use their chairs to push the water out of the marquee canvas, but it had spilled over the edge, onto Aragorn.

By now, the ranger was thinking fairly seriously about going home, but didn't get a chance to decide, as suddenly, the tent collapsed, onto everyone under it. Except Aragorn, who was standing in the rain, and the chicken, which was still frolicking in the wild...

To Be Continued.

AN/ well, that's it. A little longer than usual, but all the same, sorry it took so long.

Next chapter should be coming fairly soon, so there shouldn't be a hideously long wait.

Hugs and Hobbits to Nellie for being a wonderful beta reader, but Lamoo must poke her tongue out at Nellie, and go 'neh neh neh' as the Wallabies beat the All Blacks in the Tri Nations Rugby game on 7th of August 2004. Giggle

Huge thanks go to all reviewers, and as you are all so wonderful, you all get extra big cupcakes with pink sprinkles.

And replies...

Inweofnargothrond (Inw): Sorry I took so long, I am rather hopeless when it comes to updating regularly. Am very very pleased, as always that you liked this chapter, and the last one. I however, was rude, and didn't reply to you review for chapter 11, so you get a big hug and a kiss from a character of your choice. Grins And a cameo of course, I did promise, so a cameo you shall get. Oh yes, and for the record, butterscotch swirl ice cream is the bestest ice-cream flavour EVER!! And about Percy, don't worry, Pippin will find something else to love, worship, care for, hug and eventually kill.

Yoshi: always makes me grin like an idiot when people say that the stuff I write makes them laugh, regardless of whether or not it was actually supposed to be funny. Lol. Seeing as you liked your cameo so much, I have decided that you shall have another! Yay. Next chapter though, there is heaps more silliness to come. Pippin and the VCR thing, however, is something I actually did. We shall ignore the fact that I was four...

Would love to read your story when its up, and I would absolutely LOVE it if you would shove me in there somewhere. Grins

Thanks for reviewing, you rock my socks... observe... the rocking socks. Socks rock

Mr Bean/Leggie: I am so mean, this chapter has been on my computer to read for a couple of days, while I was waiting for it to be beta-ed, and I didn't tell you. Tee hee. You shall just have to wait like everyone else. Besides, always better when stupid Microsoft Word doesn't put little annoying red squiggly lined under every second word... and I knew you would like the way Aragorn thinks, well, in the last chapter anyway, he did get rather wet this time around. I am also honoured to have my very own stalker, hope you liked this chapter. Love you.

Legolas Stalker aka Laura: I'M ALIVE!!! Sorry, this chapter took even longer than the previous one, but never fear, the next one shouldn't take as long... if it does, please shoot me. About Eomer, why yes, he is hot... tee hee, I have an Eomer action figure. Huggles action figure anywho, I spose he kinda is a little like Legolas with a beard, cept I think he is hotter. Leggie is prettier, and sexier though... Eomer is just hot. Ahem, anyway, I seem to be rambling, but while we are on the subject of hot guys, Haldir has always been hot... it is just a little hard to tell under all the pink clothing he seems to wear in this fanfiction. Shrug Glorfindel says hi too, and Will Turner has returned from his little holiday with Nellie, so you can take him hostage again. Jack will be lonely though, so you will have to take him too. Sorry about that. Grin hope the remainder of your summer break is filled his love and Legolas. Thankye muchly for your reviews. Hugs

Nightstar13: YAY! Another update! Sorry it took so long. And I never said no one liked Eomer, I myself am bordering on becoming an Eomer fangirl, just that he doesn't have any proper, drooling, insane fangirls like Legolas, Frodo and Aragorn seem to have. Lol. But would you mind terribly if I put you in this story? Eomer wants a hug. Oh yes, and Queer Eye... RULES! Happy dance very proud of you my dear, for watching it. And thankYOU for the reviews.

Marissa03: HELLOOO! Haven't heard from you in a while, but I suppose that its kinda my fault, as I have been slack with updates. About Cameos, of course you can have one. Grins Only a little one in this chapter, but will be more later on, don't worry about that. Pleased you liked the last chappie, hope you found this one readable. Grins Pippin and Eomer both say hi, and are eagerly awaiting the next chapter of your brilliant fanficcy.

Oddwen: sorry I didn't reply to your review in the last chapter, I don't really have a good excuse, so I am sorry. Anywho, am glad you like reading about people's outfits, as I rather like writing those parts. Also, thanks for reading the 'Truckinator', even though you preferred the version where our lovely elf was revealed as an ugly dwarf. I'm sure that if you emailed Mr Bean, he could send you a copy of the sequel. Sigh anywho, Thankies for reviewing.

THECheeseTurkey: I UPDATED!! YAY! Took a while though... sorry about that. If it is a Cameo you desire, then a Cameo you shall have. Waves magic wand there you go, one Cameo coming up. Thankye for reviewing, cheese to you too. Oh yes, before I forget, my friend Carmen, Ryan (Mr Bean/Leggie) and Me started a band... we're called the cheese sticks. Tee hee. That's today's useless piece of information. Hope you liked this chappie.

Banx: Because I was so horribly rude and did not reply to your review in the last chapter, I will give you Haldir for the afternoon, to do whatever you like to him, to say sorry. Hope you liked this chapter though, and be prepared to fight for Haldir a little later on. Giggle hugs and Hobbits and Haldir to you. Thanks for your reviews.

Aelimir: while you weren't actually in this chapter, you were talked about, so be prepared to strangle Sam in the next chappie, mwa haa haa. Cough As I have said to everyone, so sorry this chappie, and the last one, took so long, if I am slack again, you have my permission to shoot me. Thanks for reviewing; your reviews always make me grin.

Robyn the Jedi pirate elf: Hello! Hope you and lovely Norbert are well, and that you both got a giggle out of this chapter. Grin eating sugar is never bad, and there is no such thing as too much sugar. And Beanies... I have the coolest beanie, it is blue and purple and white and is so COOL. We don't have any racoons either, no badgers either, so if I want to go and chase something it is usually something boring like birds. Thankye oh sugar loving one, for your lovely reviews. You rock.

Nellie (Nomad6)

ALL BLACKS LOST!! WALLABIES WON!! Neh neh neh! Cough okay, am done gloating now. I don't think you will have gotten your post card somehow, as I sent it to Bishopdale Christchurch... because I didn't get your new address till I got back. I have some spare post cards though, so if you like I could write you one, and we can pretend I sent it to you from Vietnam. Lol. Haven't talked to you in ages, so hope you're feeling better, and that the fence that you crashed into is all fixed... we can't have broken fences can we? If you're back at school, hope it's being nice to you, and that it isn't too cold. If it is, I will send you a nice warm elf in the next letter, and the lovely elf can hug you and keep you warm. On the other hand, I could just send you an elf for the sake of it, so you can braid the elf's pretty hair and huggle the elf. Vietnam was lovely, but way too hot for my liking, but bought lots and lots of pairs of shoes. Tee hee, also got the COOLEST Jacket made over there. Green Velvet. Drools ahem, enough of me rambling, thankyou heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps... and you get the idea, for beta-ing. One more thing... THE ALL BLACKS SUCK! Giggle

Well, that is all, keep those reviews coming peoples, I am trying to make 200 reviews sometime soon! YAY!

Next chapter shouldn't take too long.

Hugs and hobbits to everyone

Love Lamoo


	14. Smoke and Water

**AN/** well, I think that this update is well and truly long over due. The last chapter was written last AUGUST! And it's JUNE now! How shocking! Quite bad actually, that I am so slack when it comes to updating my stories. I cannot promise when the next update after this chapter will be, as I have come to the conclusion that ever time I say 'next chapter will be up in about a week' or something along those lines, it takes me months to actually write anything. So thus I am not going to promise that there will be new chapter any time soon. There might be, but there might not be, it really depends how much homework I have or whether I am feeling well disposed towards this story or not.

Ah yes, I have also changed the title of this story to **"The fellowship and the elf next door. Insanity V2."…** Just so you know. :)

Please excuse the extreme unfunnyness of this chapter; over the past few months I seem to have lost my sense of humour. It could be under my bed, or Haldir could have stolen it, I'm not sure. I will be sure to let people know when I get it back.

**Disclaimer**: being incredibly unfunny this chapter, it is Lamoo's duty to inform her dear readers that nothing in this story belongs to her. She only borrows Tolkien's characters on Sundays and every second Tuesday of the month, and has been told quite firmly to put them back in their boxes when she's finished. Whether or not she will do this is another matter, but let it be known, readers out there in fanfiction land, that the only things that Lamoo owns are the things that Tolkien didn't want. Lamoo has also realised that she needs to stop referring to herself in third person…

Thankies go to Nellie (Nomad6) who has beta-ed this chapter. Without her everyone would have to put up with Lamoo's disgusting spelling and grammar boo boos. Big hugs go to Nellie (and to Daisy and Robbie and assorted other horses) for being wonderful (and also for beta-ing this story)

Rightio, after the excessively long Author Note, here is chapter 14.

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**Chapter 14**

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Previously in 'The fellowship and the elf next door – the Adventures continue', everyone ate food, Aragorn got no food, Eomer spat out his food and ate it again, Pippin ate some soap that was most certainly not food, and the chicken, which so happens to be food, that people were supposed to eat was discovered frolicking in Haldir's back yard. It was revealed that Lamoo has an obsession with food…

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"Do you smell smoke?" asked Sam from inside Haldir's bathroom.

Pippin, who happened to be there as well, busy licking the little dish the soap had been on, turned to Sam and agreed.

"Go and see what's burning," Sam told Pippin firmly, the plump hobbit sitting down on the edge of the bathtub.

"No, why don't you!" Pippin protested, unwilling to be sent on some errand that would mean he was parted from the delicious white chocolate flowers shaped things by the sink… known by you and me as soap.

"Because Aelimir's out there!" retorted Sam, as if this was the most obvious thing in the world and Pippin was simply an idiot. "She'll kill me!"

Pippin quirked one eyebrow somewhat sceptically. He heaved an exasperated sigh. "Fine," he said. "I'll go and find out what's burning," he grabbed the last of the little white soaps and stuffed them into the pocket of his purple pants. And so with that Pippin cautiously opened the bathroom door and peered out into the hallway, just in case there were any evil fangirls lurking nearby.

Slowly he slipped into the corridor and tip toed along to the kitchen. The smell of smoke was very strong now, not to mention the black clouds of it billowing out of the kitchen door. The smoke detector in the hall was going insane but it appeared that no one but Sam and Pippin had noticed that something was on fire.

Coughing, Pippin stuck his head through the kitchen door and let out a small yell of surprise when he saw that Haldir's stove, curtains, food processor, dishwasher, cutlery drawer and eggbeater were all on fire. (How an eggbeater and drawer full of cutlery can manage to go up in flames is a mystery, but they were burning none the less. Let it be known that Lamoo is not terribly concerned by the fact that stainless steel does not burn.)

Sprinting out of the kitchen and back down the hall to Sam, Pippin burst into the bathroom, panicking. "THE KITCHEN'S ON FIRE!" he screeched.

Sam looked dumbstruck for a moment, before dragging Pippin out of the bathroom and in turn out of the house and into the backyard.

Had the house not been on fire Pippin and Sam might have laughed at the sight of everyone present (with the exception of themselves and Aragorn) stuck under the collapsed marquee. As it was, only Pippin collapsed in a fit of giggles, forgetting momentarily that Haldir's kitchen was on fire. Sam however, did not, for though he was not the brightest of hobbits, he counted himself smarter than Pippin, thus, as the only reasonably intelligent one who was free of the tent, considered it his civic duty to inform everyone that there was a fire and that they should evacuate the premises.

"THERE'S A FIRE! THERE'S A FIRE!" Sam wailed, running around waving his arms madly. "GET OUT THERE'S A FIRE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" it didn't seem to occur to Sam that Aragorn, who though rather wet and miserable, also had noticed the flames at the kitchen window, had already stolen Legolas's mobile phone and was in the process of ringing the fire brigade. "WE'RE GOING TO DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" bellowed the Hobbit.

"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE!" Yelled Aragorn in an attempt to get the panicking hobbit to be quiet. "Unless you keep screaming and I am forced to kill you with Haldir's chicken!"

Sam shut his mouth immediately.

"Good." Remarked the wet, trench coat wearing ranger. He turned to everyone trapped under the tent. "Haldir, your party sucked!" Aragorn said in a huff, before he turned on his heel and left.

There was a disgruntled, muffled yell from under the tent, from Haldir of course, before someone, namely Glorfindel complained loudly that someone had just elbowed him in the face.

Thoroughly pissed off at everything at this point, Aragorn stormed home, not caring that it was raining, not caring that the rest of the fellowship was stuck under the collapsed tent, not caring that Haldir's house was on fire. Pippin and Sam exchanged confused glances as they watched Aragorn stalk off.

With a shrug, Sam resumed his yelling; proclaiming loudly once more that the house was on fire than they he was too young to die, while Pippin's eyes fell on the chicken that still sat in the middle of the lawn.

"…Gertrude," he murmured fondly, rushing over to the chicken and cradling it in his arms.

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Meanwhile, Aragorn stormed home in a huff, fists clenched, grinding his teeth. He threw open the front door and stomped inside. He slammed it behind him, ignoring the sound of several tacky ornaments toppling forward off the mantelpiece and smashing on the floor.

"Stupid Haldir, stupid fab five, stupid Legolas, stupid food," muttered the ranger. "Stupid rain, stupid Eomer, stupid prawns, stupid hobbits," he flopped down on the couch, arms folded crossly. "Stupid Lamoo, stupid dinner party, stupid fangirls, stupid Glorfindel," he heaved an annoyed sigh. "Stupid pants." He added, glaring down at his own pants, which, obviously, were still stuck.

Rising from his seat, Aragorn strode resolutely into the kitchen, determined once and for all to get rid of the very tight leather pants that were stuck to his legs. Remembering what Legolas had said earlier about using butter to help Aragorn slide out of the vexing trousers. Opening the fridge, the wet, trench coat wearing mortal rummaged around for the butter. He couldn't find any so got the next best thing… peanut butter. He also grabbed the salad dressing and mayonnaise just in case. Surely they would have the same effect as butter would, and would allow Aragorn to finally slip out of the bothersome trousers and back into something more comfortable.

So Aragorn proceeded to pour the entire contents of the bottle of French dressing all over his pants, once he had discovered that the jar of peanut butter was empty (because of a certain hobbit's experiment concerning a VCR), he was beginning to wonder exactly how drenching them in dressing would actually help.

Ten minutes later, after coming to the conclusion that the leather pants despised him and the entire world was against him, Aragorn had resorted to rummaging around in the kitchen drawers for a pair of scissors. The mayonnaise and the salad dressing had not helped at all, neither had vegemite, sweet chilli sauce or window cleaner, so by now the ranger was getting rather frustrated. Aragorn had decided that the only way he was ever going to be free of the evil trousers would be to cut them to pieces, so that is exactly what he tried to do.

Soon he had one leg free, snippets of black leather littering the kitchen floor, and for the first time in hours Aragorn could feel the circulation returning to his leg. A couple more snips (and swear words when Aragorn nearly cut off his left kneecap) later the ranger was free. The accursed pants were on the kitchen floor, having been beaten by the trusty scissors. Aragorn cried aloud in joy and decided that he owed the scissors his life.

The ranger, dancing around with joy, tossed, with great satisfaction, the ruined leather pants into the bin, not caring in the least that he was dancing around in his underpants and a trench coat.

Everyone else did care though; for he received some odd looks when the rest of the fellowship returned home about an hour later and Aragorn was still pants-less.

Legolas raised one eyebrow sceptically, but chose not to say anything. He was tired and wet, and a tired and wet elf is not something that tends to enjoy conversation about evil trousers, so Legolas strode off to bed without a word. Merry and Pippin both watched the elf go, a little confused it seemed. Why hadn't Legolas blown up as soon as he'd entered the house? That was what everyone had expected him to do. Of course it was a rather nice change that he didn't, but even so, it was quite bizarre.

It wasn't long before the rest of the fellowship filtered off to bed, deciding to save their anger and annoyance at each other and at Haldir until the morning. Soon everyone else had gone to bed except for Pippin and Sam, who were gazing out the window, watching firemen put out the fire that was blazing in Haldir's house.

"That was a very odd dinner party," remarked Pippin, hugging Gertrude the chicken (formerly Haldir's chicken) close. "Certainly the weirdest one I've ever been to."

"You've never been to any other dinner parties!" Sam remarked dryly.

"Have you!"

"Well, no." admitted the tubby hobbit awkwardly. "But neither have you."

"Oh." Was the only reply Pippin could come up with. "When are we going on Holiday?" he wondered, changing the subject quite abruptly.

Sam shrugged. "How am I supposed to know?"

Pippin heaved an exasperated sigh. "Because I don't know, therefore I assumed you would." He said, taking his turn to state the obvious. Of course what was obvious to Pippin wasn't always obvious to anyone else. "Duh."

Sam resisted the urge to hit Pippin with the chicken the younger hobbit was clutching. "Well sor-ry." He snapped. "Ask mister Legolas."

"I think I will." Pippin replied. "In the morning."

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**TBC**

**AN/** hmm, oookay, that was so unfunny. Painfully so. Ah well.

Sorry this chapter took so long and was so short, hopefully I'll make up for it in the next chapter.

Apologies to reviewers, who were promised a cameo, but I am finding it quite hard to find places to put everyone. Don't fear though, if I promised you a cameo, you shall get it… but as much as I love you guys, I want this story to actually be about the fellowship, and their doings, so it might not be as soon as you think.

Here are **responses to reviews** (That are LONG overdue). They are only relatively short as I figured that you guys would prefer a new chapter sooner rather than later. Right. Here they are:

**Inweofnargothrond:** Hello again. Long time, no see (or update). Sorry I've kept you waiting, but I'm glad you're still reading. Very pleased you like the last chapter and the soap-chocolates. Yay for Pippin. Isn't he a darling? Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

**Mad-Anviel:** I am flattered that you put my TF&TEND stories on your favourites list. . I'm glad that you're glad that the Legsie bashing as stopped. Bashing him up is amusing sometimes, but he really is too pretty and lovely to bash up all the time. :P. Hooray for Hyperactive Leggie. Ah yes, about your cameo. You are most welcome to do some Mr Bean bashing. Bwaha. I'll join in. …There's a bit of a long story behind that, but basically, me and him were going out, and now we aren't anymore, and I'm not exactly my favourite person anymore so I doubt he'll read this story and see what nasty things I'm going to do to him. I think Gimli would be very pleased that he has a fangirl. I do however solemnly swear that I will never ever write about the orange Speedos again. Ew…just ew. I'm glad I've kept you entertained.  Thanks for your reviews.

**"Me":** Glad you like my story so far. Thankyou for the compliment. Hope you liked this chapter. Thanks for your review!

**Aelimir:** hullo again. You don't know how pleased I am to hear that you liked your cameo. I know it wasn't that much, but there will be more. Not necessarily at Haldir's party, but there's plenty more stuff to come. Hope this chapter met with your divine approval.

**Banx:** ah, my loyal Haldir fancier. School computers do have their good uses eh? Glad you liked the last chapter. I'm afraid that I have let you all down lately by not updating at all really, but I'M BACK!

**Yoshi11Aragorn:** Hello my darling reader. You have sent me so many reviews and I love them so much! Hugs your story is great so far, can't wait to read more. Concerning your cameo, you're most welcome. Thankyou for reviewing! You light up my day:)

**Missa04**: It seems that both of us are as bad as each other when it comes to updating stories regularly. :P School does have the habit of eating up your life doesn't it? Oh, and you're welcome.:) Hope you liked this chapter.

**THECheeseTurkey**: Funny? I am so glad you think so. :D Glad you liked the bat cave part… a little bit disturbing in my opinion, but I'm pleased you found it at least mildly amusing. Your Cameo will appear a little later, but never fear, it will be there. Hope you liked this chapter and that it wasn't painfully unfunny.

**Nomad6**: hello my lovely hobbit/elf/friend. Happy birthday for the other day. It has been AGES since I've updated, but I'm glad you're still reading and willing to correct all my spelling stuff ups. Hope a NZ winter isn't too cold and that the elves and the horsies are being nice to you. Give Robbie and Daisy a big hug for me. Miss you heaps.

**Mr Bean**: Okay… this will be a little strange. I don't even know if you'll ever read this story again. The last time I replied to a review of yours, the reply was pretty smushy and silly and well, just weird. I know the only reason you used to read this fanfiction was because I wrote it, but even so, thankyou for your kind words about it over the last year. If you ever do read this chapter, I hope you approve of it.

**Chou-fleur**: Of course you get to be the Eomer-hugging fangirl, IN THIS STORY. Glad that you're pleased about that. :D I agree with you about the whole queer eye thing for Eomer. He needs it, so maybe I'll get around to it one day. Thankyou for your review, you made me smile. :D

**Paladin Dragoon:** glad you liked the last chapter. It's always wonderful to know that occasionally some of the things I write actually do make people giggle a bit. And for the record books, Legolas and Aragorn are at odds on who's cuter. Personally I prefer the elf though. Sorry this chapter took so long.

**Legolas Stalker/Laura**: hello my dear Legolas lover. Sorry it has been so long since I last updated, but never fear, I am still alive. I love Pippin, he is such a sweet little goofball. I agree with you, Eomer is hot. I still prefer Legolas though, he is pretty :D. Hope you liked this chapter!

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One more thing before I let you all get back to your lives. If you have requested a cameo in this fic, and I have said that you get to do something specific (or even if I haven't), please be a darling and remind me. It has been ages since I have even thought about this fanfiction and have forgotten nearly everything. Also, the fellowship are going on holidays soon, so if you want to have something to do with that, please let me know.

I don't know how many more chapters there will be until the end of this fic, but probably not zillions, so yeah, I'm just warning you. It will NOT be the end of TF&TEND though, most certainly not

Reviews would be lovely, as always.

3 Lamoo.


	15. Too much talking

AN/ wow, it's been more than a year since the last update. How sad is that?  
Anywho, this is a new chapter that I found lurking on my computer hard drive which I realized that I have not put up yet. It was written aaaaaages ago, but I figured that I may as well put it up. :)

Disclaimer: not mine. Very original eh?

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Chapter 15

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Previously in 'The fellowship and the elf next door: the adventures continue', Sam screamed, Haldir's kitchen burned, Pippin fell in love with a chicken and Aragorn cut his pants to smithereens, finally free from the eternal torment of being stuck in his horrible leather prison.

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The next day dawned earlier than Legolas would have liked. As did the next day and the day after that. Legolas would have been more than happy to sleep all week, but unfortunately the week continued as normal.

By now though, the week had come and gone. It had been seven whole days since Haldir's now infamous dinner party and the last seven days had gone so slowly that it felt like a year.

It was Saturday today, and with a sigh, Legolas decided that he should get up, even if only to check that none of the hobbits had burnt down THEIR kitchen, making pancakes, as they often did on Saturday mornings. One kitchen in the neighbourhood had already ended up completely roasted, and Legolas had no wish to sit back and add another to that number.

Throwing back the covers, the elf wearily clamboured out of bed. He had been so tired lately. _I need a holiday, _he thought to himself as he shuffled out of his room and down the hall to the kitchen. _A long holiday. Away from all these morons. _The morons of course, were the other members of the fellowship. Legolas had often wondered what he had done to deserve being stuck with such a bunch of idiots, and came to the conclusion that the gods, the Valar, or whoever controlled destiny, must have something against him.

Things had been reasonably quiet though, since Haldir's dinner party. Nobody had tried to kill anyone and nothing had been destroyed (or eaten) by the hobbits, who had a tendency to make everything they touched fall apart. Nothing important was wrecked anyway; Gandalf's cocktail dress didn't really count as something important in Legolas's opinion. The dress had met its end when Merry had tried to do the considerate thing and wash it. It had just dissolved in the water and no one knew exactly why, but to be honest, Legolas had been quite glad to see the end of it. Pippin had also lost his silly putty and at first had been quite distraught, but had soon after been distracted by Gertrude, his new pet chicken. Gertrude had once been known as Haldir's chicken, or the dinner party main course. Pippin had claimed the bird though, after Haldir had set it free. The raw, headless, plucked chicken was starting to smell a little off by now. This did not deter Pippin though, who had previously been in love with a month old rotting parsnip, which had smelt far worse than a week old raw chicken.

"Good morning mister Legolas," Sam chortled as the elf staggered out into the kitchen, still half asleep.

Legolas was tempted to ask what was so good about it, but didn't get a chance, for it was at that moment that they all heard the front door slam. Aragorn burst into the kitchen with an armful of papers, waving an envelope around in an insanely exited sort of way.

"Did you get them?" Merry asked the ranger, rushing into the kitchen, with Frodo and Pippin in tow.

Aragorn nodded and waved the envelope a little harder. Legolas raised one eyebrow, acutely aware that he had missed something. The elf didn't like being left out of things, and wanted to know what was going on and what Aragorn had got that he was so excited about. "Got what?" enquired Legolas as he pulled up a kitchen chair and sat on it.

"Our tickets!" announced Aragorn with an ecstatic grin, slamming the envelope down on the table in front of Legolas.

"Tickets?" asked the elf quizzically, taking the envelope. "For what?"

Aragorn looked at Legolas in a way that clearly showed he thought he was dealing with an idiot. "…Plane tickets," replied Aragorn, speaking veeeerrrryyy slowly. "You know, for that holiday we're planning on taking next week?"

Legolas looked at the ranger, slightly baffled, and tore open the envelope. The elf began to wonder if he'd been drunk at all over the past week, because he had absolutely no recollection on Aragorn organising their holiday. He had thought that he would be the one who would make several million trips to the travel agent to organise everything, but it seemed that this time, Aragorn had actually made himself useful.

"Next week?" enquired Legolas. One week was hardly enough time to properly organise a holiday, particularly one they'd won. Generally they would have had to wait more than two days for all the paperwork and details etc. It really was quite a pleasant surprise to find that things could be done quickly after all. "Where are we going?" Legolas looked down at envelope and pulled out plane tickets.

"Read the ticket." Aragorn replied, in a tone of voice that clearly showed that he thought Legolas was stupid.

Legolas resisted the urge to turn around and glare at the smart arsed ranger. Instead, he simply glanced down at the tickets. "Minas Tirith, Gondor, to Denpassar Bali." The elf read out. "Bali?" he looked up at Aragorn.

The ranger shrugged. "Sure, why not."

Merry and Pippin, who had been silent while Legolas had read the tickets, piped up and added their input to the conversation. "It's sunny and tropical," Merry pointed out.

"With beaches and palm trees," added Pippin, as if Palm trees were the thing that distinguished a good holiday from a great one.

"I thought we were going to go skiing," mused Legolas.

"We were," Aragorn answered, before he turned around and glared at a certain hobbit who went by the name of Peregrine Took. "But last time we went skiing, he," the ranger pointed at Pippin, "put snow down my pants." Aragorn turned back to Legolas. "I figured it would be better if we went someone warm, where he couldn't get snow…"

Legolas chose not to mention the fact that Pippin would probably substitute snow for sand, and Aragorn would find himself with a couple of handfuls of sand down his pants instead. The elf merely nodded in reply, deciding to keep his thoughts to himself. The idea of a vacation somewhere tropical sounded quite pleasant. Legolas just hoped that everything was well enough organised. He'd had no part in it, and it was just like Aragorn to forget something important. Something important like booking accommodation. Legolas voiced his concern. "Where are we staying?"

Aragorn, revealing that he had indeed remembered to book accommodation, handed Legolas a travel brochure. A page was marked and when Legolas opened the brochure, he saw that a luxury, five star resort that went by the name of 'the Imladaris'. It was right on the beach, and had two swimming pools, air conditioned rooms, a gym, a sauna, a health spa, four restaurants, three bars, babysitting services (to keep the hobbits out of the way) and most importantly, MINI BARS in the rooms.

A smile curved on the elf's lips. "I like this look of this," he remarked, suddenly feeling in a very good mood. He turned to the ranger, who, for a change, he was really quite impressed with. "When did you go to the travel agent?" he asked Aragorn.

"Monday," came the reply. "And several times since then to organise everything." Legolas opened his mouth to ask why he hadn't been aware of this, but the ranger cut him off. "You were either at work, or asleep," he remarked. "THAT'S why you had no part in this,"

Legolas sighed and shrugged, accepting that this was the best answer he was going to get.

Aragorn continued. "I still have to make one more trip to the travel agent tomorrow though to check that everything is in order."

Legolas was very impressed. It was most unlike the king of Gondor, who wore pyjamas at his own wedding, to get his act together and organise anything! Let alone organise it well. Legolas still had the gut feeling that Aragorn would have forgotten something important, but from what the elf could see, perhaps it wasn't the case. Perhaps Aragorn had surprised them all and done something properly for a change.

Frodo spoke up, taking advantage of the good mood that Legolas seemed to be in at that current moment. "Legolas?" he chimed in, "we need to go shopping."

The elf arched an eyebrow, thinking to himself that it was only a few days ago that he'd gone shopping last. A shopping trip that had ended with him spending a couple of hundred dollars on a stupid matrix coat for Aragorn and a pair of leather pants that were too small and that they hadn't been able to get off. Shopping trips with the rest of the fellowship tended to be disastrous and Legolas wasn't too keen on being the one who would be held responsible for hobbits going the wrong way up escalators and Gandalf getting tangled in a display of mannequins, which would be what would probably happen if they went shopping again. Legolas's good mood was very quickly becoming not so good.

It was Merry who saw the hesitant look on Legolas's face and decided to try and persuade the elf. "I need a new suitcase and Pip needs a new swimming costume," he stated, "we can't go on holidays without them,"

Legolas heaved a sigh. He had to admit that perhaps Merry was right. What was it with people today? Usually the rest of the fellowship were regarded as complete morons, but today, there had been more than one intelligent remark in the space of ten minutes. That was certainly more than usual. Normally, Legolas was lucky if he managed to squeeze one intelligent comment out of someone a day. To have both Aragorn and Merry reveal that perhaps they did occasionally do some thinking not only in the same day, but also with barely a few minutes between them, astounded the elf.

Legolas exchanged glances with Aragorn, who though not usually that bright, was regarded as the second most intelligent and/or sane member of the fellowship next to Legolas. "I'm not sure…" murmured the elf.

"The hobbit is right," Aragorn said with a shrug.

Before Legolas could reply to Merry's comment, Gandalf spoke up. "We're going shopping!" he announced gleefully, already thinking of a little spotted bikini that he'd seen at the mall that would be perfect to take on vacation.

Legolas heaved a sigh. "It looks like I get no say in the matter," he commented. "Fine, you can all go shopping and buy whatever you need." He frowned around at the rest of the fellowship and waved his finger threateningly. "But be warned, you are not using my credit card,"

There was a pause before the hobbits and Gandalf reluctantly agreed. They then scurried off to get their coats. Legolas turned to Aragorn. "Where's Gimli?" he asked, suddenly realising that the hairy dwarf was not present. In fact, Legolas hadn't seen Gimli at all since Haldir's dinner party.

Aragorn shrugged. "How am I supposed to know?" he asked. "I don't keep the dwarf on a leash or anything,"

Legolas resisted the urge to say that perhaps they should, but managed to hold his tongue. "Oh well," said the elf cheerfully. "He'll turn up I suppose."

Aragorn nodded in agreement. "He's bound to," he said. "Gimli's probably gone to the gym or something," Aragorn smirked at the look on Legolas's face, which was somewhere between absolute disgust, surprise and amusement. The ranger continued, "as soon as I booked the trip Gimli mentioned that he needed to get in shape if he was planning on hanging around the beach all day,"

Legolas snorted. "Gimli? Get in shape?" he laughed. "The only shape he is capable of being is round."

"I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," commented the King of Gondor grimly.

The elf arched an eyebrow. "Why not?" he wanted to know.

"Because I for one, seriously hope that Gimli manages to lose a few kilos." Came the reply. "You do know that he only owns one swimming costume don't you?"

Legolas paled and muttered a profanity under his breath. "Not the orange Speedos…" He suddenly felt rather ill.

Aragorn nodded grimly. "Exactly." He stated. "Gimli in his swimming trunks is still repulsive, but hopefully if he gets in shape a bit, he wont make anyone violently ill." The ranger heaved a sigh. "I don't know how he plans to make any difference in only a week though."

The good mood that Legolas had been in that morning was well and truly gone now. The mere thought of how repulsive Gimli in swimming trunks had been last time Legolas had seen it was enough to make anyone, even if they had a very strong stomach, sick. The elf desperately hoped that Gimli would accidentally get on the wrong plane at the airport, or better yet, just decide not to come on the holiday at all. Legolas knew however, that this would probably not be the case. Perhaps the answer was simply to buy Gimli a new swimming costume. Board shorts, nice long board shorts that covered everything. And then, Legolas would burn the orange Speedos.

The elf chuckled to himself, imagining the feeling of satisfaction when the disgusting Speedos went up in flames.

And so, with thought of Speedo destroying, Legolas went on his way. There were things to do before their vacation, not the least of which was trying to get the suitcases out of Gandalf's bedroom. What they were doing there, no body knew. They did know however, that it could take a little while to navigate through the mess to find them.

_Or maybe it would be safer to just buy new ones_… The elf mused.

TBC

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AN/

Thanks for reviews everyone. And just out of curiosity, have more than half of my readers disappeared? Probably gave up hope that I'd update again... and rightly so I'm afraid. Anyhow, hope that those of you lurking around will REVIEW.

Ah yes, and those of you who I have promised cameos, who either haven't been reading or haven't reminded me when and where, wont be getting one. Sorry. And yes, I do realise the silliness of that statement. I do realise that if you haven't been reading, how on earth are you supposed to read the above remark. Leave me alone… my brain is mush. :P

And my sincerest apologies for the un-funniness of that chapter, and for the mention of Gimli's Speedos. Won't happen again. :P


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